08-04-2017, 07:40 AM
Thinking about all my issues I got to thinking about computer viruses. And this stuck out to me.
Can anyone else relate to that with regards to their subliminal usage? Feels like whenever I'm homing in on an issue another one pops up, but it's not the real issue and it's more like a distraction to shell off the source.
Lately I'm wondering, what the hell are my ACTUAL problems? I've known I've always had this internalized phobia of people. Then I started thinking maybe I'm afraid because I don't like myself and I'm afraid that they'll see that? But now I'm wondering if that was just a distraction to lead me on a neverending quest to "heal myself" in order to avoid the fear. What if the real problem this whole time is really just the fear? As irrational as it sounds, that fear of people is just there and I have to deal with that. There is no background or underlying belief structure to it. I just happened to be conditioned as a child to be afraid of people I guess through unfavorable circumstances or life situations.
I mean maybe it's that simple. Just this fear at the heart of the issue and all these self esteem problems were constructed to wall me off from other people. Take out the fear and those other beliefs might topple too.
I don't know anymore, I really don't. I can barely trust my own judgement when it comes to this stuff. All I know is it seems like when my life gains a bit of momentum I hit this fear like a raw nerve and my mind aborts and throws all kinds of shit my way. I can't keep battling like this my entire life because it gets me nowhere.
Quote:In computer terminology, polymorphic code is code that uses a polymorphic engine to mutate while keeping the original algorithm intact. That is, the code changes itself each time it runs, but the function of the code (its semantics) will not change at all. For example, 1+3 and 6-2 both achieve the same result while using different values and operations. This technique is sometimes used by computer viruses, shellcodes and computer worms to hide their presence.[1]
Can anyone else relate to that with regards to their subliminal usage? Feels like whenever I'm homing in on an issue another one pops up, but it's not the real issue and it's more like a distraction to shell off the source.
Lately I'm wondering, what the hell are my ACTUAL problems? I've known I've always had this internalized phobia of people. Then I started thinking maybe I'm afraid because I don't like myself and I'm afraid that they'll see that? But now I'm wondering if that was just a distraction to lead me on a neverending quest to "heal myself" in order to avoid the fear. What if the real problem this whole time is really just the fear? As irrational as it sounds, that fear of people is just there and I have to deal with that. There is no background or underlying belief structure to it. I just happened to be conditioned as a child to be afraid of people I guess through unfavorable circumstances or life situations.
I mean maybe it's that simple. Just this fear at the heart of the issue and all these self esteem problems were constructed to wall me off from other people. Take out the fear and those other beliefs might topple too.
I don't know anymore, I really don't. I can barely trust my own judgement when it comes to this stuff. All I know is it seems like when my life gains a bit of momentum I hit this fear like a raw nerve and my mind aborts and throws all kinds of shit my way. I can't keep battling like this my entire life because it gets me nowhere.
