Jay - Alpha Male 2011 Journal

[Jay]

Hi everyone,

I’ve decided to start a new journal again, since I think it could be worthwhile to share my findings regarding subliminals being used to combat Body Dismorphic Disorder (and possibly Bipolar Disorder), the process towards stopping basically being the bane of my own existence and building towards a meaningful life.

For the last half year I’ve been struggling upon building a new strong foundation again, but since my nervous breakdown it’s like building on sand. Nothing tends to stick for long. Since it happened I’m still feeling a bit lost; not having the motivation or having clear defined goals to work towards to (my previous goals don’t apply anymore), and a lot of defeatist behavior and self-doubt when I do. Also there are a lot of things that used to make sense, but don’t anymore. I hope that the Alpha set can at least bring forth a plateau on which I can rely on and start building up from there.

My goal in a nutshell is basically to work towards becoming a self-actualized person, that’s carefree and can choose to be non-reactive to outside stimuli, one that has control over its own emotions and can work through adverse conditions and facing them without being overwhelmed by negative immobilizing thoughts, and even if that would happen would get back on track quickly after again. One that isn’t focused on outcome but has the confidence in himself that whatever happens, he can handle it. I’ve already sort of been there already, so I know it’s a goal that’s attainable. I think the following quote describes it very well;

"Look to nothing, not even for a moment except to reason."
– Marcus Aurelius

Also something I should’ve done a long time ago is making the decision to just to burn my bridges behind me since it is clear that I’m incapable of sticking to only one subliminal at a time. So that's why I’ve kept one single copy of all my subliminals and deleted all other instances of them. The single copy I put on an external HDD and gave it to my sister who will keep it for the duration of ~6 months. The only program that still remains in my possession is Alpha Male 2011. Even if I will feel bouts of resistance or think an issue isn’t addressed properly, I just have to plow through it none the less. It won't be pleasant, but at least it this will prevent me from keeping myself stuck in this place.

I’m going with 35 days per stage, while listening to the program for 12 hours each day. My setup is using Logitech Z3e speakers (20 kHz) at night, and using earbuds Philips SHE4500 (23.5 kHz) during the day. The volume for earbuds will be at 25% - 40% to ensure that I don’t experience anymore hearing loss (I’m already at 15 kHz).

In the meantime I’ve been seeing a psychologist but I’ve got referred to another instance as she wasn’t qualified to effectively work with Body Dismorphic Disorder and I’m also presuming a form of Bipolar Disorder. So I’m guessing that after the first few intakes I’ll ask to also be placed in group therapy to work more towards feedback and assertiveness.

My intention is to post at least once within the period of a fortnight, unless stuff happens.

[Shannon]

35 days per stage doesn't seem like much more than the 32 days I designed it for, but everyone wants to do more than I designed it for, or not finish it at all, and sometimes that's counterproductive. I'm concerned that every time someone decides to disregard the instructions, we'll have more people decide to, and then we have all kinds of problems as people discover the hard way that hey - the instructions were that specific for a good reason. Meanwhile, because they didn't follow the instructions, they have problems that the program gets blamed for. Please follow the instructions, for the sake of my sanity.

[Jay]

Lol. To be perfectly honest, at first I wanted to make it 40 days a stage since I tend to support the irrational belief that 32 days doesn’t cut it for me, but for the sake of your sanity I’ll follow protocol and use the program as nature intended! :p Dammit.

Currently on day 3 of stage 1, don’t have that much to report except that I felt a sense of nausea and a sense of feeling trapped on the first day, also a slight sense of suddenly becoming emotionally overwhelmed (this only lasted about 5 minutes or so). The confidence I gained from ASC and a better sense of self-image through DAS does seem to die down very quickly, but I’ve had this before when I first started AM10 so I’ll just regard this as ‘normal’. I went on a small family trip yesterday and had the sense of not belonging and feeling very stiff and awkward when in social situations, also the thought that people wouldn’t accept me for my appearance came on pretty strong, and that I just better could just stay out of the way and not interfere (hide-mode). This was pretty different from a week ago, where I was more open and to the point and less reserved and didn’t have much negative thoughts revolving around my appearance.

