I don't know why really, but I've been listening to old songs which are touching me. Whitney Houston, Celine Dion, Josh Groban........just listening and crying in spurts. Some fears have obviously dropped, and I'm sensing this vacuum pulling me to heal old misunderstandings I've had. I feel it's attached to all relationships with women, because fear has ended most of them before they ever even started.
I'm tender right now.
Maybe...didn't really consider this...but my ex-wife called me since I texted her letting her know I'm on COVID quarantine for at least a week since it's likely how long it'll take to get my test results back. I've thought of her recently, moreso since she's dating a guy who she first described as having a very close temperament to me. I've thought of her since.....well, I'm realizing while fear held me back from loving her, I also blocked her repeatedly from loving me. I think of some key times I shot down her advances.
I hung on our call longer than normal, enjoying hearing her laugh at my stupid jokes. It was nice. I'm feeling some of that loss now though, which I've never really felt in the last 9 years or so (we were separated 3 years pre-divorce).
I've connected with that feeling too since I've spoken on the phone with half a dozen female insurance or medical specialists in the last 24 hours. I realize I hung on with them too when possible, finding out how I relate to women in general. I had some laughing, some lingering. It was sweet. Even the cashier I had to buy bananas from at Publix this afternoon seemed to linger too. Unexpected.
But I'm finding out all my emotional "NO!'s" to my ex in times past hurt me too. I'm sorry I did that--to her, and also to myself. I denied someone loving me. I am a real mush right now. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm doing some healing now, and am glad I'm allowing it. This is really meaningful--to me.
I'm tender right now.
Maybe...didn't really consider this...but my ex-wife called me since I texted her letting her know I'm on COVID quarantine for at least a week since it's likely how long it'll take to get my test results back. I've thought of her recently, moreso since she's dating a guy who she first described as having a very close temperament to me. I've thought of her since.....well, I'm realizing while fear held me back from loving her, I also blocked her repeatedly from loving me. I think of some key times I shot down her advances.
I hung on our call longer than normal, enjoying hearing her laugh at my stupid jokes. It was nice. I'm feeling some of that loss now though, which I've never really felt in the last 9 years or so (we were separated 3 years pre-divorce).
I've connected with that feeling too since I've spoken on the phone with half a dozen female insurance or medical specialists in the last 24 hours. I realize I hung on with them too when possible, finding out how I relate to women in general. I had some laughing, some lingering. It was sweet. Even the cashier I had to buy bananas from at Publix this afternoon seemed to linger too. Unexpected.
But I'm finding out all my emotional "NO!'s" to my ex in times past hurt me too. I'm sorry I did that--to her, and also to myself. I denied someone loving me. I am a real mush right now. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm doing some healing now, and am glad I'm allowing it. This is really meaningful--to me.
I want to be FREE!
