EP UMS JOURNAL

[EvolvingPhoenix]

So... I'd been putting in job applications to 2 different Publix locations. The one within walking distance of my house was my first choice, but the manager said they weren't hiring. I just now got a call from that same Publix telling me they're interested in a meeting on Monday at 12 PM. I accepted.

I hope I get thus job. Publix is VERY flexible and treats their workers well!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I think this is the result of UMS! It's really working, despite my resistances! Imagine how good UMSv2 is gonna be!

[Ale]

That's amazing news man! way to go!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thanks man!

[Shannon]

Publix is a great company to work for. They game me my first job, and I was proud to work for them, since they were (and as far as I can tell, still are) the best grocer on the block where they have stores open.

Best of luck! I don't know if they still have employee stock options, but if they do, jump all over that.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Haha I will, and they do. Thanks

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'm currently looking up ways I'll be able to turn small amounts of money into larger amounts of money. Seems there are some options for me. One app that rounds up credit/debit card spending and invests it or saves it or something. Can't quite remember. I'm also looking at some investmwnt apps and deciding which one to go with. The best one seems to have a $500 minimum entrance amd they handle your first 5000 for free. And have cheap rates after that. Makes investment super simple. They're called "Robo advisors"

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 1 of carpetbombing. Feeling tired. Although I DID go to sleep late last night. That might explain it.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

When I get the chance, I'm gonna dp some of the stuff listed on this site: https://www.moneyunder30.com/start-inves...ttle-money

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I am... Constantly in this weird state that's hard to describe. It's like... Underneath the surface, these majour issues regarding self esteem, guilt, shame, fear, disappointment, and feelings of helplessness to change it all exist, but on the surface, I mostly have a really blunted emotional affect about it. Like I'm just bored. But underneath it is a well of dissatisfaction and unhappiness with what seems like a lid being kept shut on it. I want to reach a point where I truly feel wortht of the love, acceptance and mutual attraction I didn't get in the past. But right now, even with all my recent success, I feel like a failure. I feel like a loser. I feel like I'm "not good enough" and it's making me sad. Although that emotion too, is blunted. There's just this constant low key depression, colouring (or I should say "discolouring") everything. I feel like I need distraction to get my mind off of it, but I know that fixes nothing.

Yeah. "Low key depression" is what to call it. I guess it isn't too complicated to explain after all...

[EvolvingPhoenix]

So I'm in bed, trying to do a metta meditation (loving kindness meditation) to build that part of myself. I felt it really necessary for my own self healing. Dad keeps interrupting and badgering me, ruining my focus and forcing me to start completely over. He finally comes to confront me abkut it (after efusing to listen to my responses saying I'll do it later, in my own time) and leaves my door wide open, which I ask him not to do. He says "Then get up and do this and that" I say "I will... Later" to which he responds "Okay, then I'll close your door later. I really wish I was using a directional reflection shield right now. So dad's attempts at control immediately backfired on himself.

I'm going to get up, lock the door, and restart the metta meditation process. I NEED this right now, for my own healing.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Dad right now, yelling from across the house "You're gonna make ME do it. You're gonna FUCKING MAKE ME do it! Thanks for all the help!" This guilt trip tactic is nothing new. It is quite common. If I don't IMMEDIATELY do as asked, at beck and call, I must not be willing to do it ever, and therefore am "making" others do the work that they are impatient to see done. I say, if you must have the work done RIGHT NOW, then yes. YOU will have to do it. If you are willing to wait, and have some faith in me, I will do it, in my own timing. I will NOT be controlled and I am NOT a servant. I do not do whatever the master and mistress command, at their beck and call. I have my own life, my own priorities, my own shit to do and my own timing for things I do. If it does not meet my parents' expectations, that is too bad for them. I do not exist to meet THEIR expectations. I exist to meet MY OWN.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Been dealing with depression ALL DAY. Haven't eaten either all day. I am working on self love, self forgiveness, metta meditation and trying to heal wounds in my heart chakra. Especially surrounding the friendship breakup. I'm trying to open my heart to this exfriend and just love her unconditionally, but I feel blocked. Blocked by pain and fear and sadness. I dunno how to fix this.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

As time passes today, my pain increases. HOW DO I HEAL THIS?!