Getting Life Back on Track - LTU 5

[ResJudicata]

I'm going to start tonight but figured I'd get this background stuff written so that I can get my feelings down. I finished about a 3 month run of Maximum Healing which seems to actually have helped the issue I was having (my wrists/arms) along with lessening my time on the computer. I stopped that over 21 days ago.

I was just trying to figure out what I was going to do next when I stumbled upon the fact that LTU had been released in the time I'd been away. I laugh because it's exactly what I need. I had originally hoped that US/LM would help me but I never did find a law based job during that time. For background, I'm an unemployed young lawyer. I had hoped it would help but upon reflection, I have a lot of fear. Deep seated fear I was not aware of until I've been reflecting for the last few months. I'm hoping LTU 5 will help me fight a lot of my fears that I have. I have a lot of deep fears that I don't even know the origin of anymore. I can already see imposter syndrome with regards to law when I should know I can do the job.

I'm also hoping the luck will play up and I'll be able to actually land a job that I can enjoy. Ever since I lost my last job suddenly (they never did tell me why they let me go), I haven't felt like myself. Hell, when I finally finalized my decision that I was going to run this today, when I thought about the program I, for some reason, felt panic. It was weird as there wasn't really any reason for me to be panicking. I was literally in a parking lot at my car and just thinking about my decision.

On top of all this, I have procrastination issues that has developed over the years. I cannot figure out why or when they developed. I know myself and I used to be the hardest of workers who got the job done immediately rather than putting it off over and over. Now, I feel like I have to fight myself to get all but the simplest tasks done.

So my 3 goals for while doing this (besides all the fun side stuff that I hope to gain) are listed here so that I may remember and lodge them into my subconscious mind:
1. To get myself feeling like myself and comfortable in my own skin again.
2. To find a legal job I can work and enjoy.
3. To finish my novel I started a long time ago and have been wanting to get myself to finish.

Now I just need to listen tonight (partially before and while I sleep) and see where things take me. I'm hoping for good things.

[ResJudicata]

Day 2 (For future reference, for days I'll be listening the day listed is for that night so I can keep track of which days to listen and which days are off)

Listened to my first set last night, got through about 1 and a half loops before I went to bed and sleep.

Today, I feel kind of emotionally numb. I'm not really feeling any strong emotions at all. Even the emotions I am feeling, seem muted. The same for the taste of food. Still some residual feelings of fear now that I'm thinking about it but it feels very...light? Hard to describe as it's so heavily muted. Weird. I'm also feeling hungrier, which is a sign in itself. Hopefully it'll use all the energy from what I eat and I won't gain weight since I've finally started to lose weight over the last few months (something I've needed to do for years). Feeling of tiredness is also there but not so much more than I've felt before over the last few weeks off and on when my sleep is broken into 2 chunks with one in the morning where I move to a less comfortable spot to be a presence to prevent the dog from getting into things and causing mischief.

[ResJudicata]

Day 3
I did not feel great this morning. A lot more tired than usual with some old aches returning when I was going to sleep while listening (aches that had appeared the first time I ran MHS, which I originally associated with resistance). I ate a lot for lunch, a lot more than I've been eating or I normally eat and it's been sticking with me all day. I've felt more than a little bloated and unwell. I probably need to make sure to control how much I'm eating to not have this happen again. I ate significantly less for dinner since lunch stayed with me so much. Still, tiredness is the strongest feeling. Heh, the tiredness may help my sleep cycle get where I'll need it for any real legal job (stupid jobs starting too early for my normal circadian rhythms).
Otherwise, not much of note. Probably still in the early stages of working and getting over my resistance (as I mentioned previously, lots of fear although that seems less. I did feel some nervousness today when thinking about the program but nothing like that first panic). Still some muted feeling for emotions.

Edit: I have been using the hybrid version for the last 3 runs but it has started to physically bother my ears even at extremely low volume, so I’ll be switching to the masked version instead. Hopefully this won’t cause too many problems.

[ResJudicata]

Day 5
This morning, I feel terrible. I can't tell if it's because I did masked last night and that caused a conflict with me previously using hybrid or if this is resistance. I feel like I'm having trouble breathing and I woke up this morning feeling like I was freezing when normally I would have been fine. (Note on change from hybrid to masked, as mentioned in my last edit of Day 3, the ultrasonic from the hybrid was causing me great discomfort in my ears and essentially the lowest level before pain, even when I turned the volume so low, it was starting to make the masked part ridiculously low volume). 

Apologies to Shannon if this causes issues with my data but my ears were still bothering me the morning after listening and I'd stopped over 5 hours previous. This morning, I did not have any discomfort for my ears and I'd had the masked at a slightly higher volume than previously with the hybrid. I just have to deal with either resistance or backlash. Hopefully, I'll recover over these two rest days.

Warning for others: if you've had problems with the ultrasonic in the past, avoid the hybrid and stick to the masked.

[DavisMind91]

The feelings of being cold and the body aches could be a sign of UD working. I heard before that when one detoxes it can cause flu like symptoms because of all the toxins leaving the cells and entering the bloodstream, and eventually being expelled from the body via urination, defecation, etc.

[ResJudicata]

Day 7
Not much to report over the last 2 rest days. Only thing is still an experience of tiredness even though it feels like I should be getting more of the same amount of sleep as previous before I began. Then again, the tiredness today may just be stupid Daylight Savings throwing off my sleep schedule.

