03-25-2019, 02:52 AM
Hit a really low point last night. Having thoughts like why am I so messed up and why is everything so hard for me? Then I realized it's because I'm sensitive. I'm sensitive and I try not to be, but it's an inborn trait. I'm about 95% certain it is. I didn't have any control over it when I was younger and instead of acknowledging how it may have caused me to experience more distress with minor things, I just took the man up route. Trying to be tough or ignoring the things that always had a profound impact on me is dumb. I felt that last night with LTU, it was digging into my past where that sensitivity predisposed me towards greater emotional damage. It always seems like exaggerating or blowing things out of proportion, but that's because I have an adult awareness now. Unfortunately I've realized those past hurts that have been locked away exist in a realm where part of my mind still is that highly sensitive kid and doesn't have the adult awareness. It just feels the pain. So no it doesn't make sense, but it doesn't matter.
Also had a dream last night where this corruption spread on my body. There was some corporate CEO executive type that was causing it. So I rebelled and tried punching him in the face a couple of times. But my punches were weak and I was losing the fight. The corruption spread to my face and it felt like I was slowly losing my identity and being consumed by something outside of me. I took off the uniform in my closet and the corruption died down. But then the CEO started choking me and trying to kill me.
Woke up really angry/determined not to let these jobs in my life rule me. My current one feels like a soul sucking parasite. I haven't acknowledged it for the longest time because I thought I was exaggerating. But with this realization about sensitivity and that dream, it feels like my energy is leeched off of me. It feels like my job is a sentient energy structure that preys on me as crazy as that sounds. What transurfing would call a pendulum.
Also had a dream last night where this corruption spread on my body. There was some corporate CEO executive type that was causing it. So I rebelled and tried punching him in the face a couple of times. But my punches were weak and I was losing the fight. The corruption spread to my face and it felt like I was slowly losing my identity and being consumed by something outside of me. I took off the uniform in my closet and the corruption died down. But then the CEO started choking me and trying to kill me.
Woke up really angry/determined not to let these jobs in my life rule me. My current one feels like a soul sucking parasite. I haven't acknowledged it for the longest time because I thought I was exaggerating. But with this realization about sensitivity and that dream, it feels like my energy is leeched off of me. It feels like my job is a sentient energy structure that preys on me as crazy as that sounds. What transurfing would call a pendulum.
INFP
