07-18-2017, 04:42 PM
Had a bit of a vent earlier today. It was weird, I was driving in my car and I just felt like crap. So I just started talking to myself out loud. I probably looked insane lol.
I'm not gonna detail the whole thing, but the gist of it was that I'm trying too hard to do all this shit right. I assume there's a superior or right way to heal. Confident one day, miserable the next, immediate thought is what did I do wrong? Maybe I didn't do anything wrong, maybe I just need to accept I'm a goddamn human being and I'm not perfect. More than half of my misery comes from trying to micro-manage my own emotional state. When I'm upset or negative I just obsess on how I shouldn't be feeling that, how I'm better than that, how I'm running subliminals and how my mind should be some kind of peak performance machine by now. I've been trying to escape everything that makes a person human in pursuit of being perfect. I just don't understand how I can be so afraid of being the very thing that I am.
With that I realized DMSI has been touching on the core issue that's plagued me my entire life. I feel all kinds of messed up right now but I'm not going to try to avoid it or deny it. So screw doing this the right way or the higher spiritual way, I'm just gonna be a mess of a person for as long as it takes to pick up the pieces again and return as someone stronger. Until then no more hiding.
I'm not gonna detail the whole thing, but the gist of it was that I'm trying too hard to do all this shit right. I assume there's a superior or right way to heal. Confident one day, miserable the next, immediate thought is what did I do wrong? Maybe I didn't do anything wrong, maybe I just need to accept I'm a goddamn human being and I'm not perfect. More than half of my misery comes from trying to micro-manage my own emotional state. When I'm upset or negative I just obsess on how I shouldn't be feeling that, how I'm better than that, how I'm running subliminals and how my mind should be some kind of peak performance machine by now. I've been trying to escape everything that makes a person human in pursuit of being perfect. I just don't understand how I can be so afraid of being the very thing that I am.
With that I realized DMSI has been touching on the core issue that's plagued me my entire life. I feel all kinds of messed up right now but I'm not going to try to avoid it or deny it. So screw doing this the right way or the higher spiritual way, I'm just gonna be a mess of a person for as long as it takes to pick up the pieces again and return as someone stronger. Until then no more hiding.
