12-21-2014, 04:40 PM
Well here goes a sort of stream of consciousness rant. I've been in the self improvement game for a while now. Tons of methods, techniques, theories, etc. At one point I was a full blown addict, bouncing from one thing to the next searching for a solution. Nothing ever made much of a meaningful impact.
But last night as I was about to go to sleep I just gave up and let myself feel whatever I felt. I stopped worrying about thinking positive or being a strong person. I stopped putting so much pressure on myself to fix myself. I stopped resisting my negative feelings, and acknowledged how I truly felt. I think with men in particular it's sometimes hard to let down your guard, even when alone. We're always told to be tough and fight and not give in to "weak" feelings. Anyway, there was a sort of wave of emotions and then a feeling of draining in my chest. Like all the painful stuff was being dissolved away. It was a good feeling. Unfortunately I can't say that this made a huge impact in my life, but the following day I didn't feel as weighed down or like I was fighting every second of the day.
The thing I took away from this was that I had a false belief that I had control over my emotions, when really I was just exhibiting a form of repression. I realized things leave when they are ready to leave, you can't force the process. And it only caused more internal struggle when I fought against the negative feelings I had. Part of me still wants to be this super human being where nothing effects me in a negative way. I think it's just a reflection of not being comfortable with being a human being and having flaws. So now I just focus on letting myself feel what I need to feel and trusting that my subconscious knows what to do to resolve it.
There's a certain fear when it comes to fully feeling my emotions. I worry that if I allow it, I'll get sucked into it and stuck. Or I'll lose control. But I've found as long as my intention is to release it, fully experiencing it doesn't cause any issues. It's only when I hold the belief that it's a permanent feeling that I run into trouble, but I've come to realize that all things pass if given enough time.
But last night as I was about to go to sleep I just gave up and let myself feel whatever I felt. I stopped worrying about thinking positive or being a strong person. I stopped putting so much pressure on myself to fix myself. I stopped resisting my negative feelings, and acknowledged how I truly felt. I think with men in particular it's sometimes hard to let down your guard, even when alone. We're always told to be tough and fight and not give in to "weak" feelings. Anyway, there was a sort of wave of emotions and then a feeling of draining in my chest. Like all the painful stuff was being dissolved away. It was a good feeling. Unfortunately I can't say that this made a huge impact in my life, but the following day I didn't feel as weighed down or like I was fighting every second of the day.
The thing I took away from this was that I had a false belief that I had control over my emotions, when really I was just exhibiting a form of repression. I realized things leave when they are ready to leave, you can't force the process. And it only caused more internal struggle when I fought against the negative feelings I had. Part of me still wants to be this super human being where nothing effects me in a negative way. I think it's just a reflection of not being comfortable with being a human being and having flaws. So now I just focus on letting myself feel what I need to feel and trusting that my subconscious knows what to do to resolve it.
There's a certain fear when it comes to fully feeling my emotions. I worry that if I allow it, I'll get sucked into it and stuck. Or I'll lose control. But I've found as long as my intention is to release it, fully experiencing it doesn't cause any issues. It's only when I hold the belief that it's a permanent feeling that I run into trouble, but I've come to realize that all things pass if given enough time.
