12-23-2017, 10:03 AM
My whole idea of healing and clearing is what has fucked me over, I realize that now. I keep trying to "let go" and let the subliminal work. And all I'm doing is waiting for the sub to do everything for me and magically appear at the end all fixed. I don't know if it's my conscious or parts of my subconscious, but it doesn't matter because all that matters is I make an effort to truly detach from all this shit in my life I'm holding onto. If that means actively fighting it and telling myself no and rejecting the horrible thoughts and feelings that come into my head so be it.
Another big mistake is thinking that once I was all healed and cleared I could never be negative again. Wrong. I can make myself experience anything if I choose to. So while I had up days I started getting worried how long they would last, maybe it was temporary, or that the negative would come crashing back in and I'd be back to square one. All a self-fulfilling prophecy. So when things didn't work out with a girl, instead of recognizing that as a little bump in the road it turned into a massive "I've never changed, I'm broken, DMSI doesn't work, subliminals don't work, it's hopeless, etc.". All self generated thoughts that pulled me back into old mentalities that I don't need to keep reinforcing.
The true test with all this is how I react to events that happen in my life while trying to reinforce these new beliefs. I did this with my job. Once I started feeling more confident with handling tasks and I started telling myself I could handle anything this job threw at me, I got challenged hard. Call me crazy, but it feels like leveling up but in real life. When I started believing I could handle more stuff, I got more stuff to challenge me. But it all fell apart in the past week when I started doubting myself again and getting emotionally torn up and all the old beliefs of how stupid and incapable I was came pouring back in.
The biggest flaw I'm trying to fix is these goddamn rumination spirals I get into. It happened to me yesterday. There was a small party for everyone at my job and all I could think is how I don't belong, how everyone is having fun, how I'm not social, how everyone thinks I'm the weird quiet one, etc. And it went on and on for the whole event. I get into these stupid loops and I miss out on opportunities. Playing out the isolated loner identity is getting really fucking old and I'm tired of it. Sometimes it's like I'm swallowed up by my emotions, like I'm pulled inward into this messed up vortex of negativity and self loathing. I truly don't get why I'm like this. I honestly think it's just how my mind works and I just need to be more mindful of not doing it.
On the plus side when I do completely flip this shit on it's head I think I'll be able to generate more uplifting positive thought patterns that are as strong as these negative ones. It's just a matter of overwriting these old ones and to not keep feeding them. But by far I think most of my issues with DMSI stem from the fact that I don't maintain my positive states enough and revert to old negative ways.
Another big mistake is thinking that once I was all healed and cleared I could never be negative again. Wrong. I can make myself experience anything if I choose to. So while I had up days I started getting worried how long they would last, maybe it was temporary, or that the negative would come crashing back in and I'd be back to square one. All a self-fulfilling prophecy. So when things didn't work out with a girl, instead of recognizing that as a little bump in the road it turned into a massive "I've never changed, I'm broken, DMSI doesn't work, subliminals don't work, it's hopeless, etc.". All self generated thoughts that pulled me back into old mentalities that I don't need to keep reinforcing.
The true test with all this is how I react to events that happen in my life while trying to reinforce these new beliefs. I did this with my job. Once I started feeling more confident with handling tasks and I started telling myself I could handle anything this job threw at me, I got challenged hard. Call me crazy, but it feels like leveling up but in real life. When I started believing I could handle more stuff, I got more stuff to challenge me. But it all fell apart in the past week when I started doubting myself again and getting emotionally torn up and all the old beliefs of how stupid and incapable I was came pouring back in.
The biggest flaw I'm trying to fix is these goddamn rumination spirals I get into. It happened to me yesterday. There was a small party for everyone at my job and all I could think is how I don't belong, how everyone is having fun, how I'm not social, how everyone thinks I'm the weird quiet one, etc. And it went on and on for the whole event. I get into these stupid loops and I miss out on opportunities. Playing out the isolated loner identity is getting really fucking old and I'm tired of it. Sometimes it's like I'm swallowed up by my emotions, like I'm pulled inward into this messed up vortex of negativity and self loathing. I truly don't get why I'm like this. I honestly think it's just how my mind works and I just need to be more mindful of not doing it.
On the plus side when I do completely flip this shit on it's head I think I'll be able to generate more uplifting positive thought patterns that are as strong as these negative ones. It's just a matter of overwriting these old ones and to not keep feeding them. But by far I think most of my issues with DMSI stem from the fact that I don't maintain my positive states enough and revert to old negative ways.
INFP
