Findingme's E2 journal

[Infinite]

I would have a plan of conversation before seeing her again. Such as questions I want answers to before she dies. She might be taken aback, but hopefully this would start the process of opening up her eyes that the quality of conversation needs to improve since life is short. It will make you feel good when you look back.

[findingme]

Thank you Infinite. I'm not sure exactly what I need to ask her at this moment.

I'm a little emotionally overloaded presently, having realized something big in me today. I need to sleep, and I will respond with more details in the morning.

Thank you for chiming in. I checked emails at lunch and saw this, after sending a very similar video to some friends this morning.

[findingme]

I feel very vulnerable right now, having not been able to resolve something in me which I've done all my life. 2 days ago I wrote I felt like a failure since I wasn't able to get my mom to love me when I was young.

Something hit me yesterday, and I was not ok with that answer. It's a very blaming statement, a powerless mindset. A victim mindset. People advocate blaming others, which I've agreed to. But I'm not powerless. I'm seeing my part. I'm trying to own my truth, as uncomfortable as it is.

The failure I feel comes in two parts: what I created myself, and what I've modeled. When I grew up, my mom always felt overloaded, complaining of her troubles, and amplifying it with daily drinking. I identified with her troubles, owning her misery. Our family's foundation was codependency, where we'd trade pieces of love for each other, always expecting (or needing) a return. Nothing was freely given. I remember trying to encourage my mother in our kitchen, but being blown off. Her self disgust was what I thought I could overlook and ignore, but multiple rejections burned me an "I'll fail" mentality. I began ignoring her, out of emotional survival. Shannon's quote of "failure is the path of least resistance" holds true here. I had some happiness in me, but the enmeshed "I feel what you feel" thinking did its damage. For my mom felt like a failure. ......so I did too. And I saw her withdrawal from life, and due to my own unmet needs and fearing more rejection, it looked APPEALING to me. I did this most of my adult life.

I thought about my mom feeling like a failure yesterday. Why'd she just STOP growing? She's told me numerous times how her mom told her she wasn't capable and wouldn't succeed herself. My mom had asked to go to college, but her own mother's beliefs were handed down with disempowering and cutting statements, as she'd not succeeded herself. While I'm just looking at my mom in my mind, she really believed it. Those words cursed her.

Which points to what I modeled. I saw her circling in the same s*** day after day. Her greatest fears were financial, and to this day, paydays and the beginning of the month (for SS) seemed like her ONLY hope. She just sat in her self despising mentality, and I'm uncomfortable around her since she's always NEEDY for something positive. Though she's always had people and opportunities around her, her inherited shame and her lifestyle shame prevented much movement in any way at all. Her whole family were heavy drinkers, and she just modeled this.

I came here to write about myself though. My identity has been heavily tied to my mom's. If nothing changes, nothing changes. I cried heavily while on UD, grieving what I'd lost. And I needed that. The inherited shame held me too, with me feeling like a very young boy all my life. I've even criticized H&C since I felt like I was still playing little league in my adult life. Growing....has been scary. A lot. But men are changing here. I am changing here. I don't always believe in myself, and that's my past trying to pull me back. And also the temptation to ...... hide from life. I see old images while I write, old escapes I desired. If I were to admit any shame, it'd be the old desire to hide from life.

And maybe my desires to improve myself are still desires to "save my family". Which is maybe also why my blood family is so disjointed. Because it's a massive undertaking, which I see all us children have tried to do. And given up on. The only hope I can think of is "change me". And grieve the rest. Thank *** for subliminals.

[findingme]

I replied to an E2 question lately, and Kol spoke up about his possible need for it, citing strong dissociation and PTSD symptoms growing up.

I mention this since I feel like I have strong (meaning "frightening") feelings on my left, and strong feelings on my right. I've felt myself dissociating from them a bit today. I was very tired at work, but it may have been the full moon's effects, as 2 others I worked around today were similarly exhausted.

I digressed. I'm really in new territory. I have this seemingly monumental challenge to face and go through. ...and I'm still trying to do it alone.

A meeting starts in 30 minutes. Do I really want to go? No
Do I really want to sit in my s***, whining for help? No. That makes me mad

I'm nervous. I'm going.

