In this for the healing DMSI v3.1 A

[mat422]

Apparently where I've been screwing up the most with all this is the idea of self love. I've realized that I'm so messed up in the head because I keep holding this idealized version of who I want to be and everything that falls short of that isn't good enough and isn't worthy of love. It puts me in a horrible spiral of feeling bad about myself as well as blocking true healing from taking place.

I'm making a conscious effort to stop comparing myself to others and focus more on myself instead. To cut myself some slack when I'm struggling to do or achieve something. It feels so foreign to me and part of me tells me in my head it isn't right and I'm only going to screw up everything by being so easy on myself. But all this negative thinking and putting myself down, I see how much pain I'm causing myself for no real reason other than adhering to some messed up concept of not being good enough.

I've been kicking myself when I'm already down. So now it's time to build myself back up so I can achieve the things I want to do. It's hard, I see how far behind I am from everyone else I admire and it makes me feel like I'll never catch up. But that's the type of thinking that causes me misery, thinking I need to be better than someone or if I'm not on the same level I'm a worthless person. In a way it's a very strong compulsion inside of me, to go back to that negative thinking and be all critical about myself. This is giving me awareness into my own motivations vs fear/insecurity based ones.

[kalmah0804]

This is a huge groundbreaking revelation that I came to not long ago myself. How many days of DMSI 3.1-A have you been running now?

[mat422]

This is a huge groundbreaking revelation that I came to not long ago myself. How many days of DMSI 3.1-A have you been running now?

I want to say about 2 and a half months now. Not entirely certain. I find I can relate to what you write about a lot so it's good to know you've had similar revelations.

It's been confusing for me because my life wasn't traumatic at all. Unfortunately because of that very reason it seems like I minimized my own internal struggle and never addressed it. So it just built up into this really messed up monster of a problem.

[kalmah0804]

It's honestly less about past trauma and probably more about neurosis and shit. If you suffer from any type of mental disabilities or mood disorders of any kind, these subs seem to be a million times more difficult to run and process. I know with my OCD sometimes the subs can be nightmarish of their own rights, and when they trigger something deeply traumatic and long-forgotten or buried, it can be like I'm living in eternal hell for quite some time.

But learning to find value and worth within yourself regardless of external factors is the first step towards finding some inner peace and tranquillity. I know from my experience in the last 3 months or so that once I recognized that I placed too much of my own self-worth, self-validity, and self-esteem on external factors, instead of actually trying to find it from within myself, I was able to undergo that journey. Now that I've found some baseline of self-worth and self-validity within myself, I'm so much more generally confident, open, and relaxed... I just feel free. There are definitely times where I revert back to my old self, especially with women, which is the only real department in my life where I feel helpless because I have basically no positive memories or experiences to lean back on, but those things will work themselves out, too.

The important thing is, no matter who you are, what you do, how much you make or who loves you, you have to learn to love yourself, especially when things are really bad, and learn to be more kind, understanding, compassionate and forgiving to yourself through thick and thin. This will lead to higher sense of self-worth, self-validity, and self-confidence. There will definitely be things in the external world that you really, really want, like a great job opportunity or an amazing woman, and when you fail to achieve these things, you will most certainly come crashing down again, but being able to bounce back more quickly with self-compasson and self-forgiveness will lead to quickly re-establishing that baseline self-esteem and confidence, and as you grow through more loss and failure, and bounce back more and more quickly, you will become an entirely new person, just as I am in the process of becoming, and the subs will only work more quickly and more effectively on you the better you nail down that skill of self-compassion and re-building up your sense of self-worth and self-validation after your ego gets busted down by rejection or failure.

[mat422]

I've been highly neurotic all my life. I don't even know what the hell I deal with anymore. I can be highly obsessive as well, but not in the traditional OCD way with physical manifestations and rituals. Apparently there's a subtype of OCD that only has to deal with obsessions, stuff like perfectionism and ruminating endlessly on negative thoughts and feelings is thought to be linked to this. Then there's the anxiety and depression and all that other shit. I swear it feels like less of living with a disorder and living with a personality that generates a cluster of all these messed up attributes. So I sit there and just ask myself "where the fuck do I even begin?" Self love and compassion is definitely a start, but when that doesn't work sometimes it can feel like I'm screwed.

Lately I feel like I'm not actually doing as much healing as I thought I was. I kept thinking all the dark cycles, the mood swings, the suicidal thoughts, was just purging and I had to go through it. Now I think that was just me getting stuck in it. If healing is from A -->B---->C, it seems like I'm getting stuck at B for an unnecessary length of time. Ideally the goal is to smoothly transition from A-->C and minimize as much time spent dwelling in B because B is not the goal.

