07-13-2019, 10:59 PM
I'm thinking about just looping LTU all night when I sleep. Going to keep the two day rest, but I can't do these baby steps anymore. I need to drive this stuff home, I need to break out of this prison I've created for myself. It hit me today, my room being a mess, and thinking to myself why can't I stay on top of this? Because I don't have energy. Why don't I have energy? Because I keep giving it away to something I don't care about. I'm at a very turbulent point where my desire for growth and moving on and doing things drastically different is held back by fear. So it feels like I'm being held captive while being subjected to a life I don't want.
I keep waiting and waiting. Waiting until I'm ready after using LTU enough to make these big changes and break away. I can't wait anymore. Maybe I haven't been focusing on removing the fear enough or I've been running from it. It feels like every time I face my fears a part of me seems to think they aren't as big of a deal as I make it out to be. Not in a good way either. What I mean is I'll feel my fear being worked on and then another part is like "ok that should do it and stop focusing on fear, you're just creating more of it". But the reality is the fear is still there, I just haven't cleared out all of it. I thought it was all about mentality you know and thinking positive and visualizing. It's definitely part of it, but I was trying to bypass fear or push my life forward in a way where I ignored the underlying fear thinking it's just a concept or something.
I pushed on and keep pushing on, but it got to a point where I realized ok this fear needs to go. Because as logical and rational I WANT to be, I've learned it doesn't work like that. I don't just get to say "no more fear because xyz". It doesn't work, it's never worked. And it's not a belief, I'm convinced this is a fundamental truth about my personal subconscious. This is my framework and I have to operate within the rules of it otherwise I'm shooting myself in the foot. That being said I've experienced the core fears being worked at, but it's beyond language or reasoning. It's just raw emotional feedback that I have to sit with and move past.
I honestly feel so much doubt about all this, all the time. It's like I am getting better, but I'm continually feeling like this is a never ending pit of fear that I keep digging and digging into. The doubt comes in as wondering "am I doing this right or in the most efficient way possible? Or do I just keep making the same mistakes over and over again and running on this hamster wheel of fear. I can't tell".
Part of it is how deep my issues go. How much I have improved. As I grow more I attain more awareness of how much I struggle with some things. It's like the obstacle was invisible before, but now it's made visible. But they keep coming. And the more I face, the more I realize how important these subliminals are for me. To the point where it genuinely upsets me that had I not found them nobody else would be willing or able to create a product that tackles the more complex issues facing the human psyche of some individuals. Terrible tropes and advice saying "more exposure", "just get over it", "just think positive", "fake it till you make it". "say these affirmations". What happens when it all doesn't work? People get blamed. Instead of failing to realize solutions aren't always as simple as people want them to be. So you have the outliers, the troubled ones who fall through the cracks because of terrible misguidance.
That's me. That's been my entire life. Facing these complex and confusing issues about myself as a human being and person. Like I said doubt. Thinking to myself, maybe I'm overthinking this? Maybe I'm over exaggerating? Feeling like a failure when I couldn't just "get over it". Trying to ignore it in hopes it just magically goes away on it's own. It can drive me insane at times. Feeling this fundamentally wrong feeling and not knowing what it is. Not something as simple as a career choice, oh no not at all. it always went much deeper. I had an almost painful awareness of this feeling and didn't know how to alleviate it. Iit's amazing how very well adjusted people are damn near blind to some of the hardships some people can face in their own heads. When everything lines up properly in your life, why would you think of stuff like that?
I just had to get that out. LTU is working on me, that I'm sure of. But I feel like I'm in a never ending dark corridor and I keep heading towards some exit or freedom that may or may not be there. I can't see the light, I don't feel any guarantee that I'm going to move past all this stuff, and it honestly scares me. And I'm in this alone because nobody in my life understands this. They are all very focused on the material world, failing to realize that the real change is in your own mind and it's projected outwards towards that. So advice/support is tailored on that front which doesn't help because I established long ago that it's something within, not the outside that needs to change.
I keep waiting and waiting. Waiting until I'm ready after using LTU enough to make these big changes and break away. I can't wait anymore. Maybe I haven't been focusing on removing the fear enough or I've been running from it. It feels like every time I face my fears a part of me seems to think they aren't as big of a deal as I make it out to be. Not in a good way either. What I mean is I'll feel my fear being worked on and then another part is like "ok that should do it and stop focusing on fear, you're just creating more of it". But the reality is the fear is still there, I just haven't cleared out all of it. I thought it was all about mentality you know and thinking positive and visualizing. It's definitely part of it, but I was trying to bypass fear or push my life forward in a way where I ignored the underlying fear thinking it's just a concept or something.
I pushed on and keep pushing on, but it got to a point where I realized ok this fear needs to go. Because as logical and rational I WANT to be, I've learned it doesn't work like that. I don't just get to say "no more fear because xyz". It doesn't work, it's never worked. And it's not a belief, I'm convinced this is a fundamental truth about my personal subconscious. This is my framework and I have to operate within the rules of it otherwise I'm shooting myself in the foot. That being said I've experienced the core fears being worked at, but it's beyond language or reasoning. It's just raw emotional feedback that I have to sit with and move past.
I honestly feel so much doubt about all this, all the time. It's like I am getting better, but I'm continually feeling like this is a never ending pit of fear that I keep digging and digging into. The doubt comes in as wondering "am I doing this right or in the most efficient way possible? Or do I just keep making the same mistakes over and over again and running on this hamster wheel of fear. I can't tell".
Part of it is how deep my issues go. How much I have improved. As I grow more I attain more awareness of how much I struggle with some things. It's like the obstacle was invisible before, but now it's made visible. But they keep coming. And the more I face, the more I realize how important these subliminals are for me. To the point where it genuinely upsets me that had I not found them nobody else would be willing or able to create a product that tackles the more complex issues facing the human psyche of some individuals. Terrible tropes and advice saying "more exposure", "just get over it", "just think positive", "fake it till you make it". "say these affirmations". What happens when it all doesn't work? People get blamed. Instead of failing to realize solutions aren't always as simple as people want them to be. So you have the outliers, the troubled ones who fall through the cracks because of terrible misguidance.
That's me. That's been my entire life. Facing these complex and confusing issues about myself as a human being and person. Like I said doubt. Thinking to myself, maybe I'm overthinking this? Maybe I'm over exaggerating? Feeling like a failure when I couldn't just "get over it". Trying to ignore it in hopes it just magically goes away on it's own. It can drive me insane at times. Feeling this fundamentally wrong feeling and not knowing what it is. Not something as simple as a career choice, oh no not at all. it always went much deeper. I had an almost painful awareness of this feeling and didn't know how to alleviate it. Iit's amazing how very well adjusted people are damn near blind to some of the hardships some people can face in their own heads. When everything lines up properly in your life, why would you think of stuff like that?
I just had to get that out. LTU is working on me, that I'm sure of. But I feel like I'm in a never ending dark corridor and I keep heading towards some exit or freedom that may or may not be there. I can't see the light, I don't feel any guarantee that I'm going to move past all this stuff, and it honestly scares me. And I'm in this alone because nobody in my life understands this. They are all very focused on the material world, failing to realize that the real change is in your own mind and it's projected outwards towards that. So advice/support is tailored on that front which doesn't help because I established long ago that it's something within, not the outside that needs to change.
INFP
