08-14-2017, 07:44 AM
Lol, knew that one was coming.
So it seems like my idea of moving over to the "darker" side is more of a exaggerated term for what most would call assertiveness and self respect. I've swung so far to the relaxed easygoing passive side that I can't even tell anymore. In the end it's all about balance anyway.
With that I had a brief period of time where I was aggressive and more guarded. Felt like I was ready to go off on anyone that crossed me the wrong way. But then I really analyzed what I was feeling and it was just a response to fear. I still worried what others thought about me and I was covering that up with an attitude of being overly aggressive. It goes back to knowing that I have the control and people don't make me feel a certain way. Being overly aggressive or attempting to be more dominant to control the response of others because I'm too afraid of them is just as bad as being weak and taking people's crap. Both imply that people have more power over me than I have over my own mind. Internal locus of control, that's what it's all about.
Also realized I put myself down a lot before others can reject me as a sort of defense mechanism. Like presenting myself as a messed up individual instead of highlighting my positive traits. I wondered why I did this for years, even went so far as to claim it was me being more "authentic". But in reality it was just another manifestation of the fear I have with people rejecting me or opening up.
The negative voice in my head isn't a separate entity, it's me. And I'm the one whipping myself in the back 24/7, so I can stop doing that. It's not a power struggle between positive and negative. I don't have to "win" and beat the negative. I just need to stop. Heightened self esteem is great, but I think if it's used in a way to avoid the negative it's just another coping mechanism. The hardest lesson I've been learning because I've lived without it for years is self compassion for myself. Erasing that habit of beating myself up, criticizing myself, and stunting my own growth. Even when I ran these subs I kept thinking to myself "the subliminal will give me more self compassion and respect for myself, I just have to keep going and one day it'll happen". Nope, I have to make the change and start thinking better about myself and a lot of that resistance came from not believing I was worthy of thinking better of myself. The sub has been pushing for it, but my conscious mind has been rejecting it at every opportunity. It feels like that's going to finally change for me as I accept my responsibility to make these positive changes in my own life vs waiting for the sub to do it and override the resistance.
So it seems like my idea of moving over to the "darker" side is more of a exaggerated term for what most would call assertiveness and self respect. I've swung so far to the relaxed easygoing passive side that I can't even tell anymore. In the end it's all about balance anyway.
With that I had a brief period of time where I was aggressive and more guarded. Felt like I was ready to go off on anyone that crossed me the wrong way. But then I really analyzed what I was feeling and it was just a response to fear. I still worried what others thought about me and I was covering that up with an attitude of being overly aggressive. It goes back to knowing that I have the control and people don't make me feel a certain way. Being overly aggressive or attempting to be more dominant to control the response of others because I'm too afraid of them is just as bad as being weak and taking people's crap. Both imply that people have more power over me than I have over my own mind. Internal locus of control, that's what it's all about.
Also realized I put myself down a lot before others can reject me as a sort of defense mechanism. Like presenting myself as a messed up individual instead of highlighting my positive traits. I wondered why I did this for years, even went so far as to claim it was me being more "authentic". But in reality it was just another manifestation of the fear I have with people rejecting me or opening up.
The negative voice in my head isn't a separate entity, it's me. And I'm the one whipping myself in the back 24/7, so I can stop doing that. It's not a power struggle between positive and negative. I don't have to "win" and beat the negative. I just need to stop. Heightened self esteem is great, but I think if it's used in a way to avoid the negative it's just another coping mechanism. The hardest lesson I've been learning because I've lived without it for years is self compassion for myself. Erasing that habit of beating myself up, criticizing myself, and stunting my own growth. Even when I ran these subs I kept thinking to myself "the subliminal will give me more self compassion and respect for myself, I just have to keep going and one day it'll happen". Nope, I have to make the change and start thinking better about myself and a lot of that resistance came from not believing I was worthy of thinking better of myself. The sub has been pushing for it, but my conscious mind has been rejecting it at every opportunity. It feels like that's going to finally change for me as I accept my responsibility to make these positive changes in my own life vs waiting for the sub to do it and override the resistance.
