I just read Paul's latest post, responded, and am sitting here crying on and off. His words were put out there, unedited, and......I can relate. And last night, I had a very revealing dream, though I was waking up near the end. I toyed with truths in it. I tried to not be honest with myself. Here goes.
I was driving a garbage truck in some isolated woods, but my daughter (who's 15) was on the back, like she was my helper. IRL, I work in this industry, so it wasn't weird. What happened was we stopped, but she'd disappeared. I acted quickly, becoming terrified she'd either gone into the hopper (where all the garbage is crushed), but no reply. I couldn't see or hear her, and I tried quickly to be angry at her, thinking she was playing with me. She showed up, smiling initially, but grew shameful since this REALLY REALLY affected me. It happened so quick, and slowly I began to feel what was underneath. I've put so much of my value on her. If she were to have accidentally died, I would feel like I lost part of me.
This is where my feelings came up, me wondering why I was affected. In my mind, I've shielded her from many realities in life, to where I feel inadequate as a normal dad. Instead of looking at hard, uncomfortable things and talking about them, I've been unwilling to do so. IRL, that's why she's tight with her mother. She's the opposite of me.
But.........something hurts, both in that dream, and now. I realized I am the very person I don't talk to. I hide life's truths from myself constantly. Most of it scares me. I fear something......and even now, it feels like I hold onto this fear for dear life. I use fear to shield me from seeing, knowing, or feeling real life. (People often push me away when I feel vulnerable since I feel so afraid, so I hide it from myself)
This feels stupid to write, but that's my truth. I go to work, come home, shower, eat, go to bed. Right now, there's nothing else. This ritual has been my life for years. Some shades of socializing, but they're with people just like me--fearful people and/or bullshitters of themselves.
This is my life. I've tried to hide it from myself so I won't be rejected--or even feel the fears of being rejected. Feelings of unworthiness I remember even in my teens, which is why I didn't get close to people in high school. I could blame my mom, I have, but I am the person sitting with the pain. Not loving myself alone was always easier than not loving myself around people, because people see it quickly.
Edit: I stopped to re-read my post. This old norm is pushing me away from my daughter. I sat in the pain and tears of me losing my daughter now due to those same fears. Just wondered: I thought I was losing the relationship with me. It's both, actually.
I was driving a garbage truck in some isolated woods, but my daughter (who's 15) was on the back, like she was my helper. IRL, I work in this industry, so it wasn't weird. What happened was we stopped, but she'd disappeared. I acted quickly, becoming terrified she'd either gone into the hopper (where all the garbage is crushed), but no reply. I couldn't see or hear her, and I tried quickly to be angry at her, thinking she was playing with me. She showed up, smiling initially, but grew shameful since this REALLY REALLY affected me. It happened so quick, and slowly I began to feel what was underneath. I've put so much of my value on her. If she were to have accidentally died, I would feel like I lost part of me.
This is where my feelings came up, me wondering why I was affected. In my mind, I've shielded her from many realities in life, to where I feel inadequate as a normal dad. Instead of looking at hard, uncomfortable things and talking about them, I've been unwilling to do so. IRL, that's why she's tight with her mother. She's the opposite of me.
But.........something hurts, both in that dream, and now. I realized I am the very person I don't talk to. I hide life's truths from myself constantly. Most of it scares me. I fear something......and even now, it feels like I hold onto this fear for dear life. I use fear to shield me from seeing, knowing, or feeling real life. (People often push me away when I feel vulnerable since I feel so afraid, so I hide it from myself)
This feels stupid to write, but that's my truth. I go to work, come home, shower, eat, go to bed. Right now, there's nothing else. This ritual has been my life for years. Some shades of socializing, but they're with people just like me--fearful people and/or bullshitters of themselves.
This is my life. I've tried to hide it from myself so I won't be rejected--or even feel the fears of being rejected. Feelings of unworthiness I remember even in my teens, which is why I didn't get close to people in high school. I could blame my mom, I have, but I am the person sitting with the pain. Not loving myself alone was always easier than not loving myself around people, because people see it quickly.
Edit: I stopped to re-read my post. This old norm is pushing me away from my daughter. I sat in the pain and tears of me losing my daughter now due to those same fears. Just wondered: I thought I was losing the relationship with me. It's both, actually.
I want to be FREE!