[findingme]

The AlAnon meeting went very well. It was very healthy for me. I was reintroduced to the perspective of finding good when things look really bad. One of the quotes in the readings read:

"When it gets dark enough, you can see the stars"

I got there early, talked and listened to the man who was setting it up, and he and I were the last ones to leave. Which wasn't planned. In fact, I went to one location first. No cars, so no meeting, so I went to another one 2 miles away. No cars there either. I got on my phone to find meeting locations, and I was directed to one I'd not known was on Tuesdays. So, a lot of unplanned things turned out well for me. I'm grateful I had this experience last night, for it met my needs

[Infinite]

It's very sad that your mom's upbringing and lifestyle haunts you. You should not abandon your mom, but you also can't be an enabler. Try to meet her in a positive environment, outside of her home where she will see positivity around her. It should be someplace that's free. Pack a simpkle lunch for her. Maybe she likes nature, the arts, free concerts,. You know what makes her happy, start there and expand from it. The internet shows a lot of free or inexpensive acivities, plus seniors get discounts.

I always knew that my mom's upbringing had an influence on the wistakes that she made raising me. I didn't know everything, of course. It wasn't until I heard about some of the things that she went through, that I understood her better. It didn't happen overnight, but understanding her better was freeing for me.

You deserved to be loved when you were a child, and you deserve to be loved now that you're an adult. Your mother did show you love as best as she could, but not the way that you needed. This lack of love had nothing to do with you. Your mother was given even less love herself. Try to give yourself what she didn't have to give you. When you hear those negative voices in your head, fight them by telling yourself outloud "I am better than this".

[findingme]

Infinite,

I'll see her this weekend, and I was reminded in a daily reader that me worrying about tomorrow is not helpful to anyone, me mostly. But I'll likely bring up something I've not asked lately.

Also, I'll share this about my postings. I used to post on another healing forum over 10 years ago. For me, writing is much more personal, meaning I choose to be honest. Therapists and even 12 step programs will encourage daily journaling, and for me, it works. I still have some paper journals I wrote in 25 years ago. I write also since I can think of what I wrote and ask "is that really true?"

So, yes, my mom did leave some haunting feelings and beliefs. The REAL pain is acknowledging those feelings........and letting GO of them. If I'd actually let them go when writing, I'd not be rehashing stuff 25 years later still. Dang, I've done that.

I know E2 has "Let Your Past Go", looking at the sales page. I guess it's my hope each time I write to actually leave something behind. I used to fantasize about this, thinking it'd happen in some in-treatment facility.

I think E2 is pushing me to let my past go. I say that since I've not had such fantasies in any way while on E2. My guess is my subconsious is saying "what? Are you kidding?"

I'll check in later, since I have to go to work.

Infinite, has DMSI helped you with your own mother memories?

[Infinite]

I don't know if DMSI has helped me with her memories. There seems to be a numbness because I don't feel emotional like I used to (before the subs) when I would think about her or other family members. I've been thinking lately that it wouldn't be so bad to talk to her again. I'm not sure if this has to do with the subs or not. It might be because of DMSI because I never wanted to talk to her again. She's getting older, so I might be sensing that time is short.

I got some unexpected healing or help from become irresistibly attractive to handsome men. I had a dream that I was saying goodbye to some people. One of them could have been a woam who represented my mom. What was really unusual is that two days later, the woman got manifested in real life. My plans were hindered that day because I got a blister on one of my feet, so I had to walk a different way. Then I got a blister on my other foot! I had to walk a different way, only to end up right behind that woman. I knew that getting the blisters was a way to detour my plans for the day. I had worn those shoes for a year, and that brand for many years, and I had never had any problems with blisters. When I passed that woman, she was actually listening to a subliminal. I never saw her again.

Seeing your mom again must be very stressful for you if you're actually having to remind yourself not to worry about it. Maybe you need a weekend off. Definately, you should start seeing her on your own terms. It can be a small change. That small change will grow into bigger posiive changes.

[Infinite]

I wanted to add that being on DMSI has helped me tremendously with my relationship with my SO. It's almost as if time slows down and I can see how he tries to manipulate during an argument to drain the energy out of me. He used to leave me so exhausted that I would waste my whole day doing nothing, just feeling depressed. This process started out when I got on BIATHM. He treated me this way for many years. It's interesting that all it took was just a few months on me being on these subs to get him to change. He knows that I can see right through his tactics, and that they don't work on me.

