08-02-2011, 05:54 AM
Thanks Pattie, that's really comforting to know. I've put some thought into what you said, and you're right. I think what I said stems from the (dysfunctional/neurotic) belief that everything has to appear as 'perfect' to the outside world, even though in reality it's not. And when I do feel worthy enough to express the more negative bits, guilt or feeling shameful tends to dwell up afterwards because I think I'll be rejected or ignored for it.
It reminds me a bit when I was still learning to drive, I was really reluctant to do more 'bold' actions like; breaking, giving and taking priority (not sure if this is the correct term) and looking in the "dead" zone. I think my behavior had to do with not appearing to do something obvious to other people, because if you do something or stand for something, it means that people can shame you for it. Especially when you don't feel certain enough that the actions you're actually taking are the correct way to go, and by default think that 'everything' you do on your own is per definition wrong.
I think I'll have to reinstate and focus on one of the basic values/rules I had before my nervous breakdown, which basically was to express myself accordingly to my thoughts and values, and if people disagree with me or my values hurt them they'll let me know. (Healthy/functional people that care for me or what I have to say will tell it to my face, and dysfunctional people that care for me or what I say will let it know in more indirect ways, or just talk about my 'appalling' behavior behind my back. And people that don't care, don't care.
What I was intending to mention with my driving lessons was that after a while I got a better perspective on when to break and when not to, which felt like a long and painstakingly process. And after learning it, I mentioned this to my teacher, and it kind of bummed me out when my teacher said "You could've just drove around, I would've stepped on the breaks irregardlessly".
I think that's the way, just drive around, experiment and when necessary a teacher will appear and will step on my breaks or tell me when it's ok to break. And I'll see for myself if it's also in my best interest if I want to break. And even when there's not a teacher I will blissfully ignorant of my ways.
Thanks for making me aware of this, and be assured I'll will not fret from depressing this place up as much as I can in my future posts.
It reminds me a bit when I was still learning to drive, I was really reluctant to do more 'bold' actions like; breaking, giving and taking priority (not sure if this is the correct term) and looking in the "dead" zone. I think my behavior had to do with not appearing to do something obvious to other people, because if you do something or stand for something, it means that people can shame you for it. Especially when you don't feel certain enough that the actions you're actually taking are the correct way to go, and by default think that 'everything' you do on your own is per definition wrong.
I think I'll have to reinstate and focus on one of the basic values/rules I had before my nervous breakdown, which basically was to express myself accordingly to my thoughts and values, and if people disagree with me or my values hurt them they'll let me know. (Healthy/functional people that care for me or what I have to say will tell it to my face, and dysfunctional people that care for me or what I say will let it know in more indirect ways, or just talk about my 'appalling' behavior behind my back. And people that don't care, don't care.
What I was intending to mention with my driving lessons was that after a while I got a better perspective on when to break and when not to, which felt like a long and painstakingly process. And after learning it, I mentioned this to my teacher, and it kind of bummed me out when my teacher said "You could've just drove around, I would've stepped on the breaks irregardlessly".
I think that's the way, just drive around, experiment and when necessary a teacher will appear and will step on my breaks or tell me when it's ok to break. And I'll see for myself if it's also in my best interest if I want to break. And even when there's not a teacher I will blissfully ignorant of my ways.
Thanks for making me aware of this, and be assured I'll will not fret from depressing this place up as much as I can in my future posts.
