10-14-2017, 05:28 PM
Holy shit, did I take a nose dive today. But that's probably because I was drinking coffee during the week and then I had 2 cups of it today. I'm not saying coffee is bad for you, but for me it causes some weird stuff. My joints will start hurting, I'll have trouble concentrating, I'll get really cold, low circulation, and of course major depression. And I'm sure the fact that it ruins the state shifting doesn't help. But what can I say? I like the focus I get from caffeine because it helps me focus on shit I don't care about. Otherwise I'll fall asleep attempting anything.
So basically today I found out my car repair was going to cost me an extra 90 dollars on what I anticipated. Alright, whatever. But then I went home to work on some music and nothing was working. Like full on absolutely hating everything I created. It was so bad I was contemplating just quitting all this shit and from there I just wanted to kill myself. Right now even with a full time job, I'm feeling stressed because I hate the routine of it all. On top of it all I've been researching all about upward progression for this type of job and apparently people in my line of work are treated like shit. Specifically by corporate dickheads who think they know more about technology than they do and just abuse their IT workers because they think the shit is easy.
For now I'm just going to stay in this job for at least a year or two. That is if I even make it past the probationary 90 day period. Who knows, maybe they won't even want to hire me. But goddamn is it soul crushing when you think you've figured out a way to improve your life and it turns out it's just another fucking hole you've dug yourself into.
One things for certain, I'm increasingly annoyed when people try to coerce me into settling or taking some kind of safe route. I mean I'm not going out there and really taking risks, but at the same time that whole safe mentality irritates the crap out of me and seems like enslavement almost. Yeah you have stability, but are you happy? None of this shit matters if you aren't happy.
So yeah things went south today, but I'm recovering from it. I tell myself it'll pass and to not hold onto it. Made some headway with the music and broke through into something I liked. Still find it incredibly difficult to finish stuff though. And the reason I've realized is that I just second guess myself all the time and I'm worried it's not complex enough or pushing boundaries or original enough, or any number of stupid thoughts that make me insecure about what I'm making. So it just goes full circle back to being a perfectionist and being too hard on myself.
Just want some goddamn freedom in my own life. I'm sick of feeling like I'm in some kind of prison and not actually living.
So basically today I found out my car repair was going to cost me an extra 90 dollars on what I anticipated. Alright, whatever. But then I went home to work on some music and nothing was working. Like full on absolutely hating everything I created. It was so bad I was contemplating just quitting all this shit and from there I just wanted to kill myself. Right now even with a full time job, I'm feeling stressed because I hate the routine of it all. On top of it all I've been researching all about upward progression for this type of job and apparently people in my line of work are treated like shit. Specifically by corporate dickheads who think they know more about technology than they do and just abuse their IT workers because they think the shit is easy.
For now I'm just going to stay in this job for at least a year or two. That is if I even make it past the probationary 90 day period. Who knows, maybe they won't even want to hire me. But goddamn is it soul crushing when you think you've figured out a way to improve your life and it turns out it's just another fucking hole you've dug yourself into.
One things for certain, I'm increasingly annoyed when people try to coerce me into settling or taking some kind of safe route. I mean I'm not going out there and really taking risks, but at the same time that whole safe mentality irritates the crap out of me and seems like enslavement almost. Yeah you have stability, but are you happy? None of this shit matters if you aren't happy.
So yeah things went south today, but I'm recovering from it. I tell myself it'll pass and to not hold onto it. Made some headway with the music and broke through into something I liked. Still find it incredibly difficult to finish stuff though. And the reason I've realized is that I just second guess myself all the time and I'm worried it's not complex enough or pushing boundaries or original enough, or any number of stupid thoughts that make me insecure about what I'm making. So it just goes full circle back to being a perfectionist and being too hard on myself.
Just want some goddamn freedom in my own life. I'm sick of feeling like I'm in some kind of prison and not actually living.
INFP