I had a friend who was sucking a lot of my time and energy. She has also driven everyone from her life away from her, including her own daughter. The only person left is a woman who can't get away from her because she has MS. She used to be healthy, and that woman is around her every day. I'm wondering if being around her everyday has anything to do with her deterioraion. I found whatever it was that I needed to manage her because of being on DMSI. Even my SO is dealing better with her.

[Have at ye]

I wanted to add that being on DMSI has helped me tremendously with my relationship with my SO. It's almost as if time slows down and I can see how he tries to manipulate during an argument to drain the energy out of me. He used to leave me so exhausted that I would waste my whole day doing nothing, just feeling depressed. This process started out when I got on BIATHM. He treated me this way for many years. It's interesting that all it took was just a few months on me being on these subs to get him to change. He knows that I can see right through his tactics, and that they don't work on me.

Hahaha, my ex used to try to pull stuff like that after some time we've been together. Consistently and incessantly, oftentimes in extremely damaging ways.

Never falling for such stuff again.

[findingme]

I've been very sensitive to E2 making me tired and my mind trying to close down when I've ran it when out this week. I was pulled in for a training Tuesday right before clocking out from work, and I had E2 running in my pocket. About 30 minutes into the training, I almost dozed right in my chair. I didn't think much of it since it was the end of the day.
But the next day I tried running it again while at work, and I felt lethargic. I've thought it a mix of sleep (but I'm getting 7-10 hours), inconsistent eating habits like missing dinner a few times each week, or E2 possibly working on something deeper in me.

All 3 may be playing a part, but I am noticing it. When I wasn't caffeinated and moving, I'd literally be at a loss for words. Like my mind is doing some rewiring, I go to look for old "norms" and habits, and I felt wordless and just feeling my feelings when I've usually got something ready to respond with.

It feels (kind of) like UD, and I've been thinking of UD lately. UD did its wonders when I'd normally seek to put on my social face, but it would check me when I was openly lying to myself and others. I felt the panicky reminders to "look good" today, although I was tired. But today, I was in a mindset to space myself from interaction rather than encourage it. I began 2 different conversations today which took off nicely with others around, and a minute or 2 in, I'd vacate quietly from their presence. I felt a quiet need to rest and heal my mind without so much dialogue today.

Even now, after writing, I'm seeking some face, some good looking "really not me" face. Lying sucks. It takes too much damn energy to constantly be seeking and maintaining lies. This is the old me surfacing, E2 is running, so it's being worked on.

[findingme]

Going deeper means more truth is surfacing, and not family stuff. In my last post, I wrote about me seeing me lying to myself. I woke up slowly this morning, put on some music, and got in my shower.

When I listen to my thinking, it's closely tied to my feelings. I keep trying to separate my feelings (which run me mostly) from what I think. I don't know why I learned that, but I did see that a lot growing up (just pictured that).

I'm a feeler. An INFP. This is who I am. I enjoy intellectual pursuits, but not devoid of feelings. In any environment (school, work, church), if the message is to ignore my feelings, I estrange myself from the people or even that institution.

In fact, I read something in a recovery reader lately which might be controversial in light of Shannon's sub goals presently. The writer was sharing about how a different perspective is always possible. The controversial part is he shared that even all the fear he faced going forward forced him to rely on his Rule 4 character, and that pursuit really grew him. It said to me fear is not all bad; it is often used to guide me to do things I'd avoided before being in that emotional battle. Or avoid things not in my best interest.

I'm grateful I can write here this morning. Heading out to work now.

[findingme]

Hey Infinite,

I've not responded much to your recent replies, but......I'm seeing myself avoiding other women in my life, and you popped up in my thread. This morning I realized, gently, what I'm doing.

I'm still trying to avoid failing. It's why I didn't reply back. It's the same thinking I wrote about last week, associating any woman with my mother. With women, I get nervous when in casual conversations with attractive women thinking about the negative possibilities (rejection mostly) I could create in the minutes I'm around them.

I need to admit this for ME, as my secrets aren't fun and are not helping me.

Fearing failing is still on the table for me, and I'm going to apologize to, and share with my buddy tonight why I fought him last week. It's the same root.

I apologize for leaving you hanging in our discussion.

[Infinite]

Everybody goes through fears of rejection, that's very normal.

You posted something that I can relate to and hopefully help, so I replied. There have been great people on this forum who replied to my posts. Gave me wonderful advice that I felt good about, They had great insight. I didn't really know what to say to them, so instead of responding, I just "liked" their post. This is a casual thread, and if we can help each other, that's great.