LTU: Moving forward

[mat422]

First off, holy crap. I didn't realize LTU had the FULL titles, I thought it was modules. And the fact that it's 12 titles. Wow. I just got around to buying it because I'm starting tomorrow, but I wasn't expecting this much. I'm even more excited to start this now.

I figured before I jumped into this program I'd outline some of the stuff I've been struggling with that I hope LTU can work on. In bulleted form so I don't get carried away and go on another one of my rants.

• Perfectionism - I've struggled with this for a while now. It holds me back a lot. Being afraid of trying new things, being afraid of things that are less than ideal, putting others down in my head or devaluing stuff if my own skills or abilities don't match. It's just been very toxic. I rarely move forward as much as possible and I close myself off to the vast pool of inspiration out there.
  
• Insecurity - I am incredibly insecure. For years now I've told myself I'm not, but there's stuff there that needs to be addressed. This sort of ties in with perfectionism. I compare myself a lot to others. Get very defensive in my own head when someone is better than me at something because I perceive it as a threat to my own self worth. I believe, but I'm not sure, perfectionism was a response to core self worth issues. I try to get interactions and relationships "perfect" or manipulate them in ways that aren't genuine to me but result in favorable outcomes.
  
• Relationships- I've always been a very closed off person. Guarding my emotions tightly, rarely letting anyone in. My relationships have been few and far between, but I feel I often sabotage them. Push people away before they can either reject me or to hide parts of myself I don't like(ties into the perfectionism again).
  
• Living authentically/not being subtly controlled by the opinions of others- The life I'm living right now, it's not terrible but it doesn't feel like me. I feel trapped a lot of the time. I feel like I'm doing it for someone else. Yet a lot of the time I have trouble breaking that fear. There's a part of me that longs for a different way of living, but at the same time it's not abundantly clear what it is. And I think that just might be a product of fear. Ill defined goals and cloudy perspective on what the future holds has always been a problem of mine. But I believe it's a tactic to get me to stay in place, after all if I can't plan or see where I'm going I'm more likely to stay in the same place.
  

I think that about covers it. It feels like this entire week my mind has been prepping for LTU. Tackling everything at once is definitely the way to go for me though. Through the years I've seen just how much my behavior is tied together like a spider web of issues. Sometimes confusing me to the point of honestly not knowing what to work on or where to start.

I'll say this though, I feel as if I've been stuck for so long I have a really hard time even imagining a life beyond what I'm living right now. It's not that I've given up or quit, I've just banged my head against the wall so many times my expectations are rather low. But I keep trying despite that.

[Benjamin]

Good luck. Good to see another LTU journal. I've been waiting for more of them to see if I should give it a go.

[mat422]

Started LTU yesterday. First thing I noticed, I've been very stressed about my job without realizing it. I woke up today and I had this lighter feeling that I haven't felt in about 4 years. Ever since I took this job I've felt more responsible for it, but at the same time there was a clear boundary that was crossed into when I was away from work. Had a dream about one of the managers there complaining about something and giving me shit and I just erupted in anger at her. Then a part of me was like, oh no people don't think you're nice anymore! And I was like screw it, I don't care. Let people think I'm an asshole, I won't be walked all over anymore or disrespected. I sometimes wonder if I do work in a toxic work environment and I've just been ignorant to it.

The other thing is I'm finding less of a need to watch videos and read about music production. It's getting to a point where I feel as if the real learning is me applying all those techniques to express myself. Learning how I want to articulate stuff, making my own decisions, and discovering my own preferences and how I want my music to sound. I feel closer to the feeling I had when I first got into music, except I have a better idea of how to build a song. My obsessive need to research was really just fear in disguise and wanting a clear answer for how to do things. Basically the exact opposite of creativity.

