In this for the healing DMSI v3.1 A

[mat422]

I feel like I could write a novel here. You ever have so many thoughts and feelings up in your head, but no way to express it? I guess that's why I make music.

Anyway key points after having a processing night off the sub.

1. Validation. I wanted hot girls. That's it. I wanted attention from hot girls so I could feel better about myself. We all know how that works out. It occurred to me that I was focusing on the types of women I felt I should be attracting to be considered good with women or whatever. Thinking about it now it's ridiculous. I'd be thinking to myself, hey she's hot she needs to be attracted to me otherwise I'm a failure.

2. Being myself. I've realized I've had the wrong concept of what DMSI is supposed to be doing. I keep trying to kill myself metaphorically speaking. Like I got so frustrated with who I was that I kept going for this complete identity change. But in the process I threw out everything. The goal should be to incorporate DMSI into my authentic self, not try to build something entirely new from the ground up. I think the problem is that I have a poor representation of what being sexually attractive is having never really had first hand experience. Those stupid badboy stereotypes are all I have to go on really. And I don't have any desire to be like that.

I guess that's about it. I think with these subs it's always been me jumping from one over identification to another. E2 it was me being perfectly healed, AM it was becoming alpha, DMSI it's all about me being sexual. Holding my self worth in becoming something else instead of who I am as a person. On top of that I'd put others down in my own mind for not being as alpha, sexy, healed, whatever the fuck else my twisted mind could come up with. I mean thinking about it that's all I've done my entire life. For a while it was skateboarding, then drawing, then making music, then my job, etc. I can't remember the last time I was able to sit down and tell myself I'm worthwhile independent of all this stuff. I know as long as I hold those attachments, I'll be a slave to them and truly never be free.

As a side note I read recently that it actually takes 66 days to instill a new habit, not 32. It feels like I've been on DMSI forever, but I really haven't at all. To erase all the crap I've put into my head for years, I was probably a little overambitious and critical when I couldn't do a complete 180.

[mat422]

After agonizing over yet another mixdown with one of my tracks I've come to the conclusion that I overthink stuff too much and don't trust my own judgement. Where it comes from I don't know. But in a way it's very similar to ocd. I feel unsure about my decision or feel like something is "wrong" which triggers the anxiety. Then I go on a compulsive cycle of reading info or looking to the knowledge or opinions of others to get a "right" answer. The problem is there usually isn't one right answer. There aren't universal answers that guarantee certainty, unfortunately that seems to be what I look for all the damn time.

I think the perfectionism is strongly linked to my self worth. Believing my achievements and how well I do with something is a direct reflection of my worth as a person. I'd imagine that would be enough to cause me anxiety. But by not allowing myself to make mistakes and learn from them I never have the opportunity to grow. This really sucks.

[mat422]

Had a moment last night listening to the sub where I realized I hold myself back a lot. Telling myself I can't do something and basically instead of striving for success I become comfortable with failure. Where most people have goals and positivity, I have this defeated sort of attitude where I imagine me never achieving what I want in life and then being complacent with that as a way to avoid fear or failure. My mind is not calibrated for success at all, but I intend to change that. Even with my music, sometimes I'm afraid to be proud of my work so just label it all shit, this way nobody can crush me when they tell me it's not good.

I've been living my life so far as what's expected of me and I'm done with it. Climbing the career ladder, gaining status, fuck that. People dig themselves into holes financially and then need to get a higher paying job to make up for it in order to pay off their debts. I'm not down with trading my time for material goods. I'll drive a beater of a car, live off cheap meals, and cut needless expenses like smartphone bills if it means bringing me towards my goals. I'm not getting sucked into this rat race. The lifestyle I'm going for, surrounded by music, is criticized a lot by people. I HAVE to be strong enough to stand up to that and say no this is what I'm doing and I don't care what you think. I've had such low self esteem and confidence for so long that I barely held my own opinions in life. I'd just always assume people knew more than me and that I was just a stupid hopeless dreamer.

