11-04-2017, 06:31 AM
Scaling back to two loops. Interestingly enough I though I was making more progress on 4 loops, but quite the opposite actually. I'd throw myself into my music, didn't eat right, and would isolate myself. Also incredibly irritable. There's progress and then there's an illusion of progress.
I can't understand all the workings of my mind but it's like I've got two very different parts. One part pushes and pushes, saying if I just keep pushing I'll have that breakthrough. Another part pulls back. The more one pushes, the more the other pulls away. On 4 loops I noticed emotional suppression actually got worse. I thought it was me "letting go". I've realized I don't actually have as much ability of letting go of emotions as I'd desire. In fact most of the time I'm pretty sure it's repression or avoidance and I convince myself I've let it go when I haven't.
So tonight I'm taking off and letting my mind rest. Then I'm sticking to 2 loops from here on out. I've wavered back and forth with this a lot, but I've come to the conclusion that more doesn't equal better. In fact it can trigger even more resistance and cause me to sabotage myself than if I stuck to two loops and took things at a tolerable pace. I don't know, maybe 2 loops hit me so hard that it spooked my subconscious so it decided 4 loops was a good idea to get me to overprocess and effectively render the sub null. Who the hell knows.
I can't understand all the workings of my mind but it's like I've got two very different parts. One part pushes and pushes, saying if I just keep pushing I'll have that breakthrough. Another part pulls back. The more one pushes, the more the other pulls away. On 4 loops I noticed emotional suppression actually got worse. I thought it was me "letting go". I've realized I don't actually have as much ability of letting go of emotions as I'd desire. In fact most of the time I'm pretty sure it's repression or avoidance and I convince myself I've let it go when I haven't.
So tonight I'm taking off and letting my mind rest. Then I'm sticking to 2 loops from here on out. I've wavered back and forth with this a lot, but I've come to the conclusion that more doesn't equal better. In fact it can trigger even more resistance and cause me to sabotage myself than if I stuck to two loops and took things at a tolerable pace. I don't know, maybe 2 loops hit me so hard that it spooked my subconscious so it decided 4 loops was a good idea to get me to overprocess and effectively render the sub null. Who the hell knows.
INFP