[mat422]

Definitely some heavy stuff going on last night. For a lot of my life I've had this fear. That if everything fell away and I was just myself and I wasn't putting on a mask I'd be an empty shell of a person. Just feeling dead inside. A large portion of my life was spent in depression. What a lot of people don't get about depression is it's not sadness. It's a huge void where you want to feel happy, you want to genuinely smile around people vs doing it so they aren't concerned, you don't want to be alone with your thoughts but at the same time being in the company of others isn't comforting. It's like being in limbo, except your life passes you by in the blink of an eye.

I got really good at coping. But it's been a continual effort. It didn't hit me till last night that I still struggle with this. I just got really good at telling myself I was past it. But if I'm constantly living in fear of letting go and allowing what's really sitting beneath the surface, clearly I haven't addressed everything.

[Frosted]

Good luck man . REALLY want to run LTU but can't cause I started AM6. I've quit a few subliminals but never AM6 and my gut told me to keep running AM6. I really need that physical healing stuff not to mention my roomate who hears the subs I listen to. Feels like LTU literally has everything I was looking for besides what AM6 had. If it only had MLS too... Sigh.

I have the feeling this sub is it for you. It's gonna push that wall hard you've been struggling against. Can't wait to hear about your changes.

[mat422]

Good luck man . REALLY want to run LTU but can't cause I started AM6. I've quit a few subliminals but never AM6 and my gut told me to keep running AM6. I really need that physical healing stuff not to mention my roomate who hears the subs I listen to. Feels like LTU literally has everything I was looking for besides what AM6 had. If it only had MLS too... Sigh.

I have the feeling this sub is it for you. It's gonna push that wall hard you've been struggling against. Can't wait to hear about your changes.

Thanks! I was debating between this or AM6. But I came to the conclusion that a lot of the reason I wanted to run AM6 was for the alpha image due to deep insecurities. So I figured I'd be better off tackling those directly

I'm hoping this moves me past all this too. If anything it's bringing more attention to what I've swept under the rug and didn't properly deal with. I've been fighting longstanding behaviors and actions from the surface thinking that's where the self growth was, but there was another deeper layer underneath that fueling these behaviors. It definitely feels like LTU is drilling down to the source of that.

[THolt]

Good luck man :). REALLY want to run LTU but can't cause I started AM6. I've quit a few subliminals but never AM6 and my gut told me to keep running AM6. I really need that physical healing stuff not to mention my roomate who hears the subs I listen to. Feels like LTU literally has everything I was looking for besides what AM6 had. If it only had MLS too... Sigh.

I have the feeling this sub is it for you. It's gonna push that wall hard you've been struggling against. Can't wait to hear about your changes.

Thanks! I was debating between this or AM6. But I came to the conclusion that a lot of the reason I wanted to run AM6 was for the alpha image due to deep insecurities. So I figured I'd be better off tackling those directly

I'm hoping this moves me past all this too. If anything it's bringing more attention to what I've swept under the rug and didn't properly deal with. I've been fighting longstanding behaviors and actions from the surface thinking that's where the self growth was, but there was another deeper layer underneath that fueling these behaviors. It definitely feels like LTU is drilling down to the source of that.

How do you feel like LTU is affecting your interactions with people?

[mat422]

Kinda early to tell. I'm only on my second day. I'll have to reassess in about a week. But I was more eager to get out of my house and hang out with my friends this weekend. Usually I feel too drained from my work week.

[findingme]

I'm hoping this moves me past all this too. If anything it's bringing more attention to what I've swept under the rug and didn't properly deal with. I've been fighting longstanding behaviors and actions from the surface thinking that's where the self growth was, but there was another deeper layer underneath that fueling these behaviors. It definitely feels like LTU is drilling down to the source of that.

That's good to hear. That sounds exactly like UD in action. I kind of sat in your shoes just reading that, and I felt and remembered old sadness I experienced while running UD, for I held on to old stagnant beliefs for a very long time.