I've realized that a lot of the people I'm surrounded by aren't willing to make these sacrifices. Whether they don't have the passion I do or just don't feel the need. I don't judge if that's what makes them happy. But I am different and I see that now. And i know there are others out there like me so it's not that I'm special, but if your immediate circle isn't in alignment with your vision it can rub off on you.

[Superman]

Had a moment last night listening to the sub where I realized I hold myself back a lot. Telling myself I can't do something and basically instead of striving for success I become comfortable with failure. Where most people have goals and positivity, I have this defeated sort of attitude where I imagine me never achieving what I want in life and then being complacent with that as a way to avoid fear or failure. My mind is not calibrated for success at all, but I intend to change that.

I can really relate to that. My life started off great and then somewhere along the way I became afraid of success and kept sabotaging myself to be out of the spotlight, and away from judgement.

[mat422]

You know I think I've been screwing up because I keep telling myself that all this healing shouldn't be this rough. These past few days a lot has come up. I'll slip into moments of despair but tell myself it just needs to be healed and it will pass. I'm learning I really have to go through this stuff, not try to find ways to avoid it like I've been doing for most of my life. Getting in touch with how I really feel about things vs what I want to feel.

I kept getting these really bad feelings coming up and I thought it was just me resisting. But the resistance was actually my reluctance to processing these things and letting them go. Letting DMSI steer doesn't always feel good. Being too attached to things always going smoothly caused me to interfere with the execution of the script.

So nothing revolutionary here. But I guess from here on out I'm more willing to accept what DMSI presents me with instead of fighting it.

[mat422]

Nevermind, overthinking this stuff again. Emotional pain isn't necessary, long drawn out episodes of anxiety aren't necessary, in general healing should not be painful. I keep latching onto this idea that emotional pain has to be felt fully to be let go of. But I'm seeing now that emotional pain is just another reality, fueled by beliefs. If I feel like crap it's because I'm doing it to myself.

One really messed up thing I realized. A lot of the issues I'm trying to overcome are like a puzzle for me. Unfortunately the answer is facing the fear and leaving my comfort zone. But it seems my mind wasn't content with that so it ended up in an endless loop of running these same emotionally painful beliefs over and over trying to "fix" them. So I don't know if that helps Shannon or not, but it seems my problem wasn't necessarily the fear but how I dealt with it. Or maybe a bit of both.

[SargeMaximus]

Have you ever tried reading books by Tony Robbins or Brian Tracy Matt?

[dissonance]

I think healing isn't supposed to be a walk in the park either. If healing means facing and admitting your inner truths, then that means it would be potentially very painful to face and admit these things that you then acknowledge you must fix or change or whatever.

[mat422]

Have you ever tried reading books by Tony Robbins or Brian Tracy Matt?

Nah. To be honest I don't have the attention span. I stopped buying personal development books a while ago. It just turned into frustration because most of them just rehashed things I knew. The problem wasn't knowledge, it was an inability to put those things into practice. And most of that was just due to subconscious fear. I've found that the subliminals are enough really.

I'm willing to look into them though if you have any recommendations.

I think healing isn't supposed to be a walk in the park either. If healing means facing and admitting your inner truths, then that means it would be potentially very painful to face and admit these things that you then acknowledge you must fix or change or whatever.

True. I think what I was talking about in my last post was rumination, not healing. Something I have a really bad habit with. I have a tendency to slip up into these dark places and stay there as my mind plays over and over like a broken record player all the painful emotions and negative beliefs about myself.

[SargeMaximus]

Have you ever tried reading books by Tony Robbins or Brian Tracy Matt?

Nah. To be honest I don't have the attention span. I stopped buying personal development books a while ago. It just turned into frustration because most of them just rehashed things I knew. The problem wasn't knowledge, it was an inability to put those things into practice. And most of that was just due to subconscious fear. I've found that the subliminals are enough really. p

Fair enough.

