08-13-2017, 09:01 AM
More insight. Don't know how much this will help out Shannon or not in the future, but I think I have some unique challenges when it comes to these sublminals that might aid others.
If anyone's read up on enneagram, I'm a 9. Basically I'm a seeker of harmony above all else. That's my internal value system. However, it has a tendency to go haywire and I seek harmony as a way to avoid confrontation or unpleasantness. I think this has been happening with things like fear, guilt, and shame about myself. A sort of stockholm syndrome thing going on where I don't want to rid myself of them because that implies destruction or lack of harmony, so I remain a prisoner to them. It's not that I've been afraid to remove these things, rather internally I feel it's "wrong" and goes against some internal code of mine. However irrational that seems, I tend to be guided by that.
In particular I was reading the script for OGSF and words like reject and destroy seemed to trigger resistance within my body. I feel like that points towards a need to start accepting more assertiveness and non-harmonious behavior. But I noticed this harmonious nature has led me to be far too accepting of others opinions of me, so I'm putting a stop to it. There needs to be more balance in myself and if I lean on the more aggressive confrontational side for a few months to internalize the strengths I need, I'm ok with that. I'm to the point where I'd rather have people call me a jerk than try to take advantage of me. I get depressed a lot by the behavior of others in all honesty and I hate living in a world like this at times, but it's my responsibility to be strong enough to stand up to it otherwise I have no control and I'll be at the mercy of the more awful people of this world.
In a way my internal negative dialogue is a lot like how I'm too willing to accept the mistreatment from other people. I'd go along with it instead of telling it off because I was too focused on maintaining this false sense of harmony. A bit like an abusive relationship really. Moving towards my "darker" side seems like it's going to yield the most growth for me and I've been avoiding it. In general I need to move away from this obsession with harmony and be more of myself, have my own opinions, live my own life, and to just stop compromising all the damn time.
If anyone's read up on enneagram, I'm a 9. Basically I'm a seeker of harmony above all else. That's my internal value system. However, it has a tendency to go haywire and I seek harmony as a way to avoid confrontation or unpleasantness. I think this has been happening with things like fear, guilt, and shame about myself. A sort of stockholm syndrome thing going on where I don't want to rid myself of them because that implies destruction or lack of harmony, so I remain a prisoner to them. It's not that I've been afraid to remove these things, rather internally I feel it's "wrong" and goes against some internal code of mine. However irrational that seems, I tend to be guided by that.
In particular I was reading the script for OGSF and words like reject and destroy seemed to trigger resistance within my body. I feel like that points towards a need to start accepting more assertiveness and non-harmonious behavior. But I noticed this harmonious nature has led me to be far too accepting of others opinions of me, so I'm putting a stop to it. There needs to be more balance in myself and if I lean on the more aggressive confrontational side for a few months to internalize the strengths I need, I'm ok with that. I'm to the point where I'd rather have people call me a jerk than try to take advantage of me. I get depressed a lot by the behavior of others in all honesty and I hate living in a world like this at times, but it's my responsibility to be strong enough to stand up to it otherwise I have no control and I'll be at the mercy of the more awful people of this world.
In a way my internal negative dialogue is a lot like how I'm too willing to accept the mistreatment from other people. I'd go along with it instead of telling it off because I was too focused on maintaining this false sense of harmony. A bit like an abusive relationship really. Moving towards my "darker" side seems like it's going to yield the most growth for me and I've been avoiding it. In general I need to move away from this obsession with harmony and be more of myself, have my own opinions, live my own life, and to just stop compromising all the damn time.