I miss those life-changing moments. I'll be picking up LTU soon, as it's much more balanced with all the supportive programs. UD is one powerful, beautiful program, all by itself. It woke me up to what I was REALLY doing and thinking, like you're experiencing.

Thank you for keeping a journal. It's encouraging, both your highs and your lows.

[mat422]

LTU continues to pull stuff out of me. I had this moment last night where I felt myself releasing stuff and sort of shift. The best way to describe it is it felt like I was traveling through different probability lines of reality. It's like the idea of success seems more attainable because it's going to happen. It's no longer an if, but a when. It feels like it already happened in the future and I'm just getting the info sent back to me.

Something else to think of. I think fear held me back a lot from fully embracing all this. In terms of delusion and whatnot. Stuff like different realities, shifting probabilities, etc. It flies in the face of the reality most people tell you. But I feel like with the fear lessening I'm more open to new things and experiences, not just in the general sense of life but how much you can push beyond the limits. The potential of our minds.

If this is TID from the new change this is going to be crazy powerful.

[mat422]

Very tired. Even though this is supposed to be an all around life tune up, I still find myself intensely focused on my music. I've been analyzing different artists, seeing how they execute stuff, how I can improve my own stuff etc. I can't tell if I'm still under the influence of perfectionism or if this drive to make things as good as possible is healthy. Since I work with electronic music there's a lot more to it than just learning chords and scales. Whereas a person playing guitar just has to focus on their one instrument, I'm composing all the instruments and have to consciously keep in mind how they interact with each other. In addition to that I'm crafting the timbre of them and manipulating it throughout the song to effect overall tension/release.

I don't want to sound like a dick here, but I've heard a lot of music from other artists that is very flat, formulaic, and seems like low effort was put into it. Yet some of them are very popular. Part of me wishes I could just say screw it and not care about the finer aspects of music production. But another part of me is driven to push myself to go above and beyond what's already out there. I can't say at this point in time my music reflects this attitude, it's nothing special or unique. However, I feel like I'm rarely content with what I make. I used to see that as a bad thing, but now I feel it's probably good because it pushes me to grow. I'd hate to be a person that stops being able to see when their art needs improvement and stagnates.

I found myself avoiding working on my track today. These past few days I hit quite a few walls with regards to music making. It gets to the point where my mind starts associating it with stress because I can't figure out what's not working in it. But sitting on my couch I realized it's a problem and it will be solved, so I'm better off trying vs just avoiding it.

Overall still trying to determine if these attitudes help or hurt me.

[mat422]

Super tired. For some reason I couldn't sleep at all last night with LTU playing. Felt a lot of tension and caught myself grinding my teeth. When this happens it's usually a sign of resistance for me. The teeth grinding is a response to try to diffuse the anxious energy. So I'm really tired today which is going to make work a bit difficult. Normally my reaction to these kinds of days is to have some coffee, but I've stopped doing that because I noticed the adverse health effects it has on me.

Also feel like I might be getting sick. Or maybe it's the detox. My body has been calling for tons of water.

[DarkTempatation]

Hi @mat422 have you read a little update of my LTU on Shannon's journal discussion;

https://subliminal-talk.com/Thread-Men-s...-?page=385

If you get the chance I mean I'm doing good with I think I'm resisting too sadly

[cataleya]

Super tired. For some reason I couldn't sleep at all last night with LTU playing. Felt a lot of tension and caught myself grinding my teeth. When this happens it's usually a sign of resistance for me. The teeth grinding is a response to try to diffuse the anxious energy. So I'm really tired today which is going to make work a bit difficult. Normally my reaction to these kinds of days is to have some coffee, but I've stopped doing that because I noticed the adverse health effects it has on me.

Also feel like I might be getting sick. Or maybe it's the detox. My body has been calling for tons of water.

I have been grinding my teeth since I was a kid. It doesn`t happen every night, but when I wake up in the morning and my jaw hurts I know I have been grinding all night. I was secretly hoping subs will eventually deal with this, but no such luck so far.