I'm willing to look into them though if you have any recommendations.

I'll get back to you on that.

I'm reading one now that MAY be of some use.

[mat422]

Have you ever tried reading books by Tony Robbins or Brian Tracy Matt?

Nah. To be honest I don't have the attention span. I stopped buying personal development books a while ago. It just turned into frustration because most of them just rehashed things I knew. The problem wasn't knowledge, it was an inability to put those things into practice. And most of that was just due to subconscious fear. I've found that the subliminals are enough really. p

Fair enough.

I'm willing to look into them though if you have any recommendations.

I'll get back to you on that.

I'm reading ony now that MAY be of some use.

Alright cool. Definitely open to it. I just know I've read a lot of books in the past and thought to myself wow this is life changing. And it turns out I just got hyped over the idea of it being life changing than actually life changing.

But I trust your judgement seeing as how you're pretty good with weeding out the stuff that doesn't have much practical application.

[SargeMaximus]

Have you ever tried reading books by Tony Robbins or Brian Tracy Matt?

Nah. To be honest I don't have the attention span. I stopped buying personal development books a while ago. It just turned into frustration because most of them just rehashed things I knew. The problem wasn't knowledge, it was an inability to put those things into practice. And most of that was just due to subconscious fear. I've found that the subliminals are enough really. p

Fair enough.

I'm willing to look into them though if you have any recommendations.

I'll get back to you on that.

I'm reading ony now that MAY be of some use.

Alright cool. Definitely open to it. I just know I've read a lot of books in the past and thought to myself wow this is life changing. And it turns out I just got hyped over the idea of it being life changing than actually life changing.

But I trust your judgement seeing as how you're pretty good with weeding out the stuff that doesn't have much practical application.

Yeah man, it has to be practical and it has to work otherwise it's trash to me.

I give everything a fair shot. If it works as the authors say it should, it should work. Belief shouldn't be necessary.

Like gravity, you don't need to believe in gravity for it to work.

I'm the same. I only believe in things that don't require me to.

[mat422]

I think more and more the real issues are surfacing. I'm gonna have to eat my words with that last post. By trying to shove healing through yet another narrow viewpoint I've sabotaged myself. I'm trying to figure this out too much and that's where I'm messing up. Consciously intervening to cut things off when I feel it's getting too intense or scary for me.

This is how resistance manifests for me I guess. Overthinking, doubt, rumination, and trying to obtain control of a process that needs to be left alone. I'm not even gonna go into what real healing is because that's just another trap. I'm just gonna leave all this alone and try to focus on my life more instead of being so inwardly focused.

I know at the root of all this though is that fear of not being good enough that leaves me isolated and untrusting of others.

[mat422]

Yeah so I got to thinking about all this and how ridiculous my own life is. I've lived in such a limited way for so long I probably consider my behavior normal. But it's pretty abnormal. I don't meet new people, I don't go out, and I sure as hell don't meet women. But the thing is I just don't want to. Even when I do it's sort of this halfway feeling where it's alright but part of me just derives no pleasure from it. But I don't know. Maybe I am still afraid of too much crap. Maybe it's resistance. I'm just not a healthy person in any way. More and more I see how dysfunctional I am as a person and how much I refused to acknowledge it before.

It's just that at the core of all this is a stupid fear of opening up to anyone. And I try and try to tell myself it's alright and break down all the reasons I don't need to be afraid. But in the end it doesn't do anything and I'm incredibly frustrated at this point in my life. It feels like I'm constantly doing everything wrong or not trying hard enough. Which makes me even more anxious about opening up with people because I'm worried this stupid fear will ruin everything.

This is my biggest bottleneck. My interpersonal relationships suck. And it has nothing to do with social skills or charisma or any of that external stuff, it's just the fact I have an inability to be open enough with others about myself