06-10-2019, 03:25 PM
(06-09-2019, 06:32 PM)DavisMind91 Wrote:(06-09-2019, 10:44 AM)mat422 Wrote: Was having a rough day today. This business trip coming up reminded me I'm constantly being subjected to stuff in my life I'm tried of. So I popped on LTU. Something about being conscious while listening must have made me more aware of how I respond to negative thoughts and anger. I've realized I try to stop them, but really I just bury them and they still play in the background. I realized I have to let these things flow because they are me, but control how I react to them and how they influence me. Not controlling the emotion, that's a futile thing. That's been my mistake for years, thinking I have to feel a certain way or avoid certain feelings.
So I'm feeling intense anger. I'm trying to think positive but at the same time another part of me is shouting that it doesn't care. The money doesn't matter, the job doesn't matter, all that matters is time and experience and I'm losing those going down this route. It's pissed at society, the conditioning causing people to engage in the rat race of life, and people taking advantage of me. That last one. I consider myself a responsible person. Meaning I keep my anger under control and don't explode on people. But i know one of these days someones gonna push me the wrong way and I'm going to let them have it. And you know what? I'm done feeling guilty about it. Moving forward if people want to disrespect me I don't care about being a "good" person. I'm done. For the time being all this anger is leaking to the surface. I sure as hell won't push it back down, I'm going to process it and I imagine it will be a little shaky at first given the fact I've gone close to 10 years not addressing this.
Good for you. Your post falls in line with what I’ve been reading on a concept in psychology known as shadow self integration, or something like that, where one seeks to learn to work with their negative emotions and identity instead of suppressing their “darker” half, so they can ultimately become a “whole” person as opposed to a perfect one.
Yup, that's definitely what I've been going through. I read about shadow self theory a while back, but all the theory in the world doesn't compare to actual application of it. Despite how much I read there was still always an aversion to accepting that part, the complete opposite of what I should have been doing with the shadow work. The irony is those that need to become whole the most rarely do because they are so fragmented. I found while studying the shadow stuff I got obsessed with doing it "right" which defeats the purpose of accepting those parts of yourself that are often shamed or suppressed. Definitely tricky.
Pondering for the day. Can something as simple as a haircut be linked to the past and cause you to act out in past behavior? Weird but today I chopped off most of my hair, it was getting long and I was considering doing something with it. But two things stopped me. One, my hair is thinning pretty bad and the longer hair made it look worse. And two it felt like I was trying to hold onto some past version of myself by holding onto this longer hair. As ridiculous as it sounds. It kind of feels like shedding. I was in this mental state for a while of the older me, the kind of lost anxious, childish version. I think if I'm honest it's been hard facing the reality that I'm 28 now. I know that's not super old to a lot of people, but when I consider how much of my youth slipped through my fingers it's kind of like grieving.
I have no idea if it's possible if past AM programming is still in my head and now the blocks are being removed and I'm executing those instructions. Or maybe DMSI. But it feels like there's a push to be more masculine. Although I shouldn't say a push, more like an innate desire. And that desire kept being stalled because a part of me wanted to go back to being a kid or teenager. To escape responsibility and run from these things I fear.
Or it could be all BS and I'm just imagining it. But my mindset has shifted from "the subliminal is pushing me towards this" to "a part of me that wants this is pushing for this and another part is resisting". That distinction is important because it means it's my choice, I'm not being forced into this stuff. I'm not killing myself, who I am, not changing for the sake of guilt or shame around who I am. As ridiculous as it sounds, but I think that's been my perception of change with these subliminals for a while now. I'm somehow being inauthentic or denying my true self. The fallacy of the "true self". Maybe I'm even afraid of losing my identity or concept of who I am, who I've been in the past, who's loved me as that person.
INFP
