EIP and Max learning, achieving some goals

[mat422]

I find a lot of people don't want to admit that their parents contributed to some of their dysfunctional beliefs if they grew up in a loving household. For a long time I've pretty much blamed myself for all my issues and held my parents in the light of perfection and never having done anything to cause me emotional pain. That contributed to a lot of guilt. Also it feels like I'm an overly sensitive person if I claim I experienced "emotional trauma" as a kid because I wasn't beaten or abused. I don't know what to call it.

But for some reason listening to this sub I remembered when I was a kid and went to my mom to talk with her and she ignored me. Instead of making a fuss and getting her to pay attention to me, I'd just close myself off and walk away. I've learned that I close myself off to love because in the past it was too painful to open up and have my emotions invalidated than stay closed off and not risk that. It was like gambling in a way. Some days she'd be open and some days she'd be closed off. After a while it was easier to not even bother. Same with my father, except he'd have a tendency to erupt in anger when I least expected so I was always guarded. One too many times of him yelling, apologizing, then continue yelling another day made me hesitant that he actually loved me.

I believe as a young kid if you don't get your emotional needs met by your mother you start to look for it in other women when you're older. That's why guys who are in relationships with women that are like their mother freaks me out. It's like they are filling some void in themselves and have the maturity of a young boy. Anyway when I was a teenager I was obsessed with girls. Not in the horny teenage way. I mean the emotionally fulfilled and validated way. Where most guys wanted to just have sex, I wanted to be loved. But rejection stung too much for me so I never even made any attempt to start a relationship with anyone or open up.

Now I only have a vague idea about the mind and how it works, but I'm assuming if I was in denial about all this for a long time that would prevent the clearing of the emotional problems. Only because every time my subconscious would attempt to release it, I'd push it back down due to guilt and feeling like I was blaming my parents for my issues. The more of this onion I peel back, the more I realized how tangled and interconnecting all these things are and how guilt can keep you from healing.

[Breeze]

I find a lot of people don't want to admit that their parents contributed to some of their dysfunctional beliefs if they grew up in a loving household. For a long time I've pretty much blamed myself for all my issues and held my parents in the light of perfection and never having done anything to cause me emotional pain. That contributed to a lot of guilt. Also it feels like I'm an overly sensitive person if I claim I experienced "emotional trauma" as a kid because I wasn't beaten or abused. I don't know what to call it.

You know, I was just thinking about it only a couple of days ago, there is this thought, "We should own our dysfunctions and take full responsibilities", but then most of the damage is done in childhood through parents, school or even rest of the family. We can't fool ourselves and take full credit for every good and bad that happened, but yes, in this moment, it is necessary to not to fall victim and awareness and acceptance is the first step. Good growth.

But for some reason listening to this sub I remembered when I was a kid and went to my mom to talk with her and she ignored me. Instead of making a fuss and getting her to pay attention to me, I'd just close myself off and walk away. I've learned that I close myself off to love because in the past it was too painful to open up and have my emotions invalidated than stay closed off and not risk that. It was like gambling in a way. Some days she'd be open and some days she'd be closed off. After a while it was easier to not even bother. Same with my father, except he'd have a tendency to erupt in anger when I least expected so I was always guarded. One too many times of him yelling, apologizing, then continue yelling another day made me hesitant that he actually loved me.

Same here, whenever I wanted to talk to my parents about anything, they would shut me off before I even opened my mouth. The abuse and all that, one just shut oneself off and create a habit of shutting off from love and all the wonderful positive emotions.

I believe as a young kid if you don't get your emotional needs met by your mother you start to look for it in other women when you're older. That's why guys who are in relationships with women that are like their mother freaks me out. It's like they are filling some void in themselves and have the maturity of a young boy. Anyway when I was a teenager I was obsessed with girls. Not in the horny teenage way. I mean the emotionally fulfilled and validated way. Where most guys wanted to just have sex, I wanted to be loved. But rejection stung too much for me so I never even made any attempt to start a relationship with anyone or open up.

It is exactly what I was thinking when I was reflecting upon my teen years and my view of girls. I was, too, obsessed with girls and I did not thought of them sexually. I just wanted to cuddle and all.

Now I only have a vague idea about the mind and how it works, but I'm assuming if I was in denial about all this for a long time that would prevent the clearing of the emotional problems. Only because every time my subconscious would attempt to release it, I'd push it back down due to guilt and feeling like I was blaming my parents for my issues. The more of this onion I peel back, the more I realized how tangled and interconnecting all these things are and how guilt can keep you from healing.

