Emotional Pain Relief and Healing Aid 5g

[Ruffian]

Day 13

I have to say upfront that I only allowed two sub-free days between Anger Management and Emotional Pain Relief. Also, the second anniversary of the death of someone very dear to me is coming up. And the preparations leading up to a yearly event that was held last weekend also occurs in January. This is a very emotional, and stressful time of year for me.

So, around four or five days in to EPRHA, I began experiencing anger. Serious, screaming and yelling in my car, anger.

Also around this time, I had a dream. In it, two people were picking up fruit that had fallen to the ground. They were taking all the best fruit, and leaving all the rotting fruit on the ground. I initially interpreted this as a belief on my part that some people feel entitled to take without producing, and take the best, with no consideration for anyone else. Over the next week, however, I began to understand it more as an allegorical dream. The two people in my dream appeared as gray, indistinct figures. And they were going for the best fruit on the ground, the “easy pickings.” But what about the fruit on the tree? My interpretation evolved: the two people were actually dead. Dead on the inside. The dead people were hoarding the dead fruit. And how few are the people who will make the necessary effort to actually pick the fruit from the tree of life?

While I'm on the subject of dreams, I also had a dream about the yearly event. What was extraordinary is that it was pretty much the exact same dream that I had last year before the event. I'm still trying to work out what it means, but there's definitely something there.

On to the event. Before the event preparations began, I made some predictions to a friend about what a certain other participant would do during the preparations, and during the event itself. And when the person did exactly that, my friend verified that I had been correct. I had a lot of (wait for it) anger coming up over this participant's behavior. And I realized it was about the same issues present in my dream- people who feel entitled to take without producing, and take the best, with no consideration for anyone else.

I'm going to jump here to the second anniversary of the death of my dear one. Certainly, the first year after the death was most difficult in terms of grieving. By the second year I was much more at peace. But coming up on the anniversary, I again was feeling sadness, depression, and guilt and remorse. From this , I came away with a question, and a realization.

The question(s): Why am I always linking sadness and depression? Is it a similarity of vibrational frequency? Is it a misinterpretation by my conscious mind of what I'm feeling? Is there actually a difference between sadness and depression? What's up with that?

The realization: Remorse can be a good thing. Not that I feel guilty about any external “rules” or dictates, and not that it is something to wallow in or get stuck in. But the impulse to remorse can be a guidepost as to where I have missed the mark. In this case, it was not so much a matter of having done something wrong, but more of not having done the things (or more of the things) that I wish I had. I can use this remorse over having fallen short of being the person I wish to be, bring it into the present, and bring into manifestation those qualities and attributes that I wish I had been able to offer in abundance to my loved one: kindness, appreciation, support, lovingness, acceptance, encouragement.

But enough about that. Let's get back to...anger! After the yearly event, I realized I was quite adept at seeing other people's patterns, but not my own. It became clear to me when I saw myself becoming angry at work over the same issues- people who feel entitled to take without producing, and take the best, with no consideration for others. I realized that this condition or situation is one for which my subconscious is always on alert. I also started to see that I am not the only one who suffers at the hands of these “dead people.” Others, people who have a spark, also endure these conditions. It is imperative for me to be present, without reaction. When I am in reaction, I have no choice. But when I can be present in the moment, I can bring forward the fruits of my remorse. I can help others, and myself, by offering support, encouragement, a joke to lighten the mood. That is the person I wish to be.

I would probably be remiss not to mention a dream that I had when I was on retreat last summer. Suffice it to say that it was a very creepy dream. What came into my mind right before I woke up was “they're already dead, and they don't know it.” So some of these things were already in play before EPRHA.

I know EPRHA is supposed to be gentler than OGSF. That has not been the case for me so far. It's becoming apparent that anger is my main line of defense against fear. When I realized that 'let the dead bury the dead' is not a metaphor, well, it's pretty horrifying. It's no wonder that my anger has been in overdrive.

On the plus side, things are definitely getting shaken up, and it seems like a lot of “stuckness” has started to move and shift. I'm having some major new understandings, and seem to be making new connections, and expanding and re-framing context. The ride so far certainly hasn't been smooth or easy. But I am well-pleased with my new-found direction and insights. It feels like I am getting closer to...???

I leave you with this: These are my personal experiences. Your mileage may vary. Believe nothing, verify everything. Personally, I'm gonna go get a t-shirt that says “I see dead people.”

Next update when there's more to tell.