05-01-2017, 03:18 AM
Ok, so a bit more than a month later...
I've been reading and thinking a lot. Read a couple book on Stoicism and now I'm on my 2nd book about CBT. But not reading in sense that I used to compulsively consume material, but now its more like I'll open the book and read a little, then use the tools and perspectives to just explore, reconsider and re-evaluate some experiences and perceptions I have and have had. Also the gf has been great in a way because we were clashing and fighting a lot, and that forced me/us to either break up or dig up and face all the different automatic faulty patterns and presumptions and assignments of meaning we both do. And its gotten a lot better again, especially since I started looking into CBT.
Anyway, two thoughts that have been forming in my head these last 2 days:
1. Apparently sometimes in OCD, there can be a tendency to assume (full) responsibility for the well-being of others. Definitely something I recognized. Digging deeper, I think for me its about labeling myself as "Selfish" unless I'm not self less. So e.g. maybe I'd like to go out with a couple guys when I think or assume the gf might be needing some attention that she isn't saying out loud. So its anxiety (future prediction, mind reading, catastrophizing) about the confrontation, and especially how I would see myself as a bad person for being selfish like that. So, what I can do is search for evidence for and against that claim. Also, I can think of any 5 people: are they Selfish or Selfless? Put each of them on a scale with those opposite ends, and you'll see that everyone lies somewhere in between. And if everyone is like, then I must also lie somewhere there in between: a little selfish with some things, but also selfless with many other things. And now that I think of the words self less, it actually means I have no self. Which means I have nothing I want for me, which means I have no opinions, no drive, no personality, nothing interesting. So a little selfishness is good. If I know what I want and express it, then I'm actually being me, and then the interaction is actually real with me in it - as opposed to being fully self less where I'm not bringing any personality to it at all. The way I see it now is that being selfish is the fuel that gets you to do stuff, to be creative, and to have that spark in you. But I don't do stuff with the intention to hurt anyone, its just that I that I might want something. So if a selfish thought gets me going, and it'd rather be useful and constructive to people than not, then the two actually support each other in maximizing my personal production of usefulness; and lacking either quality fully would also cut my production to zero. So that's interesting.
2. I'm pretty much used to always feeling this pressure of not being good enough in a lot of things, even though pretty much anything I really dig into comes out as a success. Maybe it wasn't like that when I was were young, though. Anyway, I've been trying to look for evidence as to how those certain people that I might see disapproving me are actually expressing that disapproval, i.e. whether its a fact or just a negative viewpoint that I have. When the gf was feeling low I kept re-evaluating that is it actually FACT that she's really pissed at me, or am I mind reading (=impossible); is it possible that there's some other explanation that's actually more likely? And then at work, when this person comes hovering around my desk just at the time I feel a little overwhelmed and unsure what the fuck is it that I'm supposed to be doing right now to reach the pretty much impossible and totally under-defined performance goal in my head, is it for a FACT that they're disapproving me for my bad performance and uselessness? My feedback is all positive, how can that be if what I perceive now is true? But now that I'm realizing e.g. that the gf mostly adores me, I'll still get this feeling of being disapproved, and after quickly checking that no, there are no facts supporting that its coming from her, and no, there's just a couple random people around in the bus that don't show any signs of hostility and that I have not interacted with, then I get this cognitive dissonance where I could almost point out with my finger to a person who's doing it, but he isn't actually there. Yeah, I know its me, but it also feels like he's not me, but this... person, who's basically just air somewhere a little behind me or just at some corner I can't quite see now. Maybe a voice that I can't actually hear right now. So what I'm thinking now is that normally I've just picked up on some signs where someone is in a bad mood or stressed or feeling threatened themselves, or ignoring me, or performing better than me, or not saying something directly but hinting at it or something than doesn't actually have to mean anything wrt. to me, and I'll conclude that this disapproving entity must be him/her, and then I'll feel low and treat him/her accordingly, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Also wrt. to groups and being in public: I'll have this thing telling me I'm not good enough or I don't belong or deserve or what I'm offering is shit, and and then I somehow seem to know and expect that the group will eventually reject me because they will see the truth of what this voice hinting at, and with that they will confirm it as fact. One real example would be that I was thinking about this stuff and posting it here on the forum, and there's this presence saying that these thoughts or insights are not good enough or not clever or smart enough, and that in the end I'm just posting them to get attention and to feel important. So then I'll expect that others will also see right through me if I post this out, and therefore, even if they will never say anything, I can safely assume that they disapproved and rejected me (which confirms the negative belief that I'm not good enough). Whew. Anyway, it does feel somewhat freeing, realizing the person in the next room is usually not demanding anything of me, and that I'm actually quite free to do whatever I like.
Btw, the gf was on her period but horny yesterday, so I got a bj in bed when we were waking up that she interrupted because she said she wants to continue later, then a couple hours later she started again and made me cum in her mouth which seriously rocked my world hard because she's done that maybe once ever and I've really been just hoping she'd do that. (Usually she wants some also, so that's why.) Then, after we were out in the evening and then back home, she wanted to go again, but this time because she wanted to know how good it is if she got ice cubes in her mouth as she's doing it(!). I then proceeded to penetrate and slap the hell outta her. So yeah, going good again. See ya!
