07-30-2015, 09:14 AM
I think I've made some progress. After coming to the realization that I'm not comfortable with my emotions I've been very dedicated to feeling them lately and letting them play out. One of my worst fears is getting swept away in the emotions and losing control, but I've realized that's just a fear and not true. I can allow my emotions to play out naturally, but also reevaluate what I'm feeling and change it. It didn't occur to me how poor my acceptance towards my own emotions was.
For example, lately my job search has been pretty crappy. I inevitably get into a somewhat dark place if I spend too much time searching and not getting anywhere. In the past when negative thoughts that it was hopeless would pop up I'd label it a negative thought and try to push it away because everything I've ever read online emphasizes the benefits of not thinking negatively. But that doesn't diffuse the energy of the negative thoughts. Instead I allow it as much as possible, I'll even encourage myself to go to the darkest parts of my mind and let it all out. I'll completely remove resistance to the idea of "being negative". After, I sit with the feeling for a while and let it go. I recognize that it's only emotions in my body and I ultimately can decide to take them as the truth or look for something better.
All in all I'm realizing that there's a lot I ignored emotionally. It's built up over the years and every time I sat down with it, it was so overwhelming and painful it would cause me to close up again. I went through a very rough week of just staying open no matter what and telling myself it would pass and this wasn't a state of permanence.
Also I realized there's never going to be an epiphany that solves every one of my problems. Even these realizations are no guarantee that I'll keep having good days. But as long as I hold the intention of letting things pass and striving for being better it's pretty much inevitable that I'll keep moving that way. The greatest skill I'm learning is letting go of resistance because resistance is what usually causes the pain, not the emotions themselves. As a former "positive thinker" I've found that most of my thoughts weren't truly positive. They were just obsessive to the point of running away from the negative.
For example, lately my job search has been pretty crappy. I inevitably get into a somewhat dark place if I spend too much time searching and not getting anywhere. In the past when negative thoughts that it was hopeless would pop up I'd label it a negative thought and try to push it away because everything I've ever read online emphasizes the benefits of not thinking negatively. But that doesn't diffuse the energy of the negative thoughts. Instead I allow it as much as possible, I'll even encourage myself to go to the darkest parts of my mind and let it all out. I'll completely remove resistance to the idea of "being negative". After, I sit with the feeling for a while and let it go. I recognize that it's only emotions in my body and I ultimately can decide to take them as the truth or look for something better.
All in all I'm realizing that there's a lot I ignored emotionally. It's built up over the years and every time I sat down with it, it was so overwhelming and painful it would cause me to close up again. I went through a very rough week of just staying open no matter what and telling myself it would pass and this wasn't a state of permanence.
Also I realized there's never going to be an epiphany that solves every one of my problems. Even these realizations are no guarantee that I'll keep having good days. But as long as I hold the intention of letting things pass and striving for being better it's pretty much inevitable that I'll keep moving that way. The greatest skill I'm learning is letting go of resistance because resistance is what usually causes the pain, not the emotions themselves. As a former "positive thinker" I've found that most of my thoughts weren't truly positive. They were just obsessive to the point of running away from the negative.
