Man, it's easy to forget things and fall into bad habits. I just realized that part of my problems is resistance to allowing myself to be a successful self motivated individual. I tell myself I'm not, but I honestly have never tried allowing myself to be one of those types of people. It's like I'm still wrapped up in an identity of being incompetent. It's like I have to remind myself to wake up and not fall back into that state of identity.
And just to show how multi layered these issues go sometimes, here's an example. One of my defense mechanisms growing up was apathy. Big test coming up that challenges my self worth as a person? Just say I didn't try my hardest on it, that way I have a copout for why I did so poorly. Important essay to write? Call the essay stupid, worthless, doesn't matter, etc. Also even when I did get really good grades or a teacher praised my essay I didn't care. Grades didn't matter. I shut out both the good and the bad because the bad hurt a lot. Now I'm finding that I've taken that same attitude and it's being applied to jobs. I'm really starting to uncover a lot of self worth issues, that I've masked with apathy. But the important thing is I'm not dwelling on being worthless, I'm kind of viewing it as behavior that just needs to change. So instead of telling myself I can't do something or I'm not that type of person as a knee jerk response, I'm going to question where it's coming from and why I believe that.
I guess when you live with a certain mindset for a while it's obviously gonna stick to you. And the problem is it's habitual, so you'll find yourself doing these things with no conscious awareness unless you really look.
Case in point, I'm typing out the post and meanwhile in the back of my head I'm hearing "You're not really making any progress, this is all a lie, you're going to maintain this for a few days and then crash and burn. Stop pretending about being happy because the truth is you're always gonna be miserable. You can't do this". I mean typing that out, it's clear to me that either A. This is just my subconscious mind coming up with tactics to keep me stuck because the change is scary or B. I really have a tendency to think all these negative things about myself. Either way it needs to change because my quality of living sucks and I'm tired of it.
And I just realized I don't need to change my internal dialogue. I can just stop resisting those negative thoughts, let them play out like a child throwing a temper tantrum, then let it go. No need to engage it. The more I work on myself the more I realize that actively resisting things is always a bad idea. Even the negative that pops up, it's good to immerse yourself in it and let it go. I'm getting better at that, definitely thanks to EPRHA.
And just to show how multi layered these issues go sometimes, here's an example. One of my defense mechanisms growing up was apathy. Big test coming up that challenges my self worth as a person? Just say I didn't try my hardest on it, that way I have a copout for why I did so poorly. Important essay to write? Call the essay stupid, worthless, doesn't matter, etc. Also even when I did get really good grades or a teacher praised my essay I didn't care. Grades didn't matter. I shut out both the good and the bad because the bad hurt a lot. Now I'm finding that I've taken that same attitude and it's being applied to jobs. I'm really starting to uncover a lot of self worth issues, that I've masked with apathy. But the important thing is I'm not dwelling on being worthless, I'm kind of viewing it as behavior that just needs to change. So instead of telling myself I can't do something or I'm not that type of person as a knee jerk response, I'm going to question where it's coming from and why I believe that.
I guess when you live with a certain mindset for a while it's obviously gonna stick to you. And the problem is it's habitual, so you'll find yourself doing these things with no conscious awareness unless you really look.
Case in point, I'm typing out the post and meanwhile in the back of my head I'm hearing "You're not really making any progress, this is all a lie, you're going to maintain this for a few days and then crash and burn. Stop pretending about being happy because the truth is you're always gonna be miserable. You can't do this". I mean typing that out, it's clear to me that either A. This is just my subconscious mind coming up with tactics to keep me stuck because the change is scary or B. I really have a tendency to think all these negative things about myself. Either way it needs to change because my quality of living sucks and I'm tired of it.
And I just realized I don't need to change my internal dialogue. I can just stop resisting those negative thoughts, let them play out like a child throwing a temper tantrum, then let it go. No need to engage it. The more I work on myself the more I realize that actively resisting things is always a bad idea. Even the negative that pops up, it's good to immerse yourself in it and let it go. I'm getting better at that, definitely thanks to EPRHA.
