04-08-2019, 09:58 AM
So after reading about Shannon's emotional healing in his journal, I'm trying to be more honest with myself. So here goes.
I'm afraid. I've been afraid most of my life. I try to tell myself I'm not, to be courageous, to be strong, but I'm always afraid. I'm afraid of this world. I don't see it as a place of opportunity. It feels more like something that rips things away from you. I'm moving forward, I'm not running, but to deny how I really feel about all of it does me no favors.
I've hit a lot of walls in my life. When I was younger I was pretty idealistic. But the more challenges I faced and the more I felt it beat me down, it got harder. It never really felt like I was getting better. It just felt like I learned to cope better. It gets to a point where it just becomes about survival. Not really living.
I try to hide all this from people. I think to myself, you're an adult you should be past all this. It becomes impossible to form friendships for me because it feels like a dark secret I carry.
There are just some things about myself, I can't even describe or put into words. Like I just think about my life and feel like this can't be it. This can't be all there is. Sometimes I'm so deep in this weird autopilot state with work and it breaks sometimes on the weekends. And I get this really dark feeling that washes over me. It's like this clarity and it scares me to death because I see I'm not happy. When you're so afraid of change, you bury that unhappiness. You deny it. For the sake of survival you just keep moving forward. But that's not sustainable, you crack eventually.
I guess my biggest fear has always been. "What if I can't achieve happiness?" It's always felt like it's there for most people, but for me I had to really try at it. And it was always those in between moments in silence when I was alone it would hit me like a truck. This feeling of things being wrong but not knowing how to fix it.
I'm afraid. I've been afraid most of my life. I try to tell myself I'm not, to be courageous, to be strong, but I'm always afraid. I'm afraid of this world. I don't see it as a place of opportunity. It feels more like something that rips things away from you. I'm moving forward, I'm not running, but to deny how I really feel about all of it does me no favors.
I've hit a lot of walls in my life. When I was younger I was pretty idealistic. But the more challenges I faced and the more I felt it beat me down, it got harder. It never really felt like I was getting better. It just felt like I learned to cope better. It gets to a point where it just becomes about survival. Not really living.
I try to hide all this from people. I think to myself, you're an adult you should be past all this. It becomes impossible to form friendships for me because it feels like a dark secret I carry.
There are just some things about myself, I can't even describe or put into words. Like I just think about my life and feel like this can't be it. This can't be all there is. Sometimes I'm so deep in this weird autopilot state with work and it breaks sometimes on the weekends. And I get this really dark feeling that washes over me. It's like this clarity and it scares me to death because I see I'm not happy. When you're so afraid of change, you bury that unhappiness. You deny it. For the sake of survival you just keep moving forward. But that's not sustainable, you crack eventually.
I guess my biggest fear has always been. "What if I can't achieve happiness?" It's always felt like it's there for most people, but for me I had to really try at it. And it was always those in between moments in silence when I was alone it would hit me like a truck. This feeling of things being wrong but not knowing how to fix it.
INFP
