05-28-2019, 04:53 PM
Just tried to work on some music. It didn't go too well. First everything just sounded wrong so I redid it. But it still sounded wrong. At this point I'm starting to lose my temper and get really angry at the part of me that is intentionally sabotaging my ability to finish music. I get angrier and push through it, but the music becomes even worse. Finally I take a break.
Here I am. I have to do some deeper searching within myself as to why I'm so allergic to success. Seriously. My attitude has always been "we'll do it and see what happens". Meanwhile in the back of my head it's just thoughts of failure or doing a crappy job. So on the surface it seems like I'm all nonchalant and unattached to an outcome, but I've already decided I'm going to fail to avoid success. So while my actions look like I'm moving towards something, in the background I'm figuring out ways to sabotage myself. I literally set myself up for failure and then get upset when it happens. It's just about the most idiotic and insane thing about myself.
I've been trying to force this piece of me onboard, but it refuses to budge. And just brute forcing it and getting angrier and demanding doesn't work. It just burns me out all around and gets me nowhere. It feels like I'm at a stalemate right now until LTU delivers more of a push that helps me get this part onboard. Until then it's causing chaos in my life.
Here I am. I have to do some deeper searching within myself as to why I'm so allergic to success. Seriously. My attitude has always been "we'll do it and see what happens". Meanwhile in the back of my head it's just thoughts of failure or doing a crappy job. So on the surface it seems like I'm all nonchalant and unattached to an outcome, but I've already decided I'm going to fail to avoid success. So while my actions look like I'm moving towards something, in the background I'm figuring out ways to sabotage myself. I literally set myself up for failure and then get upset when it happens. It's just about the most idiotic and insane thing about myself.
I've been trying to force this piece of me onboard, but it refuses to budge. And just brute forcing it and getting angrier and demanding doesn't work. It just burns me out all around and gets me nowhere. It feels like I'm at a stalemate right now until LTU delivers more of a push that helps me get this part onboard. Until then it's causing chaos in my life.
INFP
