08-10-2019, 10:26 AM
Thanks Shannon. I agree. I've always know deep inside myself what I need to heal, what holds me back. I know those are the things that cause my unhappiness, not a lack of money. But I won't limit myself from money either in the future.
So I was really down today. I wanted to work on music but I was feeling that overwhelmed stressed out feeling. I decided to go into my room and lay down instead. I fell asleep and felt like I was in emotional pain. Then I decided to focus on love and compassion for myself. I told myself nothing else mattered in this moment except generating that love for myself. It's always been the question of "why do I deserve love?" But this time I told myself and basically forced myself that I deserved it, regardless of anything. Initially the fearful part of me recoiled and tried to run from it, but I stayed committed. It's not always easy just loving yourself. A part of me threw up a lot of resistance to it, but the important part is not buying into those lies and to keep moving forward.
I told myself I was deserving of happiness no matter how I felt, great relationships, a joyful life, a life doing what I want to do. I told myself no more struggling, I've struggled enough in life. It's time things got easier for me, fun, enjoyable. I told myself everything is a little bit scary at first, but eventually we conquer that fear and it's not such a big deal. It's all possible as long as we take steps towards it. I realized every time I made music and felt like it wasn't good enough I reflected on my life and how I was never going to go anywhere with the music, how I'd be a loser chasing a dream who couldn't even take care of himself properly with a stable job, that I was a screw up. But it's not failure, I just started later and I've had a lot to deal with. As long as I keep chipping away at it I'll get there.
There's been a lot of emotional pain I haven't been able to get to because I wouldn't accept the healing in the first place. But my own well being comes first, then the music. If that means I have to take it easy some days I shouldn't beat myself up for not grinding it out and pushing past it all. My best stuff comes when I'm in a good place, not scrambling and trying desperately.
I don't know if I've been resisting everything these past few months or something has been chipped away at and it's coming to the surface. But I'm going to be working harder to give myself unconditional happiness. I don't need a reason, I don't need to justify why I deserve good things in my life no matter how much a part of me thinks it does. This is a big step up for me however. I've lived for a long time of depriving myself of these things. I'm easing into it. You'd think flooding yourself with love and happiness as much as possible at once would be a good thing, but I've learned even the good things my subconscious is afraid of. So we're taking it easy, allowing every day to be better than the last but without diving head first into it all.
So I was really down today. I wanted to work on music but I was feeling that overwhelmed stressed out feeling. I decided to go into my room and lay down instead. I fell asleep and felt like I was in emotional pain. Then I decided to focus on love and compassion for myself. I told myself nothing else mattered in this moment except generating that love for myself. It's always been the question of "why do I deserve love?" But this time I told myself and basically forced myself that I deserved it, regardless of anything. Initially the fearful part of me recoiled and tried to run from it, but I stayed committed. It's not always easy just loving yourself. A part of me threw up a lot of resistance to it, but the important part is not buying into those lies and to keep moving forward.
I told myself I was deserving of happiness no matter how I felt, great relationships, a joyful life, a life doing what I want to do. I told myself no more struggling, I've struggled enough in life. It's time things got easier for me, fun, enjoyable. I told myself everything is a little bit scary at first, but eventually we conquer that fear and it's not such a big deal. It's all possible as long as we take steps towards it. I realized every time I made music and felt like it wasn't good enough I reflected on my life and how I was never going to go anywhere with the music, how I'd be a loser chasing a dream who couldn't even take care of himself properly with a stable job, that I was a screw up. But it's not failure, I just started later and I've had a lot to deal with. As long as I keep chipping away at it I'll get there.
There's been a lot of emotional pain I haven't been able to get to because I wouldn't accept the healing in the first place. But my own well being comes first, then the music. If that means I have to take it easy some days I shouldn't beat myself up for not grinding it out and pushing past it all. My best stuff comes when I'm in a good place, not scrambling and trying desperately.
I don't know if I've been resisting everything these past few months or something has been chipped away at and it's coming to the surface. But I'm going to be working harder to give myself unconditional happiness. I don't need a reason, I don't need to justify why I deserve good things in my life no matter how much a part of me thinks it does. This is a big step up for me however. I've lived for a long time of depriving myself of these things. I'm easing into it. You'd think flooding yourself with love and happiness as much as possible at once would be a good thing, but I've learned even the good things my subconscious is afraid of. So we're taking it easy, allowing every day to be better than the last but without diving head first into it all.
INFP
