12-31-2017, 03:15 PM
I'm getting this feeling of unease. Where I know a lot has to change in my life, but at the same time I'm overwhelmed at how much I have to improve. Not just myself, but my life in general. I know I'm resisting DMSI. Interestingly enough what I thought was execution was actually me trying to pull control away from my subconscious. To take things into my own hands and I guess try to selectively execute the programming? I can feel this back and forth thing going on. When I catch myself resisting I remind myself that this is what's causing my misery and I'll feel better if I just move forward.
This feeling of being pushed in a certain direction, but feeling unable to do it sucks big time. It's leaving me in this anxious, irritable, and confused state. Not being able to really relax and enjoy life, but at the same time not really making massive strides in any sort of direction.
No real resolution. Just doing my best to keep moving forward and constantly throw out my limiting beliefs that hold me back. I've realized it's not about avoiding negative thoughts and trying to get rid of them. That's an exercise in futility. It's about not giving them power. Along with that I've realized the amount of willpower I expend on a daily basis trying to hold back the flood of negative thoughts I experience is what has left me drained for a while now. Learning to look at these things from a more objective viewpoint and dissect them is a weak skill for me I have to develop more. To not have that knee jerk reaction that has me automatically accepting whatever negative thing I tell myself. I think what it really boils down to is learning to accept responsibility for my emotional states instead of seeing them as something that just happens and trying to wait it out instead of actively working on it. Understanding how I'm making myself feel bad, how I'm giving myself anxiety, how I'm preventing my own success instead of using my subconscious as a scapegoat and ruminating on how much it all sucks.
I'm looking back before my dmsi run and I was playing the victim role a lot. I wanted things in life and without even trying I gave up and just thought about killing myself. The world was evil, I wasn't made for it, blah blah blah. What I really want to know. What causes this lack of responsibility for ones own emotional state? To take up a sort of martyr complex and spitefully take on the role of being the lowest of the low, not even trying anything. Even going so far into emotional manipulation of others, mostly unconsciously, by making myself appear worse off than I actually was in life. Whenever someone tried to advise things that would pull me out of it all, I'd paint them as the bad guy in my head. I was so fucked up then. I want to go back in time and slap myself for the amount of time I constantly wasted just ruminating and pissing my life away.
This feeling of being pushed in a certain direction, but feeling unable to do it sucks big time. It's leaving me in this anxious, irritable, and confused state. Not being able to really relax and enjoy life, but at the same time not really making massive strides in any sort of direction.
No real resolution. Just doing my best to keep moving forward and constantly throw out my limiting beliefs that hold me back. I've realized it's not about avoiding negative thoughts and trying to get rid of them. That's an exercise in futility. It's about not giving them power. Along with that I've realized the amount of willpower I expend on a daily basis trying to hold back the flood of negative thoughts I experience is what has left me drained for a while now. Learning to look at these things from a more objective viewpoint and dissect them is a weak skill for me I have to develop more. To not have that knee jerk reaction that has me automatically accepting whatever negative thing I tell myself. I think what it really boils down to is learning to accept responsibility for my emotional states instead of seeing them as something that just happens and trying to wait it out instead of actively working on it. Understanding how I'm making myself feel bad, how I'm giving myself anxiety, how I'm preventing my own success instead of using my subconscious as a scapegoat and ruminating on how much it all sucks.
I'm looking back before my dmsi run and I was playing the victim role a lot. I wanted things in life and without even trying I gave up and just thought about killing myself. The world was evil, I wasn't made for it, blah blah blah. What I really want to know. What causes this lack of responsibility for ones own emotional state? To take up a sort of martyr complex and spitefully take on the role of being the lowest of the low, not even trying anything. Even going so far into emotional manipulation of others, mostly unconsciously, by making myself appear worse off than I actually was in life. Whenever someone tried to advise things that would pull me out of it all, I'd paint them as the bad guy in my head. I was so fucked up then. I want to go back in time and slap myself for the amount of time I constantly wasted just ruminating and pissing my life away.
INFP