Anyway it feels like until I get past this B point I won't have my freedom. And I've realized that most people are slaves in life just going on the path they were told to get on. An article I read related to that. https://medium.com/21st-century-career/w...8e8c6d2583
I don't want to be a slave anymore. I want to make my own decisions and live a life I'm happy with.

[mat422]

Oh man yesterday sucked so bad. I woke up with a little anxiety and then it got worse and worse as the day progressed. Eventually I had to just go into my bed and I don't even know what happened. I just couldn't handle anything anymore. At that point I realized I was running away so I decided to face the fear head on. Let me tell you, that didn't work. Somehow I've been bypassing the emotional shielding and that's what has been screwing me up the most. But the emotional shielding is really important because I've realized I can't handle the extent of my fear on a conscious level.

With that I realized two things. These are emotional problems and need to be handled on an emotional level of understanding. Trying to figure out the whys doesn't help. I need to cut the stories and reasons attached to it and just release what holds me back. The second thing is really nailing it into my head the mentality of these being passing sensations and not to be attached to them. Even if I'm afraid of being hurt or rejected, it does me no good delving into logical arguments as to why my feelings aren't rational. All that does is act as a distraction while the controlling feeling still dominates my actions. The only difference is I delude my conscious mind into believing I have control. All this healing, there are no words for any of it. It takes place on such an intangible level for me it doesn't make any logical sense. It's all based in the realm of emotion and I've realized maybe my emotional regulation skills aren't that good.

[Giacomonos]

Hei man, I sent you a PM.

But let me tell you here: I think that you need something like Depression Relief Aid alongside with a therapist. I know what you are going through because I too had depressive episode in my life and didn't do anything about them and now I'm worse (I'm 22).

I'm on MLS 5.5g right now for musical purposes, but I'm planning to do DRA+therapist in the near future.
Let me know what you think

[mat422]

Hei man, I sent you a PM.

But let me tell you here: I think that you need something like Depression Relief Aid alongside with a therapist. I know what you are going through because I too had depressive episode in my life and didn't do anything about them and now I'm worse (I'm 22).

I'm on MLS 5.5g right now for musical purposes, but I'm planning to do DRA+therapist in the near future.
Let me know what you think

Hey, yeah I didn't get around to the pm. Honestly I don't know if that's the right move for me. I feel like I'm depressed because I've been shoved into this box in life and I'm not content with what people have told me is feasible. I'll look into it, but more and more I realize that a lot of these issues just stem from being different and wanting something different in life. And in order to make my life what I want it to be I have to overcome fear and learn to accept myself for who I am instead of giving in to the opinions of others. It's tricky finding the source of this stuff.

[mat422]

So getting the strong urge to move to universal detox. Why? My mind keeps telling me it will work better that DMSI. But I don't buy it. So far I know what I've gotten with DMSI and even though it's been pretty rocky there's definitely been huge improvements. To trade that all in and the momentum I've been building for what could be a potential improvement seems like a gamble to me.

That being said DMSI makes my head feel like a swarm of angry hornets at times. I shift back and forth between executing and resisting. Back and forth, multiple times throughout the day. And while this is going on I'm trying to figure out in my head how to make this work better and I stress myself out. Yeah ideally I should just forget it and relax and stop worrying, but that doesn't work. For some reason DMSI makes my obsessive thinking kick into overdrive. This is a problem because getting it to work literally consumes 90% of my thoughts and I don't know what to do about it. It's like my conscious mind going batshit crazy trying to figure out how to control or take over the subconscious influence which is dumb because the goal is to get the subconscious to do the heavy lifting.

Which made me realize something. My subconscious isn't the problem here, it's my conscious mind and its refusal to hand over control.

[mat422]

Sitting here listening to one of my latest tracks and it's something I can be happy with, which hasn't happened in a long time. And it got me thinking about a few things.

I've been afraid of challenging myself for a long time now. It's what has stagnated my whole life. If something doesn't come easy to me I get anxiety and I avoid it. That's not how you grow or advance as a person. Being too afraid to face challenges hurts me in a lot of ways. I give up too easily. And on top of that I take my own challenges I come across as indications that I'm a failure as a person because I always think to myself "I should be able to do this, everyone else can".

Avoidance is dangerous. You get deeper and deeper into it. The less you try, the more you start comparing yourself to people who do and the worse you start to feel as you realize you're so far behind. And it's not an illusion. You do fall behind and it takes a ton of compassion and understanding for yourself not to beat yourself up. I'm lucky, I didn't mess up my life horribly and continue down that path of avoidance. But I did do some damage that I need to heal from. And some days it's like looking up at a huge mountain I have to scale and wanting to just give up entirely.