Spot on again, and good growth there.

[mat422]

So I've noticed a trend that I'm trying to break. Since I deal with anxiety and depression, things are hard for me. I want to say I'm over it, but it's like this thing that always looms around the corner. I'm not gonna say I'm past anxiety and depression until I feel without a doubt that I am.

That being said I compare myself to others too much. Any of you who struggle with depression know how hard it can be to be functional. Some days it feels like my body outright refuses to comply with me. I'm tired, can't focus, everything seems like a huge insurmountable task, even ridiculously small stuff like taking the dishes out of a dishwasher. It sucks because during this time when I'm feeling my lowest I tend to do the exact opposite of what I should be doing. Which would be going easy on myself and not beating myself up for dealing with this. Instead I cause myself more anxiety by telling myself I need to stop and forcing myself to do stuff in a way that just causes a ton of stress which prolongs the depression.

Imagine one of those wind up toys. I'll wind myself up to get through the day, but sometimes I get wound up too far. And like the toy I just break inside. At that point I've gone too far and I need time to recover. Unfortunately if you explain this to people they give you the yeah but you have to keep going and not ignore your responsibilities. Which I get. You need money to eat and have a place to live. But things like holding down a job, building your skills, focusing, pretty much doing anything productive becomes a huge hurdle to get over when depressed. Some days you can, other days it's damn near impossible. It's those damn near impossible days that really get to me.

Been having a think about my music too. I think I'm too reliant on it for my happiness. I mean I love making it, but at times it doesn't feel like I'm the one in control of calling the shots if that makes any sense. It's almost like I'm a slave to this idea that I need to make great music. And it probably doesn't help that this kind of mentality is praised in the artistic world. That artists need to suffer for their art, be perfectionists, be borderline self destructive because it shows their "passion". All just beliefs in my view, harmful ones at that. And I think it stems from basing my self worth way too much in an outside thing. It's good to be proud of goals and accomplishments, but it should never be the only thing defining your self worth.

I was reading the Lefkoe Method book and he has what he calls survival strategies. Pretty much exactly what I'm doing, chasing after being good enough at something to build my self worth as a person. On top of that when I operate out of the mistaken belief that I need music, I become blind to other opportunities out there or diminish the value of other enjoyable things.

[mat422]

So my life has been a bit hectic. My childhood home has been sold. I'm currently living in an apartment building. It's two floors, me and my brother get the lower and my dad and his gf get the upper. Not exactly completely independent, but it's progress.

So now that I'm paying rent I really need to find a job. I've been walking dogs on the side and I'm trying to get more clients for that. Feeling the squeeze from financial scarcity sucks. At least with walking dogs it's mostly me and the dogs. Maybe this is overly pessimistic, but the large majority of people disappoint me. Too much negativity, too much judgement, too much pettiness, etc. I'm not above it so to speak. I need to get to a point where that kind of behavior can be laughed off or seen as a game people play. But as things stand now I'm still deeply affected by the negative things others do and find it hard to cope.

I'm a reasonably intelligent person, but I have trouble applying myself to things I don't give a shit about. And there's a lot of that in my life unfortunately. I'm having trouble breaking out of that.

I've been hit with these waves of general unease lately. Just feeling like things are rigged and the whole system is screwed up. Probably my overly pessimistic views grabbing hold. But seriously, I want a way out. I'm still looking for one and it's been hard to find.

Most of all I just want to be myself and not care. No matter how many times I've told myself I'm close to that, I never feel like I am. There's always this subtle anxiety that follows me around across every interaction with people. And instead of letting go and being myself, I try to build up an impervious shield of armor so I don't become affected by people.

I've been without EPRHA for a few days now while I've unpacked things. But tonight I'm getting back on it.

But I really want to run alpha again. I haven't done it in a while. I saw an attractive girl I went to high school with today and all that ran through my head was that I wanted her to notice me and be interested in me. I wasn't even interested in her, I was only interested in getting validation from her. I just don't want that anymore. I don't want my self respect and overall worth tied to people's external opinions of me. I don't even care about being perceived as "alpha". All I want to do at this point is just live my life for myself and not care what others think so much. No matter how many times I tell myself to do that exact thing, it's like it never sinks in to an emotional level where I "get" it.