Otherwise the only other thing of note is probably an increased need for water and my acid reflux acting up a bit more than normal, which is something I’ve experienced before and associated with resistance. Today I’ll be listening to my 5 loops and hope the lesser efficiency of the masked version isn’t too much less.

[ResJudicata]

Day 8
Nothing new to report really. Quiet day but was very tired. The masked seems to have a much reduced effect as expected or it might just be a bit more subtle. I am experiencing a lot more tiredness still. I took a nap the afternoon and still felt a little tired afterward. So my only signs of it working are tiredness and increased appetite. Hopefully tomorrow will illuminate me with my second goal as I’ll be finally getting myself to write my job applications and applying to all the places I can find (something I’ve been putting off didn’t to procrastination and a deep seated fear).

[ResJudicata]

Day 10
I kind of hate writing these as there’s not much to report other than tiredness, weird dreams, and the failure to get myself to do what I wanted to do yesterday. I procrastinated and then procrastinated and then ended up not doing what I needed to do. That bothers me a lot and probably doesn’t help my mental health. I’m feeling restless but I’m not doing what I need to do to progress my goals.

[Shannon]

Sounds like masked format may not be ideal for you.

[BreathlessDragon]

Day 10
I kind of hate writing these as there’s not much to report other than tiredness, weird dreams, and the failure to get myself to do what I wanted to do yesterday. I procrastinated and then procrastinated and then ended up not doing what I needed to do. That bothers me a lot and probably doesn’t help my mental health. I’m feeling restless but I’m not doing what I need to do to progress my goals.

I feel I'm in the same boat as of late. No motivation to do anything and I'm feeling bored. I have so much free time, but I'm choosing to waste it and hope inspiration strikes the following day. Hopefully it's justjust sub doing its clearing and we'll explode into productivity afterwards.

[Shannon]

Day 10
I kind of hate writing these as there’s not much to report other than tiredness, weird dreams, and the failure to get myself to do what I wanted to do yesterday. I procrastinated and then procrastinated and then ended up not doing what I needed to do. That bothers me a lot and probably doesn’t help my mental health. I’m feeling restless but I’m not doing what I need to do to progress my goals.

I feel I'm in the same boat as of late. No motivation to do anything and I'm feeling bored. I have so much free time, but I'm choosing to waste it and hope inspiration strikes the following day. Hopefully it's justjust sub doing its clearing and we'll explode into productivity afterwards.

Or you could do what I do.  When I find myself procrastinating, I consciously recognize that and change the situation, instead of waiting for tomorrow... which I just realized means I need to go do a couple things. 

[ResJudicata]

Sounds like masked format may not be ideal for you.

The problem I run into is that I would like to use the hybrid but even at literally a 3 or 4 tick volume on my phone while listening to headphones where I can comfortably hear the masked part, it causes me great discomfort and all but pain for my ears after listening for a time. The discomfort lasts for hours after I'm done. I don't want to cause any permanent damage to my hearing and that's what it feels like it's doing.

The unfortunate part is that I know you're right that the masked isn't working. I can tell the difference just from this run compared to the first few days with the hybrid. I've already started my loops for tonight, so I'll try playing the hybrid only putting it at 1 or 2 ticks on my iphone after the two rest days. I know it'll be harder to hear the masked part but I should still be able to hear since I play the sounds at night and there shouldn't be any background noise. If that doesn't work and I'm still having problems, then I'll reassess at that point.

[Shannon]

Sounds like masked format may not be ideal for you.

The problem I run into is that I would like to use the hybrid but even at literally a 3 or 4 tick volume on my phone while listening to headphones where I can comfortably hear the masked part, it causes me great discomfort and all but pain for my ears after listening for a time. The discomfort lasts for hours after I'm done. I don't want to cause any permanent damage to my hearing and that's what it feels like it's doing.

The unfortunate part is that I know you're right that the masked isn't working. I can tell the difference just from this run compared to the first few days with the hybrid. I've already started my loops for tonight, so I'll try playing the hybrid only putting it at 1 or 2 ticks on my iphone after the two rest days. I know it'll be harder to hear the masked part but I should still be able to hear since I play the sounds at night and there shouldn't be any background noise. If that doesn't work and I'm still having problems, then I'll reassess at that point.

And you don't use the ultrasonic format because?

[ResJudicata]

Day 11

Not sure what to make of last night. I decided to increase the volume of the masked beyond what felt comfortable to me to the maximum loudness I could tolerate. Started with what felt like a resistance headache and ended with me waking up sometime during the last loop feeling like I was overheated and unable to get to sleep until the final loop ended over an hour later. I then went back to sleep. No idea if this means anything.

And you don't use the ultrasonic format because?

The reason I haven't used the ultrasonic is that my original attempt to use it years ago ran into multiple issues. The main two being I could hear it and I couldn't balance the volume right. I doubt the former probably still applies as I know my hearing has changed over the years. The latter I can try to do again but it seems like the problem I'm having with the hybrid IS the ultrasonic part of it. I also lack any actual speakers and would then have to rely on the base speakers on my iphone 6 which I don't even know if it's of good enough quality to play the ultrasonic (anyone know the answer to that?). If I get back from people on that last question, I might try the ultrasonic again but otherwise, I don't really see it as an option.