Since yesterday I woke up more with a sense of empowerment and wanting to do something worthwhile but after an hour it starts to reside back to regular old passiveness. But I hope that this’ll tend to build up more and more.

I'm also glad that I've taken the precautions of deleting my other subliminals and starting this journal, normally I would have had a lot of negative thoughts bombarding me to change programs ("this program doesn't cut it for your problems and ailments, change it now to something better blah bla bla") after a few days, but now when one does tend to pop up I can't do that much about it. So I guess, problem solved.

[Jay]

I came to the realization today that in a sense everything is as it is, not as it should be. This concept does spread over a lot of different areas, but the more specific insight that I gathered was that after I wasn’t aware of a certain fact and made an error in judgment because of this. I quickly started to journey towards the thought “That’s so stupid, I should’ve known that!” But shortly after it hit me, I didn’t know. I couldn’t possibly have known, my current circumstances never led me towards the understanding of that fact. Until today. So in that situation, how could I act accordingly without the proper knowledge to do so? I couldn’t. Did I choose willfully to not know this? I wasn't aware of it, so there wasn't a decision to be made. And what’s the point in negating and shaming myself for this? Does it improve the situation, no. I already have learned what there was to learn from this situation and I won’t make the same mistake again. Also it’s not like people after shaming myself will go on patting me on the back saying “You shamed yourself wonderfully, son. By demeaning and robbing yourself of your self-esteem you showed yourself worthy of my (superior and everlasting) forgiveness for the things you couldn’t possibly know, but should’ve known.” It just doesn’t make sense.

There have been more realizations and changes due to the subliminals that I want to share here, I do have to confess that it's hard for me to be exact about them and being able to put them in words that do justice to the things that changed so far. But if all fails, I'll at least be able to summarize them.

[Jay]

Day 18

What’s probably one of the more notable breakthroughs is that my perception of my appearance has changed for the better, during DAS I already noticed that my perception had changed when I randomly stumbled upon a bunch of pictures of me that were taken in 2007-2009, and previously I absolutely hated looking at those. Instead of just seeing the inherent badness and ugliness I noticed that I was more focusing on the big picture instead of focusing and amplifying the flaws mainly, and I actually saw an average looking guy that looked a bit unhealthy and uncomfortable with himself. Also my hair and skin was a different story altogether, normally I would hate my hair(style) because I barely can get it in the position that I want to. In a few pictures I still remembered that I had a bad hair day on that day, and I was baffled to realize that it actually didn’t look bad. Also I have acne scars on my cheeks, and normally I would hate the way that light would fall onto that, but now I saw it more as a redeeming feature. Also the “holes” didn’t look as obvious as they used to. My nose normally would be an issue as well, I believe I have an Aquiline (roman/hook) nose, but it’s slightly crooked and I would hate it when look at the sides of my nose and face. I perceived it as the proportion or scale didn’t match up with the rest of my face. But while looking at the pictures it looked just plain normal.

I took confidence in the realization that I actually could look good in pictures now, but as I looked into the mirror I didn’t see that much difference. I actually received a few compliments during that period about my appearance (has barely happened at all in my life) I was milder towards my facial features, but not as much as I experienced with the photographs. I still could be I just presumed that this was a matter of time before that would turn around as well.

During the past week I noticed that most times I would look at myself in the mirror I could positively affirm that I truly looked good (I carefully even want to mention feeling sexy), even if I hadn’t done anything to myself. So this is going in the right direction. But I think it’s mood dependent, whenever I’m in a depressed or low mood my perception of myself also changes, and that’s when I’m prone on criticizing myself and focusing more negatively on my perceived flaws. But I’m glad that I’ve seen these changes so early on in the program and I hope that this will become balanced and congruent throughout the process.

In social situations I’m still very drawn back and introverted, this is mainly because I don’t socialize that much, and I barely leave the house (I’m still looking for more goals/excuses to leave the house). Although I care and think less about my appearance I still believe that people can perceive that there is something “weird” or off about my behavior or the things I might say (probably because of fear of rejection and conflict), also I notice that it’s hard to concentrate during social encounters, they also take a lot of energy. Since I lack experience I just don’t trust my ability in socializing and just try to keep myself out of as much as possible. I need to find something I can be passionate about, I’m focusing too much on the negative and on this condition I believe.

