05-24-2019, 07:25 PM
Thanks man, the encouragement is much appreciated!
Today was a weird one. I was at work and all of a sudden I felt like I was 16 again skateboarding outside in the fall. I smelled the leaves, the cool air, and my emotional state. I should note that skateboarding was frequently my escape from life when I was younger. I'd have days where I'd take a break and just sit in the grass, but I felt seriously depressed and hopeless. It felt like I was going back to that time to process stuff.
After that one i seemed to be trying to find the source of my creativity anxiety and frustration. I went all the way back to elementary school where I remembered working hard on some drawing but there was another kid that was way better and I felt my art wasn't good enough. So from this I realized I've struggled with this for a while, it's not just an adult thing. I think life was really hard for me as a kid too. As an adult I can look at those situations now and understand them better. But I imagine as a kid it was just really heavy emotional stuff I had no control over.
I've really been trying to move forward and push past fear lately, but these events showed me maybe I have to take some time to work on healing the parts of me that were conditioned to that fear. Fear doesn't exist in a vacuum, it comes from somewhere. Me trying to bulldoze my way through fear, as if it was this tangible thing that stood in my way was an exercise in futility. I see now fear is attached to parts of my being that just need healing.
Today was a weird one. I was at work and all of a sudden I felt like I was 16 again skateboarding outside in the fall. I smelled the leaves, the cool air, and my emotional state. I should note that skateboarding was frequently my escape from life when I was younger. I'd have days where I'd take a break and just sit in the grass, but I felt seriously depressed and hopeless. It felt like I was going back to that time to process stuff.
After that one i seemed to be trying to find the source of my creativity anxiety and frustration. I went all the way back to elementary school where I remembered working hard on some drawing but there was another kid that was way better and I felt my art wasn't good enough. So from this I realized I've struggled with this for a while, it's not just an adult thing. I think life was really hard for me as a kid too. As an adult I can look at those situations now and understand them better. But I imagine as a kid it was just really heavy emotional stuff I had no control over.
I've really been trying to move forward and push past fear lately, but these events showed me maybe I have to take some time to work on healing the parts of me that were conditioned to that fear. Fear doesn't exist in a vacuum, it comes from somewhere. Me trying to bulldoze my way through fear, as if it was this tangible thing that stood in my way was an exercise in futility. I see now fear is attached to parts of my being that just need healing.
INFP