I've been reading and thinking a lot. Read a couple book on Stoicism and now I'm on my 2nd book about CBT. But not reading in sense that I used to compulsively consume material, but now its more like I'll open the book and read a little, then use the tools and perspectives to just explore, reconsider and re-evaluate some experiences and perceptions I have and have had. Also the gf has been great in a way because we were clashing and fighting a lot, and that forced me/us to either break up or dig up and face all the different automatic faulty patterns and presumptions and assignments of meaning we both do. And its gotten a lot better again, especially since I started looking into CBT.
Anyway, two thoughts that have been forming in my head these last 2 days:
1. Apparently sometimes in OCD, there can be a tendency to assume (full) responsibility for the well-being of others. Definitely something I recognized. Digging deeper, I think for me its about labeling myself as "Selfish" unless I'm not self less. So e.g. maybe I'd like to go out with a couple guys when I think or assume the gf might be needing some attention that she isn't saying out loud. So its anxiety (future prediction, mind reading, catastrophizing) about the confrontation, and especially how I would see myself as a bad person for being selfish like that. So, what I can do is search for evidence for and against that claim. Also, I can think of any 5 people: are they Selfish or Selfless? Put each of them on a scale with those opposite ends, and you'll see that everyone lies somewhere in between. And if everyone is like, then I must also lie somewhere there in between: a little selfish with some things, but also selfless with many other things. And now that I think of the words self less, it actually means I have no self. Which means I have nothing I want for me, which means I have no opinions, no drive, no personality, nothing interesting. So a little selfishness is good. If I know what I want and express it, then I'm actually being me, and then the interaction is actually real with me in it - as opposed to being fully self less where I'm not bringing any personality to it at all. The way I see it now is that being selfish is the fuel that gets you to do stuff, to be creative, and to have that spark in you. But I don't do stuff with the intention to hurt anyone, its just that I that I might want something. So if a selfish thought gets me going, and it'd rather be useful and constructive to people than not, then the two actually support each other in maximizing my personal production of usefulness; and lacking either quality fully would also cut my production to zero. So that's interesting.
2. I'm pretty much used to always feeling this pressure of not being good enough in a lot of things, even though pretty much anything I really dig into comes out as a success. Maybe it wasn't like that when I was were young, though. Anyway, I've been trying to look for evidence as to how those certain people that I might see disapproving me are actually expressing that disapproval, i.e. whether its a fact or just a negative viewpoint that I have. When the gf was feeling low I kept re-evaluating that is it actually FACT that she's really pissed at me, or am I mind reading (=impossible); is it possible that there's some other explanation that's actually more likely? And then at work, when this person comes hovering around my desk just at the time I feel a little overwhelmed and unsure what the fuck is it that I'm supposed to be doing right now to reach the pretty much impossible and totally under-defined performance goal in my head, is it for a FACT that they're disapproving me for my bad performance and uselessness? My feedback is all positive, how can that be if what I perceive now is true? But now that I'm realizing e.g. that the gf mostly adores me, I'll still get this feeling of being disapproved, and after quickly checking that no, there are no facts supporting that its coming from her, and no, there's just a couple random people around in the bus that don't show any signs of hostility and that I have not interacted with, then I get this cognitive dissonance where I could almost point out with my finger to a person who's doing it, but he isn't actually there. Yeah, I know its me, but it also feels like he's not me, but this... person, who's basically just air somewhere a little behind me or just at some corner I can't quite see now. Maybe a voice that I can't actually hear right now. So what I'm thinking now is that normally I've just picked up on some signs where someone is in a bad mood or stressed or feeling threatened themselves, or ignoring me, or performing better than me, or not saying something directly but hinting at it or something than doesn't actually have to mean anything wrt. to me, and I'll conclude that this disapproving entity must be him/her, and then I'll feel low and treat him/her accordingly, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Also wrt. to groups and being in public: I'll have this thing telling me I'm not good enough or I don't belong or deserve or what I'm offering is shit, and and then I somehow seem to know and expect that the group will eventually reject me because they will see the truth of what this voice hinting at, and with that they will confirm it as fact. One real example would be that I was thinking about this stuff and posting it here on the forum, and there's this presence saying that these thoughts or insights are not good enough or not clever or smart enough, and that in the end I'm just posting them to get attention and to feel important. So then I'll expect that others will also see right through me if I post this out, and therefore, even if they will never say anything, I can safely assume that they disapproved and rejected me (which confirms the negative belief that I'm not good enough). Whew. Anyway, it does feel somewhat freeing, realizing the person in the next room is usually not demanding anything of me, and that I'm actually quite free to do whatever I like.
Btw, the gf was on her period but horny yesterday, so I got a bj in bed when we were waking up that she interrupted because she said she wants to continue later, then a couple hours later she started again and made me cum in her mouth which seriously rocked my world hard because she's done that maybe once ever and I've really been just hoping she'd do that. (Usually she wants some also, so that's why.) Then, after we were out in the evening and then back home, she wanted to go again, but this time because she wanted to know how good it is if she got ice cubes in her mouth as she's doing it(!). I then proceeded to penetrate and slap the hell outta her. So yeah, going good again. See ya!
Thoughts, opinions and beliefs subject to change without prior notice.