E3 - Chipping away to reveal the greek god that is

[Fluffy]

37 nights of E3, 3 loops, Hybrid, Speakers.

I have moments that I think I know who I am and then I get another perspective and realise that I am not that and this can continue on multitude of times. I basically am not one persona but a cluster of many, that can take on its own focus point.

A part of me wants a clear thing of, THIS IS WHO I AM. But this is not possible, so I am always changing and my mind and reality is very malleable.

It gets more confusing when desires come into play, as when desires seem in different directions I have to choose which one I want to focus on. I have been focusing one area more than another, but I am wondering if the reason for 'lack' of results the specific way that I want, is because of other reasons, such as I don't really want that. I have to find a way to focus on the MOST important and a little bit on the not so important just for the feeling of hitting all areas.

At the moment after a few recent experiences, such as another date with the girl last night, has allowed extreme magnification of myself in a lot of ways, which is really beneficial. After last night, driving home... I was thinking to myself "What AM I doing!??"....Genuinely, what am I doing with my life? What do I really want?

This morning, I had moments of feeling down but could easily snap out of it, but at the root of it, it feels like who I am being or have been for quite a while is just one of many masks, just do fill something or be something as a way to express myself. I mean we have to do something in life and I have certain things I do, hobbies included etc but they all play their role in bringing one aspect of myself to the front, and it seems without that way, it can not express itself. So who am I really is a really good question? I mean a better question is, who do I want to be?

I have certain ideas who I want to be and can easily focus back on them and when I reap the rewards of that I will be at a new place to reach out further from that standing point and it will continue like that forever.

In some ways it is a nice feeling, because weirdly it is coming from a centred place, but kind of fed up with what is going on or how I am being at the moment and want to do my own thing (it is hard to put into words, but it feels different to previous "realisations").

I have kind of realised I don't actually want a "relationship" at this time in my life (Even though I do enjoy the company and the nice things that come with that bonding/connection etc), and that I have been focusing on the stuff because of the semen retention and wanting to release through sex. When I release, this is immediately apparent.

I feel I enjoy being my own person and only doing what I want to do and focusing on myself and the freedom that comes with that. I feel like I have want to do certain things first. But I was able to not let that stop me manifesting a girl to date while I have these two different desires going into two different directions, as I kept telling myself I CAN have both, I can be with a girl and go and do my Uni stuff. As I wanted to get rid of that limiting belief of only this OR that. I like to be able to have all things simultaneously.

[Fluffy]

I can't be bothered to go into too much detail as I have had only 4 hours sleep after a long night shift but just had a really intense and realistic dream.

It started out me driving and working and I went through a whole car accident and the after effects of having killed 8 people and injuring another 8 and to meet with people, and having to prepare to face the public and press and these certain people telling me I have to look more upset, as I didn't feel anything about the people dieing, because of my positive beliefs on death and that I lack empathy in general and me thinking I can't help it and telling them I must be in shock etc

Anyway, talking to these people in a setting with a crowd sitting down watching they were asking me about the accident and I didn't know how to act, I knew I had to feel sorry and be upset and express emotion but it felt new to me.

I kept telling them this is all new for me and this is the reason for me being like this.

Anyway a lot happened, and it was so real. I actually went through a whole process of it.

In the end talking/explaining the accident and feeling the overall seriousness of the situation (I have killed eight people) I actually broke out and started crying and I felt all these emotions come out, in front of everyone and me thinking... this will help the situation now.

Really strange. But glad it was just a dream!

[Fluffy]

42 nights of E3, 3 loops, Hybrid, Speakers.

I am making progress through understanding myself more and clarity on what I got to do.

I have developed new way of being lately, which naturally shows I have less fear and anxiety as I just don't care and/or I see through the negative beliefs of a particular thing, they don't hold up as I once thought, so they no longer hold any weight, power over me.