Tomorrow is the first of my two intake conversations with my new psychologist. My previous one didn’t have any experience with BDD or bipolar so I got redirected, just hope that I at least have some sort of click with this one, and that she can come up with some suitable solutions for this.

Other changes:

• Sensing more freedom towards decision making, less worry and doubt revolves around this;
  
• More control over my thoughts, my inner dialogue also has become a bit more milder;
  
• A little bit more prone on thinking for myself, and having more of a tendency to question things instead of just blatantly accepting them thinking that someone else is by definition more right than I am;
  
• More assertive, less prone to back down when I notice my boundaries being pushed or stepped on;
  
• Occasional spontaneous feelings of sadness rising up;
  
• While listening to the program, noticing a sensation in the front and occasionally in the back of my head, sometimes with a feeling of elation afterwards;
  
• Long winded and more negative dreams;
  
• Occasional strong urge to swim and work out;
  
• Generally a bit more calm, relaxed than before;
  
• A little bit less serious, more fun-loving than before;
  

[Jay]

My intake went well, my second one will be oncoming Tuesday. I think I'm in good hands this time.

When I meditated (Japa) yesterday I suddenly noticed a surge in the top of my head, I felt immediately more calm and spaced and it was like something was sucking me towards it. Lasted for about 7 seconds. My throat, chest felt lifted afterwards.

[Patti]

Good for you seeking out a psychologist a second time. I think it's not an easy task trying to find someone that fits. Happy to hear you feel good about this one! You sound like you're on a good road.

[Jay]

Thanks Pattie. The most prominent difference that I got with my new psychologist is that she was willing to ask me about things, and to go deeper into them. And to raise questions and become aware of the thoughts and beliefs that are instilled behind them. It was only the first intake, but the difference is definitely noticeable even from there. The old one that I had about 5-6 years ago was still a trainee, and I barely had a connection with her.

At the time I already struggled a lot with putting my thoughts and feelings into words, because at the time I didn't knew how to feel for myself. I got the impression that she wasn't taking me seriously or that she wasn't interested in hearing me speak, and it made it very difficult for me to express myself there, let alone be comfortable with myself, she jotted down a few notes, she made me talk but barely interacted, performed a few tests on me, she made statements in the direction that I could be autistic or had Asperger's syndrome. I checked this out myself, but there was very little my sister and I could identify with. I found it insulting. It also didn't help that she barely could remember my name and had the habit of looking often at the clock behind me. I became aware of the pattern that when the 42-43th minute was up, the session was over even if I was still talking or in a highly emotional state. We made a new appointment, and that was that.

I've had been there for almost a year, but I got more nervous each time I had to go there and I didn't see any progress. It didn't help that I already went to a few alternative "healers" (and social workers) before that, and although they were nice and came up with plenty of solutions, it didn't work or or I lacked the motivation to continue on taking the 'treatment' which in effect made me feel even more like a failure. Looking back to it from now, they had no clue how to help me and lacked even the basic tools on determining what my issues could possibly be. "Yes, you're still depressed because your father died four years ago. Yes, that's very sad. Yes, anxiety goes hand in hand with that one. Take these drops or these supplements, it did wonders on one person that I tried it on, turned her life around just like a drop of a hat". I may sound a bit cynical, but that's how I perceive it. On the basis of these experiences it instilled the belief in me that no one could help me, and that I was unfixable, or not worthy enough to be fixed.

So after almost a year I quit, I didn't believe that a different psychologist would handle my problems any differently, and I didn't had the courage to bring myself to confronting her about her behavior (because of the believe that I would hurt her, or make her feel inadequate...). I thought myself to be a hopeless cause and just rolled with it. I knew that at least I didn't have to deal with the anxiety of going to the psychologist anymore.

