07-18-2017, 05:40 AM
I have to laugh at myself, I really do. I'm unhappy in life, yet I don't do anything to fix it. This isn't about outward action either, I mean my mindset and beliefs. I'm trying to create a whole new way of living while still holding onto the old way. It's like repeatedly walking into a wall when there's a door right next me. Someone is like "uh hey buddy, just use the door" and I'm like "nah this'll work, it's just gonna take some time".
I feel really dumb, but this whole time waiting for these subs to miraculously change things was just a way to procrastinate or avoid it, and I didn't even catch it. In my mind I was like, ok I have to heal completely then everything will fall into place. Gotta get a job, oh wait there's those self worth issues, have to fix those before I can be employed. Let's talk to women, nah I'm still anxious they'll feel that and reject me let's solve that too. At this point in my life I'm not sure if I'll ever be 100 percent secure in myself or if I'll always be a little neurotic, but one thing is for damn sure putting my life on hold until I figure out a way to solve everything internally is just going to be a disaster. This striving for perfection has felt like a sick joke to me and I'm done with it.
For years I thought I was being all insightful, prepared, ahead of the curve, I even had adults tell me when I was younger that I had so much insight and wisdom that would put me ahead of everyone else. And maybe I did, but it was a double edged sword. For all the positive things I discovered there was a negative as well. Unfortunately for me due to an excessive amount of fear I gave more weight to the negative instead of the positive so I shaped my whole life around avoiding potential failure rather than striving for success.
I feel really dumb, but this whole time waiting for these subs to miraculously change things was just a way to procrastinate or avoid it, and I didn't even catch it. In my mind I was like, ok I have to heal completely then everything will fall into place. Gotta get a job, oh wait there's those self worth issues, have to fix those before I can be employed. Let's talk to women, nah I'm still anxious they'll feel that and reject me let's solve that too. At this point in my life I'm not sure if I'll ever be 100 percent secure in myself or if I'll always be a little neurotic, but one thing is for damn sure putting my life on hold until I figure out a way to solve everything internally is just going to be a disaster. This striving for perfection has felt like a sick joke to me and I'm done with it.
For years I thought I was being all insightful, prepared, ahead of the curve, I even had adults tell me when I was younger that I had so much insight and wisdom that would put me ahead of everyone else. And maybe I did, but it was a double edged sword. For all the positive things I discovered there was a negative as well. Unfortunately for me due to an excessive amount of fear I gave more weight to the negative instead of the positive so I shaped my whole life around avoiding potential failure rather than striving for success.
