Went to sleep last night and had trouble getting asleep. Also had what appeared to be a mini panic attack. Seems like when I stopped with the busy day my mind focused more on the emotional healing and brought some stuff up. A lot of it had to do with being closed off to everyone around me. It's safe, sure, but it's no way to live life. Feels like my heart is cold. My attention is being brought more towards stuff I need to heal and acknowledge. Stuff that I've been telling myself for years wasn't really there but it was. I often feel alone and misunderstood, but it's really all my doing. I don't put myself out there and I don't share myself with the world. Instead I hide behind a bubble just observing it, but not really being in it.
Maybe it took DMSI to really start being aware of these protective barriers I put up. Prior to this I'd just shrug it off and think I was being dramatic. Maybe a further defense for not getting to the heart of the issue.
Either way the focus is on healing right now. My intention isn't rumination on what's going on underneath there. Notice my internal dialogue has been surprisingly compassionate and it's been helping. Encouragement, rather than criticism seems to definitely be making my growth better. Didn't even realize how much negative self talk I engaged in until today and how much I blindly accepted it as the truth. There's no duality here anymore and what I mean by that is seeing my negative critical voice as someone else or something foreign no longer applies. It's just learned responses, no malicious intent, so just understanding I can change that direction is really important.
Even though I grew a lot on AM6 I was still very critical of myself. The growth I had was never enough. It was always "when you get to this point then you can like yourself, until then you aren't good enough". But with DMSI it feels like I can be ok with myself regardless of where I am at with my life and as a result I have more energy and positivity to put towards improving my life. Now more than ever I see how motivation through things like insecurity, fear, or putting yourself down are largely ineffective and it's better to practice self compassion.
Maybe it took DMSI to really start being aware of these protective barriers I put up. Prior to this I'd just shrug it off and think I was being dramatic. Maybe a further defense for not getting to the heart of the issue.
Either way the focus is on healing right now. My intention isn't rumination on what's going on underneath there. Notice my internal dialogue has been surprisingly compassionate and it's been helping. Encouragement, rather than criticism seems to definitely be making my growth better. Didn't even realize how much negative self talk I engaged in until today and how much I blindly accepted it as the truth. There's no duality here anymore and what I mean by that is seeing my negative critical voice as someone else or something foreign no longer applies. It's just learned responses, no malicious intent, so just understanding I can change that direction is really important.
Even though I grew a lot on AM6 I was still very critical of myself. The growth I had was never enough. It was always "when you get to this point then you can like yourself, until then you aren't good enough". But with DMSI it feels like I can be ok with myself regardless of where I am at with my life and as a result I have more energy and positivity to put towards improving my life. Now more than ever I see how motivation through things like insecurity, fear, or putting yourself down are largely ineffective and it's better to practice self compassion.
