08-11-2017, 09:33 AM
(08-10-2017, 01:28 PM)thor2014 Wrote: Matt I am enjoying reading your journals. Lots of juicy feedback for Shannon great work !. Plus you are very descriptive.
Thanks. They can get a bit chaotic at times, but I'm glad you get something out of them.
So resistance. Resistance really sucks when you're resisting and don't even realize it. And that's been me these past few days. Seems like my primary mode of resisting is dissociating. I can't describe it all that well, but it's like this ability to pull back from everything and disconnect. I guess that would be stonewalling? Don't really know. I'm going to try to be more mindful of this from now on. It's hard because it's not external behavior, so it's very easy to lose track of it and slip up. All I know is when I am executing the script I get strong feelings of fear coming up and this compulsion to just shut myself out from the world. I notice my body tenses up as well, like physically I'm trying to escape.
I think I need to try harder to blast through the fear instead of taking it easy. Seems like whenever I take it too easy on myself it's too simple to fall into avoidant behavior. Every ounce of me feels like it's trying to run away but I can't give into it. Still waiting for that moment when I get past all this and I don't have to be so vigilant about watching my avoidant behavior.
