11-08-2017, 04:51 AM
Had a moment last night listening to the sub where I realized I hold myself back a lot. Telling myself I can't do something and basically instead of striving for success I become comfortable with failure. Where most people have goals and positivity, I have this defeated sort of attitude where I imagine me never achieving what I want in life and then being complacent with that as a way to avoid fear or failure. My mind is not calibrated for success at all, but I intend to change that. Even with my music, sometimes I'm afraid to be proud of my work so just label it all shit, this way nobody can crush me when they tell me it's not good.
I've been living my life so far as what's expected of me and I'm done with it. Climbing the career ladder, gaining status, fuck that. People dig themselves into holes financially and then need to get a higher paying job to make up for it in order to pay off their debts. I'm not down with trading my time for material goods. I'll drive a beater of a car, live off cheap meals, and cut needless expenses like smartphone bills if it means bringing me towards my goals. I'm not getting sucked into this rat race. The lifestyle I'm going for, surrounded by music, is criticized a lot by people. I HAVE to be strong enough to stand up to that and say no this is what I'm doing and I don't care what you think. I've had such low self esteem and confidence for so long that I barely held my own opinions in life. I'd just always assume people knew more than me and that I was just a stupid hopeless dreamer.
I've realized that a lot of the people I'm surrounded by aren't willing to make these sacrifices. Whether they don't have the passion I do or just don't feel the need. I don't judge if that's what makes them happy. But I am different and I see that now. And i know there are others out there like me so it's not that I'm special, but if your immediate circle isn't in alignment with your vision it can rub off on you.
I've been living my life so far as what's expected of me and I'm done with it. Climbing the career ladder, gaining status, fuck that. People dig themselves into holes financially and then need to get a higher paying job to make up for it in order to pay off their debts. I'm not down with trading my time for material goods. I'll drive a beater of a car, live off cheap meals, and cut needless expenses like smartphone bills if it means bringing me towards my goals. I'm not getting sucked into this rat race. The lifestyle I'm going for, surrounded by music, is criticized a lot by people. I HAVE to be strong enough to stand up to that and say no this is what I'm doing and I don't care what you think. I've had such low self esteem and confidence for so long that I barely held my own opinions in life. I'd just always assume people knew more than me and that I was just a stupid hopeless dreamer.
I've realized that a lot of the people I'm surrounded by aren't willing to make these sacrifices. Whether they don't have the passion I do or just don't feel the need. I don't judge if that's what makes them happy. But I am different and I see that now. And i know there are others out there like me so it's not that I'm special, but if your immediate circle isn't in alignment with your vision it can rub off on you.
INFP
