12-21-2017, 04:41 PM
Some real ugliness coming out of me right now. My knee jerk reaction was to push it away, but then I realized I have to heal from this stuff. A lot of apathy, disconnection, anger, and sadness. Today I went from extreme feelings of rage, to deep sadness, then back to feeling good, then some serious anxiety. It feels like I'm continually pulling up repressed emotions and subtypes of myself that I've pushed away due to a desire to be "good".
This company I work for is good. Really nice people. Yet I feel really apathetic and disconnected from them. And I'd have a habit in the past of criticizing myself for not being more appreciative or grateful, but then I realized that was just shaming myself. I'm going through some stuff right now and it's rough. I think I have dealt with depression for a lot of my life and something most people don't get is it's not really the sadness that gets to you. It's the muted impact of positive stuff in your life. And when you have a pretty good life compared to others, yet still feel that empty feeling, it can make you feel incredibly guilty for not being able to appreciate what you have.
That's what I'm going through right now. I'm trying not to judge myself too harshly and I'm trying to maintain a handle on my work at my job. But today I just felt like leaving. Like I couldn't do it anymore. And the more I told myself I could, the more it felt like I was just trying to throw a bandaid over some deep emotional issues I've been neglecting. When I open myself up to this healing, really get in touch with how I'm feeling, things really turn upside down for me. And I want to just shut it off so I keep being productive or stable, but then I realize that doing that is like silently suffocating.
I've gotten really good at denying my own feelings and just doing what needs to be done. But that's no way to live life. And I don't know how efficient DMSI is supposed to be at healing, but it's really messy for me. And I seem to constantly cut off the healing too soon because I want the undesirable feelings to stop and get to the good stuff. It's quite similar to my perfectionist mentality actually. All or nothing. It's like when I see a goal or something is too far off, it's crippling and I'd rather not even try because I don't want to go through the parts where I'm not good enough.
Ironically it feels like now that I'm feeling worse, I'm feeling better? Like I can actually identify the feelings now and focus on letting them go. Whereas before it was like this constant pressure that just filled me with simultaneous feelings of rage, fear, and sadness. Just a big ball of messed up stuff that I didn't even know how to tackle so I just sank into a worse depression.
Maybe what I really needed was to validate my own feelings instead of swallowing them and trying to soldier on so much.
This company I work for is good. Really nice people. Yet I feel really apathetic and disconnected from them. And I'd have a habit in the past of criticizing myself for not being more appreciative or grateful, but then I realized that was just shaming myself. I'm going through some stuff right now and it's rough. I think I have dealt with depression for a lot of my life and something most people don't get is it's not really the sadness that gets to you. It's the muted impact of positive stuff in your life. And when you have a pretty good life compared to others, yet still feel that empty feeling, it can make you feel incredibly guilty for not being able to appreciate what you have.
That's what I'm going through right now. I'm trying not to judge myself too harshly and I'm trying to maintain a handle on my work at my job. But today I just felt like leaving. Like I couldn't do it anymore. And the more I told myself I could, the more it felt like I was just trying to throw a bandaid over some deep emotional issues I've been neglecting. When I open myself up to this healing, really get in touch with how I'm feeling, things really turn upside down for me. And I want to just shut it off so I keep being productive or stable, but then I realize that doing that is like silently suffocating.
I've gotten really good at denying my own feelings and just doing what needs to be done. But that's no way to live life. And I don't know how efficient DMSI is supposed to be at healing, but it's really messy for me. And I seem to constantly cut off the healing too soon because I want the undesirable feelings to stop and get to the good stuff. It's quite similar to my perfectionist mentality actually. All or nothing. It's like when I see a goal or something is too far off, it's crippling and I'd rather not even try because I don't want to go through the parts where I'm not good enough.
Ironically it feels like now that I'm feeling worse, I'm feeling better? Like I can actually identify the feelings now and focus on letting them go. Whereas before it was like this constant pressure that just filled me with simultaneous feelings of rage, fear, and sadness. Just a big ball of messed up stuff that I didn't even know how to tackle so I just sank into a worse depression.
Maybe what I really needed was to validate my own feelings instead of swallowing them and trying to soldier on so much.
INFP
