I’m on the first day of my second break. I have to say that this one is hitting some real deep issues that I have been living with for so long that I didn’t even realize were issues, or at least didn’t think about that often. I dare say I am becoming more mentally healthy by the day, and it really feels good. It’s not that I was a mental mess before, at least not outwardly, but a lot of the time I was holding things together by force of will and discipline. Now I seem to be heading into a genuinely calmer place.
New things I’ve noticed since my last post:
- I have certain, call them, lines of thought which come over me and throw me into a very angry state. Some of the things I think about have to do with things that happened to me as a kid, some have to do with conflicts that I’ve never been in but I suppose might, and some are just things that really tick me off. It’s weird, for a few seconds anyway, I’m “there” and I’m just as angry as I would be if I were really experiencingthe thing. It’s kind of like how a PTSD flashback has been described to me by some veterans I know. I show outward signs like odd body movements and facial expressions, and I can tell it’s happening because I clench my teeth in a certain way. This has been happening since I was a kid.
Well, suddenly, today I realized I have some control over it. Before I was too far in it to stop it. It started to happen a few times today, and I just said no, unclenched my jaw, and the negative emotions drained away in a few seconds. This is a pretty big breakthrough.
- I wanted to write fiction when I was in high school and college. I made some tries at it back then, some of them were pretty good starts, but I lacked follow through so nothing ever came of it. I haven’t even tried in the last decade or so. I’ve had stories and chericters in my head, just never sat down at a keyboard to try to let them out. Today, I started to have a coherent (much more coherent than before) plan for a story I’ve tried to write before forming, and a sense that I’m going to sit down and write it.
- I am now thinking of my main goals as if I already have them. It’s just a matter of time before they become a physical reality, and all doubt in the matter is gone.
- I am really getting active on finding the type of job I want. Fear was holding me back before, not so much now.
- I think I’m starting to loose weight. My pants are fitting looser anyway.
New things I’ve noticed since my last post:
- I have certain, call them, lines of thought which come over me and throw me into a very angry state. Some of the things I think about have to do with things that happened to me as a kid, some have to do with conflicts that I’ve never been in but I suppose might, and some are just things that really tick me off. It’s weird, for a few seconds anyway, I’m “there” and I’m just as angry as I would be if I were really experiencingthe thing. It’s kind of like how a PTSD flashback has been described to me by some veterans I know. I show outward signs like odd body movements and facial expressions, and I can tell it’s happening because I clench my teeth in a certain way. This has been happening since I was a kid.
Well, suddenly, today I realized I have some control over it. Before I was too far in it to stop it. It started to happen a few times today, and I just said no, unclenched my jaw, and the negative emotions drained away in a few seconds. This is a pretty big breakthrough.
- I wanted to write fiction when I was in high school and college. I made some tries at it back then, some of them were pretty good starts, but I lacked follow through so nothing ever came of it. I haven’t even tried in the last decade or so. I’ve had stories and chericters in my head, just never sat down at a keyboard to try to let them out. Today, I started to have a coherent (much more coherent than before) plan for a story I’ve tried to write before forming, and a sense that I’m going to sit down and write it.
- I am now thinking of my main goals as if I already have them. It’s just a matter of time before they become a physical reality, and all doubt in the matter is gone.
- I am really getting active on finding the type of job I want. Fear was holding me back before, not so much now.
- I think I’m starting to loose weight. My pants are fitting looser anyway.
