03-10-2019, 07:18 AM
Starting to wonder if my ongoing fatigue all my life is due to carrying this heavy emotional weight all the time. Feeling lost, alone, unhappy, but forcing myself through life so I don't fall behind or end up homeless. If my intense focus on the outward things is a way to distance myself from the internal stuff. Just gritting my teeth and telling myself to keep going. I feel like maybe I've just been in a constant state of panic or fear, obsessed with always moving. Not necessarily in the right direction either. More like a panicked running.
I can't remember a time other than really early childhood when I've felt ok. And by ok I mean not feeling like my world is going to come crashing down at any point. I always feel one step away from ruining my life. That fear has always been pervasive and aside from a few select moments, I feel that my life in general just feels like this.
Currently sitting on my couch debating if I want to finish working on a piece of music I started. At what point do I put myself first vs my music? I can't tell sometimes if forcing myself to create is a good thing or not. I feel like maybe I'm still dealing with the "I have to be better" mentality. Discipline is important, but maybe I go too far sometimes. Sacrificing my own mental health. I was reading an interview with a producer that said he never forced anything. He just went to the studio when he felt like creating. The dude has a massive catalogue of work and I can't imagine having that much music done without forcing myself to work. But maybe that's an attitude I have to change. To stop thinking I have to push and push to get better. Maybe I need to relax more and let it come to me.
I can't remember a time other than really early childhood when I've felt ok. And by ok I mean not feeling like my world is going to come crashing down at any point. I always feel one step away from ruining my life. That fear has always been pervasive and aside from a few select moments, I feel that my life in general just feels like this.
Currently sitting on my couch debating if I want to finish working on a piece of music I started. At what point do I put myself first vs my music? I can't tell sometimes if forcing myself to create is a good thing or not. I feel like maybe I'm still dealing with the "I have to be better" mentality. Discipline is important, but maybe I go too far sometimes. Sacrificing my own mental health. I was reading an interview with a producer that said he never forced anything. He just went to the studio when he felt like creating. The dude has a massive catalogue of work and I can't imagine having that much music done without forcing myself to work. But maybe that's an attitude I have to change. To stop thinking I have to push and push to get better. Maybe I need to relax more and let it come to me.
INFP