It is really awesome actually, as it is blantely obvious how you can think something is one way but change the perspective and it can be a completely different way. Each being right, each being true when seeing through each filter. This is why it is important to be aware of how malleable beliefs are and realise that the current way of seeing everything is only one way and only seems true because that is the filter you are currently looking through. Just realise that soon as you change the beliefs, perception, perspective, thoughts, emotions, the filter.... You are looking at something completely different. The outside is just an illusion, a mirror reflecting back our beliefs. The outside is a reflection of the inside. What is going on inside is the thing you can change and a natural consequence of that changing, is the outside changes too.

It is awesome when you get to see how something was so "real" for so long and then realising it was not real at all. Just goes to show that what you think about how things are, are not necessarily true. But being on the other side of it now, made it worth it not knowing when in the middle of it.

The journey continues....

[Fluffy]

51 nights of E3, 3 Loops, Hybrid, Speakers.

Oh yeah I am getting closer to 90 days baby, I feel pretty good with myself just happily continuing to use E3 every night.

I think E3 has helped me develop the way to use my conscious mind more in developing healthy mindset. Using my conscious mind to counter my thoughts and redirect my focus and focus on my wanted aspects in life, seems like it is becoming pretty normal. It feels good using my conscious mind though and I think a lot of people underestimate the conscious mind, definitely. It is about developing the mindset that I am in control, I do hold the power, I can direct my life in the direction I want to go and using the conscious mind allows me to take full responsibility and control. I am in the drivers seat of my life.

IMO (I understand others will disagree) even believing in the 'subconscious mind' is a limiting belief and people will use that as an excuse to not take responsibility.

Please reframe from posting here and giving your evidence on why the subconscious is not a limiting belief, as you are only supporting and gaining more evidence to support this limiting belief and that is what beliefs do, they what to survive and that can negatively trick you, if you are unaware. But the awesome thing is empowering beliefs do the same! but obviously in a positive beneficial way ;-)

Anyway I am rambling, onwards and upwards with conscious focus!

[Fluffy]

58 nights E3, 3 loops, Hybrid, Speakers.

Looking forward to getting to 90 days, hopefully I will just want to continue this (even though I don't know what E3 is doing) as it will just make things easier by continuing the same subliminal. I will see when I get there; about a one month left to go.

I am making progress towards one of my longer term goals, it has required conscious focus and willpower though and even though the last few days I have not felt as up for it, I know this is just a short passing phase and I will get back to doing what is required of me. 

I am so close to getting onto the next step that I can smell it; as long as I do what I got to do it is just a matter of time. It is going to feel so amazing getting onto the next step, everything having worked out and then I'll be on a home run towards the next and final step after that.   

Outside of the goal (home life) if I just keep my head down, focus on my myself, do not speak my mind as much (preferably not speak at all ) and just do what I got to do to achieve each step, I will be able to have a laser vision towards my desired destination. If I make a mistake and get unfocused or let the people around me distract my focus, then as long as I bring my awareness back to the present moment I will be able to see what is happening and I then can consciously correct my focus and direct it towards my desired destination/path/goal and take the necessarily actions. Rinse and repeat.

[Fluffy]

61 nights of E3, 3 loops. Hybrid, Speakers.

In all honesty the last week I have not been taking any action towards my goals. I don't know what has happened, I just feel really different. I keep thinking to myself why do I feel different now, how do I get like this, what caused it? ..But for the life of me I don't know why.

I am gonna have to force myself this week as best as I can and I know that when I do I feel a million times better than I do now.

I suppose there is this particular work I have got to do, basically a mock exams to prepare for my exam, but I get nervous thinking about it and when I set myself the daily task to do it, I get worried.

I understand now, that I can never truly wait to feel inspired to do it. I do understand now from experience that the motivation comes once I start and achieve a task. I have made myself do these things before, but lately the process of forcing myself seems more challenging.

I choose not to leave this too long now though, as I have built up a lot of momentum towards a lot of goals I have and continue them on as soon as I can will be in my best interest.

I intend to get back on the horse tomorrow and achieve tasks towards my goals.

