07-14-2017, 07:45 AM
Going back to two loops was the right call. Starting to wonder if the 4 loops was an attempt at self sabotage. I'll probably stick exclusively with 2 loops as I don't think I need anything more.
After my depressive episode I started thinking more about how I can make it in this world. I used to think that I had an aversion to so many jobs because it wasn't a passion. But now I see the true underlying reason is fear. Fear of mistakes, failure, fear of not measuring up to the smart label I've gotten all my life, fear of criticism, etc. The reasoning of it not being my passion was just a clever resistance tactic to make me believe something better was out there, but it got to a point where my focus narrowed so much and I cut off all possibilities. And after I did that it was like this paralyzing feeling of having nowhere to go, nothing to do, every decision felt wrong. So instead of deciding on something and going for it I just collapsed inward on myself and fell apart.
This is the point where I'm seeing what's been hidden from me. And I'm realizing that a lot of this was inaccessible to me or every time I stumbled upon it it was quickly masked with something else. Part of me is grateful for what DMSI is doing and this tech and another part of me is thinking where the hell I would be right now if not for the subs. Seriously, it's scary to think what my life would be without them.
After my depressive episode I started thinking more about how I can make it in this world. I used to think that I had an aversion to so many jobs because it wasn't a passion. But now I see the true underlying reason is fear. Fear of mistakes, failure, fear of not measuring up to the smart label I've gotten all my life, fear of criticism, etc. The reasoning of it not being my passion was just a clever resistance tactic to make me believe something better was out there, but it got to a point where my focus narrowed so much and I cut off all possibilities. And after I did that it was like this paralyzing feeling of having nowhere to go, nothing to do, every decision felt wrong. So instead of deciding on something and going for it I just collapsed inward on myself and fell apart.
This is the point where I'm seeing what's been hidden from me. And I'm realizing that a lot of this was inaccessible to me or every time I stumbled upon it it was quickly masked with something else. Part of me is grateful for what DMSI is doing and this tech and another part of me is thinking where the hell I would be right now if not for the subs. Seriously, it's scary to think what my life would be without them.
