Hi everyone

[CatLady221]

Tell us about your ex relationship

I'll call my ex, Tom. Tom and I broke up about 4 months ago, and we were together for just over 6 years. During my time of dating him, I was very dependant on him for emotional support and validation. Looking back, it was almost like a parent-child dynamic.

Tom's a bit of rescuer, he can't help but want to help others he perceives that are in need. So my playing the damsel in distress (victim mentality) role and he being the rescuer had us stuck together for a long time. Longer than we should have been together. I feel now he enabled my victimhood and I also let him get away with behaviours too. I was pretty passive in our relationship.... I think it was because I was really afraid of losing him.

By behaviours, I mean he refused to get a job or if he got a job (forced to by his employment agency)... he would very quickly lose it, and claim he butted heads with the boss or something. Other behaviours was basically being a Peter Pan, refusing to grow up and not having direction and plans in life. He was also not very physically affectionate and we had a sex drive mismatch (mine was high, his was pretty low). Whenver I would try to bring up these issues, he would shoot them down or make up some excuses, or tell me to find another boyfriend. Eventually, I gave up talking to him about anything problematic in our relationship because I didn't want to upset him, or made to feel bad or worst.... he would dump me and I would lose him.

Now you might read this and think 'Oh wow, seems like it was an easy decision to break up with him and move on.'. It wasn't. In spite of all these bad behaviours, I was still very sad the day I broke up with him. I knew he could be a better person and I felt like I had let him down, that I hadn't tried hard enough somehow to make it work. He took being dumped surprisingly well and was quite calm about it, I expected him to be upset or angry. He told me I would eventually have to move out and get my own place, but he would help me and we could still be friends.

At this point in time, I was still very emotionally dependant on him and welcomed his hand of friendship. I felt I had found someone special and still wanted him in my life. However, it's never that idyllic. Soon after we broke up, he started hanging out with a group of girls and there was one that I suspected he had something with and became very suspisicous and jealous of them both. It ate away at me and made our friendship awkward at times. I still had feelings for him too and was still reliant on him for my emotional needs at the time, so always having these fear/threat of losing out to another girl really chewed away at my sanity. I couldn't fathom at the time the ideas of taking care of my own emotional states and being solely responsible for my happiness, so I was still playing the victim... but this time no rescuer was coming for me.

Just recently I found out he did have a thing for her and he had been seeing her. I also found out he considered me a fuckbuddy he could have whenever he wanted and that apparently he had been enjoying seeing me getting jealous over him hanging out with other girls. It really crushed me. I was very upset, became really depressed and suicidal. When I told Tom that I knew about him and the new girl, he was angry I had found out and we ended up having a pretty ugly fight.

Since then... things haven't been the same. He's distanced himself from me and I've kept to myself. I feel awkward around him and honestly don't know how to be around him now... before I would of been so cut up and needy about him being distant, but instead I am actually a bit relieved. I've talked to a few friends who have all recommended leaving town and cutting all contact with him... which I've decided to do in the New Year. He's messaged me a few times to ask me how I've been, and I've seen him three times in the last week but only for short periods. (we used to see each other almost everyday for a few hours before our fight)

I realize now we could never be proper friends like we wanted to and our relationship after the break-up was not healthy for me (but obviously worked for him ), that I am solely responsible for my happiness and the direction of my life, and that relying on anyone else for my emotional stability/life direction is just a bad move, and lastly that being in this town is toxic and I need to leave... instead of wistfully hoping things will change or sway in my favour, they won't. It's his hometown I'm living in and I know it sounds crazy, but honestly feel like I am in enemy territory at times.

Have also spent the last few days at my sister's in our hometown. Felt really good being back home. Felt safe and valued. I am definitely moving here as soon I can sort out both a new job and new place to live... which hopefully will work out soon.

Have also started the LGOPR sub too (as you all know) and this has been helping too. I am on my 4th day. I feel less desire to reach out and check on him as much, though there are still times I still feel needy and sad or have ugly thoughts and feelings but it has not been too bad. I think I will heal much faster once I move out of this town for good!

I apologize for such a long story but I feel that I should really detail what happened as I intend to start a journal here, and also by detailing what I've been through to see what else can be recommended to me.