08-15-2015, 07:37 AM
After taking a break for a couple of days to collect my thoughts I've realized there's a lot that goes on underneath the conscious mind. And sometimes it's to the point where I'm not even aware of it.
Basically that means that I have to be brutally honest with myself, even if it hurts. I can't keep living in denial of the very real issues that hold me back. It feels good to believe that everything is going well, but when that delusion is shattered, it's a really jarring wake up call.
The truth is I've been watching my life from third person for a while now. And I think that's just due to the enormous amount of stress I'm under and I've never had a healthy way of coping with it. I don't know how to describe it other than you live your life, but there's a subtle feeling that the life you live isn't real. In the back of your head you think, "One day things will be fine and I won't have to worry anymore", but you become further and further detached until you don't understand what it means to live. The problem is that I numbed out the anxiety and stress, but I also detached from my emotions a lot. Essentially I detached from myself as a person. When you do that it's almost like you lose your understanding of what you're supposed to be doing on this planet. Everything seems meaningless because there is no more connection. You can't target negative emotions exclusively, if you blunt yourself emotionally, it applies to everything. The biggest problem with this is outwardly it will look like you're productive or holding it together, but inside it's like your soul is dying.
I don't know if anyone has done research on Enneagram personality types, but I found out recently that I'm an Enneagram 9. And I was reading up on it and I encountered a paragraph that described me perfectly.
I know this is really accurate because when I was around 16 I lived in that state of false spiritual attainment for a while. The irony is that spirituality is seen as this light sort of thing, but the reality was I was in the darkest times of my life at that age. I didn't transcend anything. Also for as long as I can remember I've valued peace and tranquility, internally and externally. The problem is when I ran into issues or problems I wouldn't address the problems and instead I'd just kind of assert this fake inner peace on myself and hope things resolved themselves. Obviously it didn't work. Also this insistence on everything needing to be peaceful and tranquil has caused me to be averse to any potential challenges or frustrations as they endangered that false sense of peace. So naturally there were aspects of my emotions I deemed "wrong" which is not healthy at all.
All in all I've developed a highly dysfunctional way of managing my emotions and perceptions of my own life over the years that I need to unlearn. Even writing this all out I feel like part of me is saying I'm exaggerating, but that's just my defense mechanism kicking in and trying to sweep it all under the rug.
Basically that means that I have to be brutally honest with myself, even if it hurts. I can't keep living in denial of the very real issues that hold me back. It feels good to believe that everything is going well, but when that delusion is shattered, it's a really jarring wake up call.
The truth is I've been watching my life from third person for a while now. And I think that's just due to the enormous amount of stress I'm under and I've never had a healthy way of coping with it. I don't know how to describe it other than you live your life, but there's a subtle feeling that the life you live isn't real. In the back of your head you think, "One day things will be fine and I won't have to worry anymore", but you become further and further detached until you don't understand what it means to live. The problem is that I numbed out the anxiety and stress, but I also detached from my emotions a lot. Essentially I detached from myself as a person. When you do that it's almost like you lose your understanding of what you're supposed to be doing on this planet. Everything seems meaningless because there is no more connection. You can't target negative emotions exclusively, if you blunt yourself emotionally, it applies to everything. The biggest problem with this is outwardly it will look like you're productive or holding it together, but inside it's like your soul is dying.
I don't know if anyone has done research on Enneagram personality types, but I found out recently that I'm an Enneagram 9. And I was reading up on it and I encountered a paragraph that described me perfectly.
Quote:Nines demonstrate the universal temptation to ignore the disturbing aspects of life and to seek some degree of peace and comfort by “numbing out.” They respond to pain and suffering by attempting to live in a state of premature peacefulness, whether it is in a state of false spiritual attainment, or in more gross denial. More than any other type, Nines demonstrate the tendency to run away from the paradoxes and tensions of life by attempting to transcend them or by seeking to find simple and painless solutions to their problems.
I know this is really accurate because when I was around 16 I lived in that state of false spiritual attainment for a while. The irony is that spirituality is seen as this light sort of thing, but the reality was I was in the darkest times of my life at that age. I didn't transcend anything. Also for as long as I can remember I've valued peace and tranquility, internally and externally. The problem is when I ran into issues or problems I wouldn't address the problems and instead I'd just kind of assert this fake inner peace on myself and hope things resolved themselves. Obviously it didn't work. Also this insistence on everything needing to be peaceful and tranquil has caused me to be averse to any potential challenges or frustrations as they endangered that false sense of peace. So naturally there were aspects of my emotions I deemed "wrong" which is not healthy at all.
All in all I've developed a highly dysfunctional way of managing my emotions and perceptions of my own life over the years that I need to unlearn. Even writing this all out I feel like part of me is saying I'm exaggerating, but that's just my defense mechanism kicking in and trying to sweep it all under the rug.