[mat422]

Sometimes I wonder what it's like to genuinely like oneself. Is it a good goal? Or is it one of those fleeting things that feels good and then leaves you craving more? I've tried loving myself or even not being so hard on myself but I feel like I don't deserve it. And there's no good reason why I don't deserve it. I just feel like I don't, like I'm not allowed or everyone else is the exception.

I keep listening to EPRHA and while it's helped, it still feels like I'm rejecting that last bit to allowing myself to heal. I'm starting to wonder if EPRHA can even tackle that or if I'm going to need something outside the subliminals. I don't know anymore. This whole process to me has been a mystery. I've just going on blind faith at this point. For all I know I'm not making a damn bit of difference at this point.

[mat422]

You know, I was having one of those days the other day when I thought about giving up on this subliminal. Questioning if it was doing anything, if there was a better solution, if maybe I should take a break, etc. A familiar pattern that I feel like I should know by now. But I guess the resistance really does present itself in hidden ways.

I know that what I'm striving for is good for me, but I still don't think my subconscious is in agreement. Whenever I listen to the subliminal I feel this tension develop in my body, like my mind is fighting back with the suggestions in the subliminal. I'm trying to remind myself that even though change is scary and venturing out into unfamiliar territory is uncomfortable, I really don't want to be confined to this prison I've built myself anymore. Even though it's "safe" here, it makes me miserable.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I've never had thick skin. I think that's part of my issue with accepting changes that get me out there. I know getting out more is the best thing for me in the long term. But my subconscious still thinks it's dangerous. I'm a grown adult with the mind of a child that's terrified of the outside world. In the past forcing myself into situations seems to have made it worse.

I don't really know the solution to this, but I do know telling myself to suck it up only works for a limited amount of time before I start reverting to old behaviors and avoidant behaviors. And comparing myself to others is a recipe for depression and anxiety so I'm trying to avoid that. Still it's hard not to feel like you're defective when you have trouble integrating into society and doing normal every day things that most people do with minimal effort.

[ArcticFox]

Dude thats normal for a lot of people. Some are Extroverts, some are Introverts.

There is a good book that details this, well worth a read: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Quiet-power-intr...0141029196

Also stick with these subs, then perhaps move onto ASC or OF once your done?

[ArcticFox]

There is nothing wrong with not being super chatty and outgoing all the time! There are massive advantages to be more observant, thoughtful, and sensitive.

Be true to yourself and learn to have an attitude of gratitude, even if you do think the world is against you, its hard but things will shift to be better for you.

[mat422]

Thanks guys. I have my moments on here and it's always nice to have other people who understand. These past few days I've been letting go of a lot of stuff and I've realized there's still a lot of guilt and shame left holding stuff in place. I have to start practicing self-compassion for myself again, I really fell off with that. But it made a huge difference in my day to day life when I took it easier on myself.

[mat422]

I'm starting to wonder if my parents struggle with life could have influenced me as a child and made me fear the world. I mean we weren't in poverty, but it kind of always seemed like both my parents were slaves to the system. Doing what they had to do to survive, but always longing for something more.

I read a post by Shannon in my journal that talks about asking where the fear comes from. I'm going to meditate on the why of the fear. It seems like now I'm just consumed by this big overwhelming sensation of fear but no sense of where it comes from. It would probably benefit me to break it down and attempt to change my perspective on some of those things.

I keep expecting the subliminal to handle it all on it's own, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm the type of personality that needs conscious intervention in order to change. I've looked over a lot of my old journals and it seems like I have the same sticking points that I never really break through. I'll be honest, it kinda sucks. This has been a recurring pattern in my life, watching things work pretty well for others and then me trying them and not really getting anywhere.

[mat422]

So after thinking about my speaker setup for a bit, I've realized I don't have the most optimal thing going on. I used to use speakers on both sides of my head, but then I switched to a pillow speaker. It's still stereo, the problem is I'm probably not getting both channels at once because I lay on my side. So I'm switching to earbuds at night which I started doing last night.

But so far results have been there, but not necessarily in a positive way. It was pretty much just a bad dream. But in my dream I was listening to this exact subliminal with the ocean waves. About a minute in, nothing. Just relaxing. But then things got dark real fast. Demonic voices, women screaming like the type in the movies when they are being murdered or something, children laughing, and other stuff I can't even describe. Then I woke up in the middle of night and couldn't shake the feeling that something was going to creep into my room when I had my eyes closed and the next time I opened them would be staring right back at me.