But pressing on, having that determination to continue to move forward in the face of perceived overwhelming odds. That's been the one thing in my life that has saved me. DMSI has strengthened that in me and I'm hoping it can continue to carry me forward.

[Benjamin]

UD is pretty subtle. I'm nearly at 2 months and I do have more energy than before so it seems to have helped a bit with my candida. Before I started it at the gym I was getting this bad cloudy head and barely had energy, now I have more. It's not massive but enough that I know it's done something.

Other than that I have noticed that negativity seems to affect me less, like bs from girls. Recently i've dealt with an especially crazy girl and I can't say i'm totally 'zen' about it, but it has affected me significantly less, I was happy how I dealt with the situation and how i'm just able to ignore her messages now.

[kalmah0804]

I would recommend continuing to push through with DMSI-A for just a little while longer. Most journals or reports that I've seen containing a lot of major breakthroughs and successes don't even begin to occur until at least 100 days of straight A-side listening. I think you're about to approach 3 months (which would be about 90 days), so I'd maybe try and keep listening thru Christmas to see if you don't get any massive breakthroughs/turnarounds, and then take 21 days off and switch to UD or a different type of clearing sub if you haven't experienced any noticeable more permanent results after another straight month of listening.

[mat422]

Definitely sticking with DMSI. Had a bit of a breakthrough yesterday. There's a lot of repressed anger inside of me. And I tried to relax or meditate it away, but I realized that it can be used to fuel my growth. I'm pretty sure that's actually in the script, so I'm just picking up on that. Anyway for most of my life I've just been doing what I should do, not what I actually want to do. It really pisses me off when people use phrases like "that's just how the world works", "be realistic", "there's no money in that", etc. It's just so goddamn limiting. Here you have your life that you're supposed to live for yourself, not follow some bullshit cookie cutter mold that was put in place for you to follow. I've been banging my head against the wall trying to figure out why I'm still depressed and it's because I'm still living in that stupid confining fear based mentality where I settle with what's "safe" or acknowledged as realistic by other people.

My main issue seems to be that all my life I've been different. I've wanted something different. And when you express that outwardly people look at you like you have 3 heads. After a while it feels like you're just wrong, delusional, defective. Instead of celebrating that difference I beat myself up about it and pretty much repressed who I am. I always envied the people who weren't afraid to be themselves and do their own thing. I never seemed able to do that, I'd always hide behind a mask. But I think that's changing now.

Also I'm pushing past the resistance more now. I kept thinking I was afraid of losing myself, but it turns out that was just an excuse for me to cling onto. Clearly I want to change otherwise I never would have ran this sub in the first place, which means I'm not afraid of losing myself because I'm tired of my old negative self defeatist self.

I think deep down I know I have a different path in life compared to what's common and I wouldn't acknowledge it because I was too afraid to venture on that path. But it's either face my fears and be happy or continue to be afraid and limit myself to a reality which makes me sick to my stomach.

[mat422]

Getting more in touch with my sexual urges. What have I realized? That I've been very ashamed of being sexually attracted to women. Seems stupid right? But I never was one to engage in those conversations about who I'd like to bang, pointing out chicks with nice assess that walked by, or just blatantly stare at hot women that walked by. I never wanted to be one of those guys. Unfortunately that meant throwing away or being ashamed of any sexual urges I had. Nope I was a good guy, I wasn't going to sexually objectify women and I was determined to prove that "all men are dogs" stereotype wrong. Well I'm learning now that there's nothing wrong with those sexual urges because everyone is thinking about sex. Those urges are just like any other feeling, they exist, they are part of being human and it's stupid to try to deny them.

That being said there's this one woman I work with and when I'm in the presence of her it's like a switch gets turned on and I'm just projecting my sexual energy hard. She's married, so I don't think there's any chance of hooking up with her. But basically I don't stop it or try to avoid feeling that anymore. I just have visuals in my head of sex with her automatically. And I can feel the aura around my body too. Something that I haven't really noticed up until today. It's sort of like an airy magnetic sort of feel, weird for sure.

So seems like progress. My attitudes towards sex are definitely changing. Prior to this I thought I could only have sex with someone I loved or something of the sort, but I've realized that was just a cover up for being afraid of that raw sexual animalistic passion that is inside of me. Also a combination of feminist propaganda probably messed up my head with regards to sex. Seriously third wave feminists are the worst.