11-24-2018, 04:29 PM
Day 30
Dreams have been less intense but there have been many of them. It feels like I dream all night long when listening to the trickling stream FLAC version of E2. Some dreams are abstract and some are taking me back to times in my life when things weren't so great, mostly times where I internalized a lot of guilt and shame.
In the outside world, I think things are slowly improving but the same embedded fears continue to hold me back. It's not always easy for me to connect with new people and a lot of the times I am not the easiest person to be around. I think it's because of the internalized guilt and shame. It has pushed me into a situation where I don't want anyone to get close, because I fear they will discover the truth AKA what I truly believe of myself. I know that's not the "truth" and it sounds stupid when I write it out, but it's such a fragile ego.
I'm slowly going to new places, I know that much. It's much more apparent now when I slip back into old negative thought patterns. I immediately pull myself away from them because I know they are toxic. I avoid behaviors that harm me and I continue to take care of myself more than ever before. I think I need to learn to look after myself and love myself before the doorway will open in respect to connection with others. Taking off from E1, I continue to move on quickly from "failures", striving for positive outcomes. E2 is gentle, when I notice resistance I feel a little bit off, with E1 during resistance I felt like death, going into deep depressive states on several occasions. I like E2 a lot more, it's gentler but at the same time more powerful. There was one night, perhaps day 25/26, when I stayed up late because I did not want to run E2. I knew exactly what was happening. I finally got to bed and the urge not to play the subliminal was strong, but I put it on anyway. I don't remember this happening during E1.
But anyway, let me finish on another dream. This is another weird one, I have no idea what it meant but I woke up emotional, and it's what triggered me to come here and write. I dreamed of a college share house that my disabled son (grown up as an adult in the dream) was a part of. He was talking to a girl who was also sharing the same house. I knew what she was thinking; "oh great, I am roomed up with a retard". I felt bad for him, but did not hold any negative feelings towards the girl. Then for some reason, I too had a room in the house. The room number was written on a piece of paper. I found the door down towards the back of the house. I entered the room and was amazed that it had windows all around, and in front it overlooked the ocean, and to the side it overlooked a river, streaming into the ocean. I was very happy and I could not believe my luck to have such a room. But then I noticed the number on the door was different to what was on the paper. I walked out and found the correct room, which was still not too bad but nothing like the other room. In the middle of the new room there was a square hole cut out with a balcony around it, which went down to a lower floor. I looked down and saw an empty spa bath. I thought; "oh great, how am I meant to sleep and study when everyone will be down there partying in a spa bath all of the time?". The next moment I was sitting at the desk creating a model of the hole and cutting in a perfectly fitting piece of foam. I thought; "this will work, now all I need to do is measure the real hole and copy this prototype, that will solve the problem.".
Don't know what it means, but such strange dreams. I am not sure how long this E2 journey will last, but I have a feeling it may be a while
Dreams have been less intense but there have been many of them. It feels like I dream all night long when listening to the trickling stream FLAC version of E2. Some dreams are abstract and some are taking me back to times in my life when things weren't so great, mostly times where I internalized a lot of guilt and shame.
In the outside world, I think things are slowly improving but the same embedded fears continue to hold me back. It's not always easy for me to connect with new people and a lot of the times I am not the easiest person to be around. I think it's because of the internalized guilt and shame. It has pushed me into a situation where I don't want anyone to get close, because I fear they will discover the truth AKA what I truly believe of myself. I know that's not the "truth" and it sounds stupid when I write it out, but it's such a fragile ego.
I'm slowly going to new places, I know that much. It's much more apparent now when I slip back into old negative thought patterns. I immediately pull myself away from them because I know they are toxic. I avoid behaviors that harm me and I continue to take care of myself more than ever before. I think I need to learn to look after myself and love myself before the doorway will open in respect to connection with others. Taking off from E1, I continue to move on quickly from "failures", striving for positive outcomes. E2 is gentle, when I notice resistance I feel a little bit off, with E1 during resistance I felt like death, going into deep depressive states on several occasions. I like E2 a lot more, it's gentler but at the same time more powerful. There was one night, perhaps day 25/26, when I stayed up late because I did not want to run E2. I knew exactly what was happening. I finally got to bed and the urge not to play the subliminal was strong, but I put it on anyway. I don't remember this happening during E1.
But anyway, let me finish on another dream. This is another weird one, I have no idea what it meant but I woke up emotional, and it's what triggered me to come here and write. I dreamed of a college share house that my disabled son (grown up as an adult in the dream) was a part of. He was talking to a girl who was also sharing the same house. I knew what she was thinking; "oh great, I am roomed up with a retard". I felt bad for him, but did not hold any negative feelings towards the girl. Then for some reason, I too had a room in the house. The room number was written on a piece of paper. I found the door down towards the back of the house. I entered the room and was amazed that it had windows all around, and in front it overlooked the ocean, and to the side it overlooked a river, streaming into the ocean. I was very happy and I could not believe my luck to have such a room. But then I noticed the number on the door was different to what was on the paper. I walked out and found the correct room, which was still not too bad but nothing like the other room. In the middle of the new room there was a square hole cut out with a balcony around it, which went down to a lower floor. I looked down and saw an empty spa bath. I thought; "oh great, how am I meant to sleep and study when everyone will be down there partying in a spa bath all of the time?". The next moment I was sitting at the desk creating a model of the hole and cutting in a perfectly fitting piece of foam. I thought; "this will work, now all I need to do is measure the real hole and copy this prototype, that will solve the problem.".
Don't know what it means, but such strange dreams. I am not sure how long this E2 journey will last, but I have a feeling it may be a while