Looking back now, I can be thankful that I got through those years by myself and I'm glad to see that the things have changed, and that things don't necessarily have to be as I previously perceived them.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

It’s been a while, but I woke up this morning with a genuine feeling of calmness and positivity. I’m assuming that most ‘normal’ people (non-depressed) feel this all the time. It does also help that I wrote my reply to Patti after this.... I’m also starting to see a new pattern in my dreams; most dreams revolve around the theme of impossible people and situations that involve conflict. It also has been a while since I remembered any ‘nice’ dreams.

Although not related but nonetheless possibly interesting to note, what I’ve experienced when I still listened to Balance Your Brain Hemispheres is that the structure of my dreams changed. I’m very right-brained so normally my dreams would be small, non-interlinked (at least appeared so) chaotic stories but after I listened to BYBH it became different stories revolving around a single theme, this could be a certain surrounding, era, people, etc. My dreams became long, unwinding stories and I experienced them much more vividly than I would before. It also became much easier to remember the dreams, even hours after waking up. In case you’re a fan of dreaming, I can recommend it. I do have to say that I tried the program for over a month and the effects have worn a bit of in the meantime, so my dreams aren’t that vivid anymore and the storyline is now a compilation of tied around themes and random bits, but after AM I’ll probably go for that one, if it isn’t Stop and Reverse Hair Loss or Improve Your Grades and Study Habits.

I also came to the small realization that self-help books and tapes are nice and can be insightful, but if you’re not doing anything with it, it’s a waste of time because the information will dissolve eventually and will be overridden back by your old beliefs. Although this isn’t a profound insight, the difference is that although I understood this intelligently, my old patterns and ways (decisions) still permitted me to make me feel that I actually gained something from it. It doesn’t really. It’s the same ol’ dopamine mechanism that’s only distracting with temporary highs that don’t lead anywhere, and which don’t stick because you need more and more of them to reach the same effects. I hope this makes sense to you

After my nervous breakdown I tried to trace back the steps that led me to the insights I gathered from my past experiences and I tried to gather as much old information that led me to certain realizations or that I used to cultivate them. This to no avail, and with almost no a-ha moments. I think I hit my head plenty of times in the meantime and felt pretty much stuck on this one. It’s better to focus on just one, until you fully mastered this and have included this into your daily habits. And then proceed to the next, instead of just trying everything all at once. Trying all at once does give you a good perspective of what’s out there, but eventually you’ll have come to the point to choose what’s most suitable for you and stick with it.

I think I’ll leave it at a daily routine with only AM11, 30 minutes of Japa meditation, 20-30 minutes of mirror affirmations and to listen to one audiobook at least twice a week to engrain that message fully, and to keep my brain busy thinking on those subjects and from that paradigm.

My affirmations so far are (loosely translated from Dutch), these are the only ones that I currently can emote with and that have a sense of truth behind them that I can enlarge by repeating them:

• Everything is ok, everything is exactly as it should be;
  
• My life is becoming better and better each day;
  
• I love myself;
  
• I love myself truly for who I am;
  
• I am worthy to be loved and appreciated for who I am;
  
• I truly love and accept my face, my body, my eyes, my skin, my hair, my mouth, my nose, my teeth, my eyebrows;
  
• I’m great, I’m awesome (and more variations of this);
  
• I’m good enough, I’m wholly good enough;
  
• Whatever may arise in my life, I can handle it;
  
• I have great confidence in my knowledge, talents and abilities;
  
• I trust my knowledge, talents and abilities fully;
  

[Shannon]

Thanks Pattie. The most prominent difference that I got with my new psychologist is that she was willing to ask me about things, and to go deeper into them. And to raise questions and become aware of the thoughts and beliefs that are instilled behind them. It was only the first intake, but the difference is definitely noticeable even from there. The old one that I had about 5-6 years ago was still a trainee, and I barely had a connection with her.

At the time I already struggled a lot with putting my thoughts and feelings into words, because at the time I didn't knew how to feel for myself. I got the impression that she wasn't taking me seriously or that she wasn't interested in hearing me speak, and it made it very difficult for me to express myself there, let alone be comfortable with myself, she jotted down a few notes, she made me talk but barely interacted, performed a few tests on me, she made statements in the direction that I could be autistic or had Asperger's syndrome. I checked this out myself, but there was very little my sister and I could identify with. I found it insulting. It also didn't help that she barely could remember my name and had the habit of looking often at the clock behind me. I became aware of the pattern that when the 42-43th minute was up, the session was over even if I was still talking or in a highly emotional state. We made a new appointment, and that was that.