I think the masked ocean subliminal might be a little too startling for sleep because the volume fluctuates in a sort of random pattern which pulls me out of sleep at times so I'm going to try the trickling stream. But I'm hoping that this one night was just a random nightmare and it doesn't become a pattern. I won't stop though, I'd go through months of this type of stuff if it meant freedom in my day to day life. I'm pretty much at rock bottom these days and I've decided that I have to do everything I can to break free.

[mat422]

Second night with the earbuds. Used trickling stream this time and things went better. No horrible nightmares.

But I woke up this morning in a state of mental paralysis. I don't know how to describe it, it's like I was laying in bed and wasn't tired but I needed to use every ounce of willpower I had to get up. I guess it's the anxiety. I'm pretty familiar with this feeling. It's like all the things I need to do in my life overload my mind and I have trouble starting anything. Like a total shutdown.

I guess one thing I've realized is that I don't have a steady source of income and that's been a lot of pressure on me. But I also have issues with jobs in general because I worry too much about screwing up and feeling like garbage for not being good enough at it. If I could just separate my job from me as a person, I wouldn't have so much anxiety. But I can't figure out how to do that. So every little mistake, every little criticism, is taken to heart and it makes me feel awful.

This pretty much made me realize that a job itself isn't draining, well unless it's heavy physical labor. A job is just a task. It's the meaning I attribute to it that causes me so much stress and anxiety. It's easy to say don't take it personal and don't base your self worth in it, but actually feeling that is hard to do. At least it's a step in the right direction. I'm pretty much breaking down why I find the idea of a job so anxiety provoking. Whereas before I thought it was just working I couldn't handle.

It all seems to just keep coming back to my social anxiety and low self worth. I'm hoping that listening at night with earbuds will keep pushing me to get better. As of right now I feel like my brain is kind of building connections for the problems in my life and attempting to solve them. Whereas before I kind of just shutdown and hoped everything would solve itself.

[mat422]

Part of improving is all about uncovering the things that need to be improved upon. In that regard I've found my ego or shame, not sure which, generally prevents me from seeing the real problem. I've brought it up before, but I'm pretty sure I struggle with Avoidant Personality Disorder. I know self diagnoses is bad, but I've pretty much lived the exact way it's described. So in this post I'm laying out the reality of what my life is, not what I want it to be.

-unemployed for almost a year. Terrified of working and the criticisms that come with it. Unable to maintain employment for more than a year.
-Few friends. 1 really good friend. When he's not around barely have any
-no romantic relationships. Talk to girls occasionally, but deep aversion to engaging in anything intimate with them
-Denial that my life absolutely sucks. Constant escape into some fantasy world where things are better than they actually are and waiting for that day to come.
-shutting out people who have good advice because it triggers my anxiety.
-Self isolation
- Repeated pattern of self sabotage and never learning from my mistakes
- Endless procrastination and even procrastination on things I like doing
- Hyper sensitivity to rejection or any criticisms towards me, makes me withdraw instead of objectively looking at my problems. Which is why it took me so long to make this list
- Inability to have close relationships with people. Always pushing them away or not trusting them

There's probably a ton more. But this list pretty much serves as a wake up call that my life is a mess and I need to stop trying to convince myself otherwise. Probably need to seek help outside these subliminals because this doesn't really seem in the realm of self help anymore.

[mat422]

Read that list I made and I was definitely in a downswing that day. It pretty much was just me beating myself up for my shortcomings, which never does any good. So far I think listening with earbuds at night is helping. I woke up this morning and felt that list I made was just unnecessary negativity and I don't need it in order to make changes in my life.

Do I have a lot of work to do? Yeah. Do I frequently avoid it? Definitely. But that's my fault. I can't throw the blame on some untouchable part of my mind and abandon all responsibility. Sometimes I use the subconscious mind as a scapegoat to avoid facing these things. But I need to remember I have more control than I think, even if it doesn't feel like it at times.

I'm constantly battling with the thought in the back of my head that things will never get better. It's a crappy feeling to have. It pretty much promotes the attitude of why bother. And when I come up short in efforts to get better there's still a bad habit of being too hard on myself.

It's a careful balance. Too easy on myself and I'm not disciplined enough and fall back into my shell. Too hard on myself and nothing gets done, and I feel worse.

Most of all I can't give in to those negative thoughts. They aren't the truth no matter how badly I believe them to be.