12-02-2017, 07:54 AM
Good stuff Kalmah. Definitely a lot to digest. That's very fitting with how I've lived my life, right down to being unlovable. You hit the nail on the head. It seems so simple when we really break it down, but it's amazing how we do this to ourselves for most our lives without even conscious awareness of it.
As an update it feels like I haven't posted about real progress in a while, so I'm stumbling upon things that are shifting my mindset. I've been going back to my earliest memories in childhood to see where things went wrong. Not with parents, just significant life events that could have effected me in some way that I haven't healed from. Instead of dwelling on how much pain it caused me I started talking to my inner child self. It's weird but I truly believe we have sub-selves within ourselves, all part of our vast inner world of our minds. Almost like a dream. You know how you meet dream characters? I think there are fragmented pieces of ourselves from our lives, embedded there sort of rehearsing old wounds that we don't heal from sometimes.
Anyway I had one memory of an art teacher being incredibly critical of my drawings as a kid. Though it wasn't music, I can see now how that criticism stunted my creativity and plagued me with the feeling of being afraid of getting things wrong. This has carried over into my music where I often felt it was a battle to express myself and create. I told my inner child art can't be wrong, it's expression and whatever you want it to be, then I told that miserable art teacher to get the hell out. I felt this liberating feeling. I've been studying music theory for a bit now along with mixing and I was getting so trapped in feeling like things had to be done a certain way. It was masking my creativity. I feel like I'm closer to making the music I want to, not bound by the constraints of genre or rules, making my own decisions and trusting them.
There was another one where I got punched in the throat as a kid. Kind of traumatic for me because it came out of nowhere. No instigation, nothing. The kid just thought it would be funny to turn around and hit me in the throat. As a rational adult I recognize everyone I meet is not going to punch me in the throat. But as that scared inner self I'm constantly afraid of people. I never thought much of this event, so I never worked on it or it attempted to heal it. I never thought it had any correlation to my anxiety. But it's clear now my irrational phobia of people wasn't really irrational at all to some part of my mind.
These are just two events that stuck out. I think there might be more in there I need to move on from. Also I noticed when I truly let go listening to the sub last night my body started going through this shaking response just like in the trauma release exercises I used to practice. It's like the body knows instinctually how to purge these things but too much conscious interference gets in the way.
As an update it feels like I haven't posted about real progress in a while, so I'm stumbling upon things that are shifting my mindset. I've been going back to my earliest memories in childhood to see where things went wrong. Not with parents, just significant life events that could have effected me in some way that I haven't healed from. Instead of dwelling on how much pain it caused me I started talking to my inner child self. It's weird but I truly believe we have sub-selves within ourselves, all part of our vast inner world of our minds. Almost like a dream. You know how you meet dream characters? I think there are fragmented pieces of ourselves from our lives, embedded there sort of rehearsing old wounds that we don't heal from sometimes.
Anyway I had one memory of an art teacher being incredibly critical of my drawings as a kid. Though it wasn't music, I can see now how that criticism stunted my creativity and plagued me with the feeling of being afraid of getting things wrong. This has carried over into my music where I often felt it was a battle to express myself and create. I told my inner child art can't be wrong, it's expression and whatever you want it to be, then I told that miserable art teacher to get the hell out. I felt this liberating feeling. I've been studying music theory for a bit now along with mixing and I was getting so trapped in feeling like things had to be done a certain way. It was masking my creativity. I feel like I'm closer to making the music I want to, not bound by the constraints of genre or rules, making my own decisions and trusting them.
There was another one where I got punched in the throat as a kid. Kind of traumatic for me because it came out of nowhere. No instigation, nothing. The kid just thought it would be funny to turn around and hit me in the throat. As a rational adult I recognize everyone I meet is not going to punch me in the throat. But as that scared inner self I'm constantly afraid of people. I never thought much of this event, so I never worked on it or it attempted to heal it. I never thought it had any correlation to my anxiety. But it's clear now my irrational phobia of people wasn't really irrational at all to some part of my mind.
These are just two events that stuck out. I think there might be more in there I need to move on from. Also I noticed when I truly let go listening to the sub last night my body started going through this shaking response just like in the trauma release exercises I used to practice. It's like the body knows instinctually how to purge these things but too much conscious interference gets in the way.
INFP