I've had been there for almost a year, but I got more nervous each time I had to go there and I didn't see any progress. It didn't help that I already went to a few alternative "healers" (and social workers) before that, and although they were nice and came up with plenty of solutions, it didn't work or or I lacked the motivation to continue on taking the 'treatment' which in effect made me feel even more like a failure. Looking back to it from now, they had no clue how to help me and lacked even the basic tools on determining what my issues could possibly be. "Yes, you're still depressed because your father died four years ago. Yes, that's very sad. Yes, anxiety goes hand in hand with that one. Take these drops or these supplements, it did wonders on one person that I tried it on, turned her life around just like a drop of a hat". I may sound a bit cynical, but that's how I perceive it. On the basis of these experiences it instilled the belief in me that no one could help me, and that I was unfixable, or not worthy enough to be fixed.

So after almost a year I quit, I didn't believe that a different psychologist would handle my problems any differently, and I didn't had the courage to bring myself to confronting her about her behavior (because of the believe that I would hurt her, or make her feel inadequate...). I thought myself to be a hopeless cause and just rolled with it. I knew that at least I didn't have to deal with the anxiety of going to the psychologist anymore.

Looking back now, I can be thankful that I got through those years by myself and I'm glad to see that the things have changed, and that things don't necessarily have to be as I previously perceived them.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

It’s been a while, but I woke up this morning with a genuine feeling of calmness and positivity. I’m assuming that most ‘normal’ people (non-depressed) feel this all the time. It does also help that I wrote my reply to Patti after this.... I’m also starting to see a new pattern in my dreams; most dreams revolve around the theme of impossible people and situations that involve conflict. It also has been a while since I remembered any ‘nice’ dreams.

Although not related but nonetheless possibly interesting to note, what I’ve experienced when I still listened to Balance Your Brain Hemispheres is that the structure of my dreams changed. I’m very right-brained so normally my dreams would be small, non-interlinked (at least appeared so) chaotic stories but after I listened to BYBH it became different stories revolving around a single theme, this could be a certain surrounding, era, people, etc. My dreams became long, unwinding stories and I experienced them much more vividly than I would before. It also became much easier to remember the dreams, even hours after waking up. In case you’re a fan of dreaming, I can recommend it. I do have to say that I tried the program for over a month and the effects have worn a bit of in the meantime, so my dreams aren’t that vivid anymore and the storyline is now a compilation of tied around themes and random bits, but after AM I’ll probably go for that one, if it isn’t Stop and Reverse Hair Loss or Improve Your Grades and Study Habits.

I also came to the small realization that self-help books and tapes are nice and can be insightful, but if you’re not doing anything with it, it’s a waste of time because the information will dissolve eventually and will be overridden back by your old beliefs. Although this isn’t a profound insight, the difference is that although I understood this intelligently, my old patterns and ways (decisions) still permitted me to make me feel that I actually gained something from it. It doesn’t really. It’s the same ol’ dopamine mechanism that’s only distracting with temporary highs that don’t lead anywhere, and which don’t stick because you need more and more of them to reach the same effects. I hope this makes sense to you

After my nervous breakdown I tried to trace back the steps that led me to the insights I gathered from my past experiences and I tried to gather as much old information that led me to certain realizations or that I used to cultivate them. This to no avail, and with almost no a-ha moments. I think I hit my head plenty of times in the meantime and felt pretty much stuck on this one. It’s better to focus on just one, until you fully mastered this and have included this into your daily habits. And then proceed to the next, instead of just trying everything all at once. Trying all at once does give you a good perspective of what’s out there, but eventually you’ll have come to the point to choose what’s most suitable for you and stick with it.

I think I’ll leave it at a daily routine with only AM11, 30 minutes of Japa meditation, 20-30 minutes of mirror affirmations and to listen to one audiobook at least twice a week to engrain that message fully, and to keep my brain busy thinking on those subjects and from that paradigm.

