06-18-2015, 09:18 AM
Reality kind of slapped me in the face these past few days. I was doing pretty well and making forward progress, I thought I had my anxiety under control. But I've realized although it's better and I don't get a racing heart or anything, it's like this chronic tension. To be honest it's exhausting and it's very involuntary. Relaxing doesn't work and the longer I'm in that anxiety provoking event, the more time I need to recover. The problem is, life doesn't work like that. So here's what's been going on.
I got this sort of part time job working with this contractor. It's only been three days, but there was a lot of heavy lifting and manual labor. The first day was like adrenal overload, I'm always anxious with new or unfamiliar things, but I managed. The second day I was really exhausted from both the physical work and the anxiety the previous day and the anxiety that was still around. The third day I woke up with an awful migraine, went to work anyway to see if I could work it off. It just got worse and laboring through the tasks was torture.
I don't know if I can do this. I'm not ashamed to say that I'm probably not cut out for intense physical labor. Screw it, if I'm less of a man for not being able to keep up with other guys I don't care. It doesn't work. And I think the reason is because of my anxiety. I'm trying not to use it as an excuse here, but it really does weaken my body and delay my ability to recover properly.
The only upside to all this is I finally feel like I pushed some boundaries that I was afraid of and now other jobs don't seem like they would be as bad. Still one of my major stumbling blocks is my intense fatigue getting up in the mornings combined with depression. 8 hours of sleep isn't enough for me. I don't know if that's me or if it's because I'm running this subliminal. But I tend to land myself into a bad cycle where waking up in the morning feels so awful, I'm anxious going to sleep. And this anxiety ruins my sleep quality.
And one more thing. I was talking to the older guy I was working with at the job site and I realized I severely undervalue myself. I mean his impression of me was that I had a good head on my shoulders and based on that alone I was better off than a lot of other workers out there. I've had people tell me I'm a great worker, reliable, smart, but it's never felt genuine to me. And I think this is still tied to my self worth issues, which I'm realizing are still around.
Anyway before this gets any longer. I'm still struggling with a lot of stuff. The biggest problem is that pushing isn't always the answer, because sometimes it makes things worse. People have this misconception that if you keep pushing and pushing eventually you break free. But I've found more often than not it just leads to burnout and you're in a worse place. I'll have to see what happens. Worst thing is I do a few more jobs with the contractor and let the guy know I can't handle it. He's better off with someone that can anyway.
I got this sort of part time job working with this contractor. It's only been three days, but there was a lot of heavy lifting and manual labor. The first day was like adrenal overload, I'm always anxious with new or unfamiliar things, but I managed. The second day I was really exhausted from both the physical work and the anxiety the previous day and the anxiety that was still around. The third day I woke up with an awful migraine, went to work anyway to see if I could work it off. It just got worse and laboring through the tasks was torture.
I don't know if I can do this. I'm not ashamed to say that I'm probably not cut out for intense physical labor. Screw it, if I'm less of a man for not being able to keep up with other guys I don't care. It doesn't work. And I think the reason is because of my anxiety. I'm trying not to use it as an excuse here, but it really does weaken my body and delay my ability to recover properly.
The only upside to all this is I finally feel like I pushed some boundaries that I was afraid of and now other jobs don't seem like they would be as bad. Still one of my major stumbling blocks is my intense fatigue getting up in the mornings combined with depression. 8 hours of sleep isn't enough for me. I don't know if that's me or if it's because I'm running this subliminal. But I tend to land myself into a bad cycle where waking up in the morning feels so awful, I'm anxious going to sleep. And this anxiety ruins my sleep quality.
And one more thing. I was talking to the older guy I was working with at the job site and I realized I severely undervalue myself. I mean his impression of me was that I had a good head on my shoulders and based on that alone I was better off than a lot of other workers out there. I've had people tell me I'm a great worker, reliable, smart, but it's never felt genuine to me. And I think this is still tied to my self worth issues, which I'm realizing are still around.
Anyway before this gets any longer. I'm still struggling with a lot of stuff. The biggest problem is that pushing isn't always the answer, because sometimes it makes things worse. People have this misconception that if you keep pushing and pushing eventually you break free. But I've found more often than not it just leads to burnout and you're in a worse place. I'll have to see what happens. Worst thing is I do a few more jobs with the contractor and let the guy know I can't handle it. He's better off with someone that can anyway.