Other things have popped up, but rather not dwell and write about everything, only certain things I feel comfortable writing about and what is most important to me and my goals.

Another feeling I have lately is that I want to go on holiday or something, I just would really love to get away and do something different in another country. I have requested some holiday days off at the end of June, beginning of July time and I am thinking about just going away somewhere. I would love for it to be just completely new experience.

I have 3 exams in the beginning of July. It would make sense to go after lol, but how it is working out that I would go away before and then when I come back it will be exam time. I think that is still good. I intend to study, do what is required of me to pass the exams leading up to it and the holiday could refresh me for the exams lol. But yeah this feeling of wanting to just take a holiday is growing rapidly and once I start the year long course in September (which is required for the degree I want to do) I will have to focus on my study, so best to get something in now while I can.

[Fluffy]

64 night of E3, 3 loops, Hybrid, Speakers.

The last few days I have been back to kicking ass and getting shit done as intended above. I am learning a lot about myself as I journey towards my goals. It's particularly interesting observing how I am learning to adapt when I come across internal and external challenges.

Understanding myself is fascinating. I mean, you would think we would automatically know everything about ourselfs because we are ourselfs, but this is not the case. When I think about it, it's like myself is a third person and I am observing and understanding myself, so I can direct this vessel to move in the direction I prefer. I can view from all viewpoints simultaneously or I can view from each point individually.

I will update more closer to the 90 days next time, as I like to focus like a laser beam.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Well I think the subconscious stuff is subconscious because we don't wanna look at it. Hmm... I wonder if by taking my mind off of my issues, I'm actually slowing down the healing process?

Anyway, congratulations on getting your shit accomplished

[Fluffy]

Thanks, @EvolvingPhoenix.

I had one of those 'powerful' dreams last night. A part of it involved me going back and being a kid in primary school, but being who I am now. It was like I had time traveled as in one instance I was looking at a lottery slip from the 90s and I was amazed that it looked brand new.

I remember asking the ages of other kids around me in my class to understand what age I was, and I a few of them said 10 years old. Which meant the body I was in must of been at least 9 or 10 years old.

I rember the teachers saying things to me and I told them to fuck off and I was pissef of at them and I basically had a go at them and told them along the lines of that teachers are meant to try and understand the kids and help them. I remember leaving that area and I was with an old friend from that age and I cried deeply and what felt like a long time. It felt like a really deep releasing cry.

The weird thing is after the crying happened I thought to my self, I am gonna write about this on here when I wake up.

A lot happened in the dream, it actually felt like I went back in time. I can't remember all of it, as I think I woke up and went back to sleep and had other complex dreams. But the main point is that I had one of those deep, long, releasing cries in the dream, which always feels meaningful to me especially giving the context.

I think this must only be the second time this has happened since I started E3.

[Fluffy]

After 90 days I am thinking of moving onto USLM or UMOP.

I have realised recently as I have a speaking presentation and two written exams coming up that my fear and anxiety went from 0 to 80 all of a sudden out if no where. I was not aware at first what was going on, my first reaction was I started to not want to do it and avoid all the studying and preparation for it.

I then had an interview for the course I will be going onto if I pass and get this qualification and they talked about the course etc and since then what was last Wednesday, I have been feeling really weird like questioning everything and feeling fearful and avoid preparing my speech and for my writing exams and have been anxiously wondering if I can actually do this (the next course, the degree after), and if I can even handle it all and will I be wasting my time, not sure if I am good enough to be able to do this academically etc.

Very strange how it all just hit me out of no where. Maybe because shit is getting real now and I have been living in the clouds. I don't know.

But I think it started when I realised I actually have to do a speech, as when I think of not having to do a speech and just doing the written exams I feel better, but it does make me question if I'll be able to handle all the studying, course work, self studying on the next course which is preparing me for the  higher education.

It's obviously fear. I just don't no what do as, I feel my self wanting to sabatage it by avoiding to study and revising my speech and making it seem legit by making question my longer term goals to make it seem like I am going into something I won't be able to handle or do good at.