My affirmations so far are (loosely translated from Dutch), these are the only ones that I currently can emote with and that have a sense of truth behind them that I can enlarge by repeating them:

• Everything is ok, everything is exactly as it should be;
  
• My life is becoming better and better each day;
  
• I love myself;
  
• I love myself truly for who I am;
  
• I am worthy to be loved and appreciated for who I am;
  
• I truly love and accept my face, my body, my eyes, my skin, my hair, my mouth, my nose, my teeth, my eyebrows;
  
• I’m great, I’m awesome (and more variations of this);
  
• I’m good enough, I’m wholly good enough;
  
• Whatever may arise in my life, I can handle it;
  
• I have great confidence in my knowledge, talents and abilities;
  
• I trust my knowledge, talents and abilities fully;
  

Two points.

First, if you use a subliminal of Type B for the minimum amount of time (BYBH, 32 days) then yes, eventually it will probably fade. You have to use it longer than that for long term or permanent results. 32 days is designed to get it working and working well, not necessarily be an end-all, be-all. It is the minimum amount of time you should be using the program for in order to get your money's worth.

Second point is, some of your affirmations are not helping you, or could use a little boost. See below.

• Everything is ok, everything is exactly as it should be; [leads to stagnation and lack of motivation to change anything for the better. If you're using this for anti-anxiety, it's better to specifically attack the anxiety itself, such as "I now and forever more completely and successfully disconnect from any and all negative, useless anxiety.]
  
• My life is becoming better and better each day;
  
• I love myself;
  
• I love myself truly for who I am;
  
• I am worthy to be loved and appreciated for who I am;
  
• I truly love and accept my face, my body, my eyes, my skin, my hair, my mouth, my nose, my teeth, my eyebrows; [I truly love and accept all of myself, inside and outside]
  
• I’m great, I’m awesome (and more variations of this);
  
• I’m good enough, I’m wholly good enough; [I am more than good enough to deserve everything I want and need]
  
• Whatever may arise in my life, I can handle it; [I now know and accept that I can handle it]
  
• I have great confidence in my knowledge, talents and abilities;
  
• I trust my knowledge, talents and abilities fully;
  

Hope that helps.

[Jay]

With the first affirmation I never looked at it from that point of view, for me it’s more of a pointer towards accepting my current circumstances and that everything is as it should be, and that there isn’t any other way for it to have happened. I’ve used this one in the past to work on resentment and to stop wishing things were different as they were, and controlling external circumstances (while there was no actual way or need for me to control), and I found it to be one of my more powerful affirmations. But I see what you mean how it could cause stagnation and lack of change, so I’ll change that one into something else. I’m not using any affirmations regarding anxiety, but I think those that focus on confidence and trust would be adequate enough for that, because I want to focus more on my own confidence instead of feeling nervousness and anxiety in social situations, and the more energy I direct towards them the more strength it gains.

With the affirmation that addresses a number of body parts, I was wondering if it isn’t better to address each one instead of just using one word to address them all at once? I believe that taking it apart is more effective because of being more specific and giving attention to each of them. It also helps to see changes regarding perception towards each individual part. But perhaps I’m not realizing how literally the subconscious really is.

The “I’m good enough, I’m wholly good enough” I got from an old affirmation tape, and your suggestion covers more ground so I won’t mind replacing it.

I hope that I wasn’t giving the impression that I was expecting lasting results, but after reading it again I see that it could be interpreted that way. I’m aware that it takes about 90 days for long or permanent results and I regarded it more as a second tryout, and it wasn’t the only program I was using at the time.

Thanks for the help.

[Jay]

The last week has been a very strange and dark one, on Monday my mood suddenly dropped (were no changes in personal behaviors, situations, food, sleeping rhythm or anything I can detect that could’ve influenced myself so strongly) and I became very depressed, probably due to resistance. I had frequent thoughts of suicide (not something I intend to so, mind you) and for days it felt like my life was over, and I had no reason to continue going on. I felt a constant strong anxiety going through me that I could hardly control even with the help of meditation or breathing exercises, and when I left the house my thoughts were a haze, could barely concentrate on what people said to me. With people I could barely hold eye contact, just for a second. Emotionally I was also a wreck, I had so much difficulty on keeping myself together instead of bursting into tears. Hated my appearance, also everything seemed very unreal and distant to me (looked like signs of depersonalization and/or derealization to me). It felt like the whole world was against me, and I wasn’t some unwanted defunct part of it. On a lighter note it also didn’t help that my car kind of broke down this week, as I was heading to my appointment with my psychologist. One of the bobines broke, luckily it wasn't a serious problem.

