08-20-2019, 02:06 PM
Alright I lied because I had an epiphany today. I've been getting angry at LTU for causing me anxiety which is dumb. It keeps pushing me to improve my life and I've been responding by treating it like some annoyance that I have to ignore. This undesirable thing that is ruining my life when really it's what's trying to improve it.
I saw clearly today that you're either facing your fears or you're not. And if you're not, you're not moving forward. All my rationalizations and mental gymnastics to avoid facing these fears and looking for an easier way, it was just stalling. The focus should be on the goals and on my way to those goals if I have those fears I have to push past them. I kept trying to get to a certain point without doing the necessary inner change to get there. I kept derailing LTU because anytime things got turbulent I'd revert to my usual habit of trying to relax and detach from the thing I fear. I realized I wasn't practicing relaxation, the relaxing effect was a consequence of no longer pushing mentally towards my goals outlined in LTU.
I now have a singular focus of moving forward, regardless of whatever headaches, anxiety, nausea, fatigue, etc. come about. And all the negative thoughts and feelings of failure were just ways to keep me in my comfort zone. I won't entertain these thoughts anymore.
I think what LTU is bringing about now is some of the hardest change I've ever tried to make in my life. But I'm certain a few years ago I couldn't even bring myself to face this challenge. So at the very least just being on the path to fighting these fears and moving past them is a huge step for me.
I saw clearly today that you're either facing your fears or you're not. And if you're not, you're not moving forward. All my rationalizations and mental gymnastics to avoid facing these fears and looking for an easier way, it was just stalling. The focus should be on the goals and on my way to those goals if I have those fears I have to push past them. I kept trying to get to a certain point without doing the necessary inner change to get there. I kept derailing LTU because anytime things got turbulent I'd revert to my usual habit of trying to relax and detach from the thing I fear. I realized I wasn't practicing relaxation, the relaxing effect was a consequence of no longer pushing mentally towards my goals outlined in LTU.
I now have a singular focus of moving forward, regardless of whatever headaches, anxiety, nausea, fatigue, etc. come about. And all the negative thoughts and feelings of failure were just ways to keep me in my comfort zone. I won't entertain these thoughts anymore.
I think what LTU is bringing about now is some of the hardest change I've ever tried to make in my life. But I'm certain a few years ago I couldn't even bring myself to face this challenge. So at the very least just being on the path to fighting these fears and moving past them is a huge step for me.
INFP
