EIP and Max learning, achieving some goals

[mat422]

So I pretty much further deconstructed in my head what sensitivity is for me. I've realized that maybe I am more sensitive, but ultimately it's my reaction to external events that influences my mood and stress levels. I may not be able to brush things off as easily as other people, but I can certainly work at getting better at being non-reactive to negative events or anxiety provoking events in general.

Basically if I can get to a position where I'm ok with myself and don't feel that internal pressure to twist myself to conform to different environments, I feel like I could thrive in almost any environment. I have a very bad habit of people pleasing behavior. This stems from my more quiet nature and how over the years I'd always get people prodding me for answers on why I was so quiet or assuming I was aloof. So essentially who I am naturally has been covered up over the years in order to make other people more comfortable around me at the expense of my own comfort. I'm pretty much sick of it. And they didn't do this to me, I did it to myself.

The other thing I realized is my aversion to being more dominant has kind of faded away because I understand how brutal and uncaring people out in the real world can be. Generally I am a caring and humble person, I don't want to feel like I'm intimidating in anyway. But sometimes other people see that as weakness and you just become a target. If you don't give off that subtle vibe of "Don't mess with me" they think it's ok to push you around or take advantage of you. I'd rather avoid all the petty stuff and give them a warning sign right off the bat.

In general I detest power dynamics and playing the who's got more power game. It's why I really dislike any authority figures. We're all humans, just because you're higher up in some managerial system doesn't make you better than me. Sometimes you just need that little bit of edge to make it in this world. I wish it wasn't the case, but sadly a lot of my idealistic visions of this world don't match up with reality. I never really realized just how important some of the concepts in the alpha training were because I was coming from my own perspective and failed to realize what it's really like out in the world and how you need these traits if you don't want to be chewed up and spit out.

Seriously man, you sound like you could be my identical twin or another me. Hahahah it's not even funny at this point, no jokes. Keep going though man, I love what you've written here. If you don't mind me asking, when is your birthday?

Haha, yeah it's always crazy how two different people can share such a similar experience. Just goes to show how certain personalities are treated in this world. My birthday is april 22 1991.

Hahah tell me about it, pretty crazy. Ah so you're a taurus :p I'm a cancer. Btw way back, I used to be into astrology but back then I thought those aspects are things you can't change; as if it's set in stone. Now that I know this isn't the case, I look at it as a helpful resource. I started using astrology to help me figure out my signs weaknesses and they've been pretty spot on. It's been helpful for me in that sense if you want to look into it to help you on your journey.

Either way, I'm happy for all your changes and realizations bro I bet it feels great to come to realize these things aye? I look forward to further updates because reading them help me reaffirm certain things for myself as well. So thanks for taking the time to share them as they are happening!

Astrology has always been interesting to me. But like you I tend to think that things are set in stone at times. I have to be in the right headspace when I read about that kind of stuff, otherwise I latch onto it as a form of security. It can be tough determining what are traits you're born with and which ones have come about because of life circumstances and beliefs.

It's always good when I get those epiphanies. Glad my posts help you out. Speaking of which I've realized another one.

I've been thinking about anxiety and my relationship with it. I honestly hate anxiety. So when I read advice like just accept it and allow it, I have a bit of trouble doing that. But my reaction to anxiety itself is just as much a problem as the anxious behavior. In my case I feel like there's been a lot of shame associated with having anxiety because it makes me weak somehow. There seems to be two components to my anxiety.

One has to do with myself. A kind of fear of negative evaluation from others, rejection, all that kind of stuff. It's mostly a fear of getting hurt. I find it hard to kind of just be open around people. This one goes a lot deeper. This one is the one that makes it hard for me to build strong bonds with people and be myself.

The other is my reaction to anxiety itself. By trying to fight the anxiety all the time I just create more anxiety and burn myself out. The fact is that I can't will myself to stop anxiety, if it's going to happen it's going to happen. It's like standing in front of a huge wave in the ocean and thinking I can stand up to it without being bulldozed down. In a way it sounds like a defeated attitude, but I've been around anxiety a lot and experience has shown me that you do not control your emotional state. You can certainly control your reaction to it, but the actual emotional state you can't.

So where that leaves me. Working on accepting my anxiety and realizing my fight with it only makes it worse. And continuing to listen to the subliminal to address the more deeper root causes of why I have the anxiety in the first place. I think it's been so hard for me because I want to get rid of the anxiety so bad and I wasn't accepting that it takes time and I can't force myself to be anxiety free. Even typing this now in the back of my head I keep thinking that it's wrong and accepting anxiety is wrong because it means I didn't solve it. It shows how much resistance I still have to it and how much mental effort is spent trying to suppress it.

It's funny because I see parallels with my self improvement and music. A lot of the time I avoid my music because I feel it's not good enough and forget that it takes a while to improve and get better. In the meantime I have to accept where I am skill wise. It's the same for my self improvement, I have trouble seeing this as a long term thing. I think one day it'll all just click and I'll be perfectly ok. But the truth is I can't force myself to change any faster than I'm able to. That's really important to keep in mind, especially on the days that are worse. It's way too easy to take one mistake or upset and forget it's just a small snapshot in time and it's not permanent. No doubt this is again my perfectionist mentality imposing itself on my life. I think I'm very driven towards being the best I can be, but I have to learn to balance it and also acknowledge that it's perfectly fine if I'm not there yet, all that matters is that I keep striving for it.