Currently I feel a new sense of power in me and feel like I have a better, tougher shell, that I can handle situations better, but I’m not sure if this will stay at this rate. I feel more freedom towards myself, a bit more open and self-assured. But haven’t experienced this long enough to really go into it more deeply, since there were only a few situations where it really stood out. I’m glad this period is over, but on the other hand I would like as much resistance to $*#& me up, because I know it’s working through important issues, and clearing up unnecessary mental garbage. To be honest, I think I would benefit greatly if I did another 32 days of Stage 1, and then proceed onto the next stages as it was intended. But I know what Shannon response would be on this, so in a few days I’ll go onto Stage 2.

I also think I'll refrain from posting past traumatic events or at least go dig deep into them here, it's not my intention to possibly depress any readers with my &%*#. Although for me it helps to put it into words instead of feelings, I can do this some place else.

[Patti]

In my opinion, you should always journalize everything you feel when you’re going through major changes like you are. I think it’s helpful to look back and see how you’ve improved or not. When you post them here, I’m sure many of the guys can help you because they’ll probably understand what you’re going through.

I myself, don’t find your posts depressing and I’m interested in hearing your progress, so keep posting!

[Jay]

Thanks Pattie, that's really comforting to know. I've put some thought into what you said, and you're right. I think what I said stems from the (dysfunctional/neurotic) belief that everything has to appear as 'perfect' to the outside world, even though in reality it's not. And when I do feel worthy enough to express the more negative bits, guilt or feeling shameful tends to dwell up afterwards because I think I'll be rejected or ignored for it.

It reminds me a bit when I was still learning to drive, I was really reluctant to do more 'bold' actions like; breaking, giving and taking priority (not sure if this is the correct term) and looking in the "dead" zone. I think my behavior had to do with not appearing to do something obvious to other people, because if you do something or stand for something, it means that people can shame you for it. Especially when you don't feel certain enough that the actions you're actually taking are the correct way to go, and by default think that 'everything' you do on your own is per definition wrong.

I think I'll have to reinstate and focus on one of the basic values/rules I had before my nervous breakdown, which basically was to express myself accordingly to my thoughts and values, and if people disagree with me or my values hurt them they'll let me know. (Healthy/functional people that care for me or what I have to say will tell it to my face, and dysfunctional people that care for me or what I say will let it know in more indirect ways, or just talk about my 'appalling' behavior behind my back. And people that don't care, don't care.

What I was intending to mention with my driving lessons was that after a while I got a better perspective on when to break and when not to, which felt like a long and painstakingly process. And after learning it, I mentioned this to my teacher, and it kind of bummed me out when my teacher said "You could've just drove around, I would've stepped on the breaks irregardlessly".

I think that's the way, just drive around, experiment and when necessary a teacher will appear and will step on my breaks or tell me when it's ok to break. And I'll see for myself if it's also in my best interest if I want to break. And even when there's not a teacher I will blissfully ignorant of my ways.

Thanks for making me aware of this, and be assured I'll will not fret from depressing this place up as much as I can in my future posts.

[Shannon]

Just a note... "irregardless" is not a word. "Irregardlessly" is also not a word. It is a pet peeve of mine, though, as an English major. The word is regardless. He would have stepped on the brakes regardless. As in, without regard for your other actions. "Ir-" and "-less" are both negating the root word "regard", so you have a double negative and it not only sounds ridiculous but would mean the reverse of what you're trying to say if we did count it as a word. It also makes you sound uneducated. So please don't take offense to my statement here, but learn the right way and make your presentation to others better in the process. Believe me, it helps with the ladies and being taken seriously by men who have achieved higher levels of success and power.

As for more time on Stage 1, as I say, just run through the set as designed and then tun through it again if you like.