10-21-2019, 12:28 AM
(10-20-2019, 07:30 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: Just what is it you're afraid you'll do if you have money? For me, it's pretty simple what I imagine I'll do: get my own place and travel the world. Can't imagine doing anything negative with it. What kinds of things do you think you might do? Just curious.
I didn't have to think much about this answer, as I feel it right now. Old, strong, self-punishing beliefs still exist in me. I've been fearful of me punishing myself for breaking the family norm or unspoken rule that poverty was our lot in life. Fucked up, I know. My mom lived in that helpless, limiting belief, and I accepted it myself to support her. One of UMS's goals is to stop punishing oneself with poverty. I expect this change in me might be subtle, but maybe not.
It's tied to a fear of losing her love when I do this, and more specifically, a fear that I'll abandon her. Me abandoning her has been a major fear tied to money since she always relied on guilt and pity to meet her needs. She passed in July, but those fears are very much alive.
I want to be FREE!
