03-29-2019, 02:46 AM
Damn, this is tough. Back on LTU yesterday. While listening I felt that self worth building and simultaneously the pushback from subconscious. But instead of going along with that negative view of myself I just kept enforcing self compassion and kindness. After that I noticed a lot of guilt pop up.
Where I'm at now with my job, I'm not all that happy. Some of the challenges I have to face I really have no drive for. So it becomes something I really have to force myself through and if I don't keep on top of myself I slack off. That's been a thing in my life, if I have no interest it's damn near impossible for me to focus. And here's where the guilt sets in. I feel like I should be trying harder to learn this stuff and that I have a great opportunity others would kill for. I mean I have a job, a lot of others don't even have that. But I just don't feel happy. I know I should be grateful for these things but in the grand scheme of things I don't. I could be in a far worse off situation like in a warzone, homelessness, terrible poverty, etc. But for some reason acknowledging that doesn't really offset the amount of discontent I feel in my own life. I've felt like I've been on autopilot for the last year just grinding this out. It's incredibly 1st world problems I have, but it just feels like mental torture getting up every day knowing I've just traded 8 hours of my life I'll never get back.
I've never really fit in. So it's no surprise that the common approach to life makes me deeply unhappy. I've always felt guilty about that.
Where I'm at now with my job, I'm not all that happy. Some of the challenges I have to face I really have no drive for. So it becomes something I really have to force myself through and if I don't keep on top of myself I slack off. That's been a thing in my life, if I have no interest it's damn near impossible for me to focus. And here's where the guilt sets in. I feel like I should be trying harder to learn this stuff and that I have a great opportunity others would kill for. I mean I have a job, a lot of others don't even have that. But I just don't feel happy. I know I should be grateful for these things but in the grand scheme of things I don't. I could be in a far worse off situation like in a warzone, homelessness, terrible poverty, etc. But for some reason acknowledging that doesn't really offset the amount of discontent I feel in my own life. I've felt like I've been on autopilot for the last year just grinding this out. It's incredibly 1st world problems I have, but it just feels like mental torture getting up every day knowing I've just traded 8 hours of my life I'll never get back.
I've never really fit in. So it's no surprise that the common approach to life makes me deeply unhappy. I've always felt guilty about that.
INFP
