Dubls Mans Up - AM6 i (1-5), ii (5-10)

[JJ54]

I'm currently reading the Sigma Shock as well. For some reason, I feel like I can relate to the Sigma more, especially with the changes in my behavior lately with AM6. Still a good read though.

[Dubls]

Sigma Shock had some nuggets but it is poorly written. English is clearly not the author's first language. Fairly consistent with (and nowhere near as thorough as) Alpha Male 2.0.

I started No More Mr. Nice Guy but I find it slow to get to the point and repetitive.

Currently devouring The Attraction Code. One of the best books on 'game' that I've read. Consistent with AM6 yet highly focused on women.

[Dubls]

Reflections and observations.

2 days ago

I’ve disliked a guy at work for some time, and the other day I finally realized why: he doesn’t like me, or at least it seems that way. You see he shows tremendous warmth towards a lot of people at work, but never to me. He rarely talks to me unless he’s got feedback about how I can do my job better. We exchange the occasional stare, nod, or ‘what up’, and that’s about it. He speaks loudly, deeply, and directly, and I’m not used to being addressed that way. And when he doesn’t speak, I feel like he’s judging me.

Let me point out the obvious: I care about what he thinks of me. That’s what I realized the other day. I resent him because of how little attention he pays to me and how much he pays to almost everyone else. And I’m taking it personally, even though I have no way of knowing whether or not it is. I want validation from him because he gives me nothing. Admitting that to myself was liberating. I have no control over this person, but I can reject my own approval seeking behaviour.


1 day ago

Went out to a restaurant/bar with some guys from work. We walk in and talk to the hostess. She is one of the best looking girls there—a solid 8. Here’s the magical part. I was indifferent about it. I was physically attracted to her and at the same time I didn’t care. What a strange sensation. Used to being in the presence of attractive women and receding into my own perceived imperfections and insecurities.

It gets better. She estimates the wait and gives us a buzzer, and I insist on giving her my name. My buddy and I are standing a few feet away from her. We’re laughing and having a good time and I catch her looking in my direction. My buddy takes every opportunity to check out her out and I hardly look. When we get to our table, I take the seat facing the entrance. For the next few hours I scope her out here and there along with all of the sexy waitresses walking by us, but I keep catching this hostess looking in my direction. We make eye contact a few times and I don’t look away until she does.

It gets worse. My buddy—who is successful with women—tells me that I’m not fat anymore and I need to start pulling my own weight—pun unintended. He says if I don’t go up to that hostess and get her number, he will. I tell him she knows that every man in the place wants to have sex with her and she probably gets hit on all the time. What I wasn’t willing to verbalize, was that I had a hard time believing that she could be interested in me.

Shortly after she walks to the back and into the kitchen. We make eye contact again. She comes out with her coat on. It’s obvious she’s going home. I do nothing. I tell my buddy she’s leaving and he runs out after her. At this point I’m assuming he’ll succeed and starting to feel jealous about it and angry at myself. He comes back empty handed. I’m relieved.

Two steps forward, one step back.

[Dubls]

My mind is everything.

[Dubls]

Considering yoga and researching who's around me and what they offer. Find a location that has what I'm looking for and I decide to check out the instructors. Lo and behold one of them is a girl I remember from Tinder. We never even matched but I remember finding her so sexy and feeling the usual unworthiness in response. So there she is. Works close by in tight yoga clothes and I might becomes a member there. But part of me wants to avoid her, because being in her presence (though I should think of it as her being in mine) will make me feel worthless and unattractive. I'm talking about avoiding external sources which ignite my internal turmoil. But this is exactly what I have to face. I'm feeling anxiety about the situation. All of this triggered by a picture. Wanted to share because I've never put this behaviour into words before. Of course, what I really want is to feel like a man, an alpha—attractive, worthy, and outcome independent. I want to see her and feel not only that I deserve her, but that she would be lucky to have me. One of the hardest things right now is teeter-tottering between old habits and new ones. Alas I'm about to start stage 3. I need to push forward.

Whenever I question change because of how far gone I perceive myself to be, I tell myself:

Time is going to pass whether I like it or not. One day I'll look back and either regret that I did nothing, or celebrate the fruits of my labor.

I choose the latter.

[Dubls]

This entry has nothing to do with today. Rather it involves how I felt 2 nights ago. I was dicking around on Instagram before bed and came across this model—a solid ten in my book. I mean she wasn't the skinny runway type, she had all the right curves. Kind of woman who would be in the ring in between rounds at a UFC fight. As I scrolled through her pictures, many of which were provocative, I began to feel an overwhelming sense of inadequacy.

Not a new feeling. I wrote about this as recently as my last post. One thing to point out is the intensity of bad that I feel is proportion to how attractive I find the woman—and I was feeling utterly worthless. I noticed my thoughts spiralling out of control and got anxious. I HATE that I do this to myself. That's how strong my programming is. Years of emotional baggage from being fat, along with dysfunctional social conditioning.

I think the real conflict results from the shackles I've imposed upon my burning biological desire and the conscious one to:

Feel attractive, confident, and WORTHY of ANY woman. To be unapologetically male.


Writing is therapeutic.

[Leo1990]

I have removed myself from any dating sites, until my AM6 is finished and I feel in the proper state.

I have this thought that want to explain to you.

You see, it is best to not do any online stuff. The reason is this: you cant see their imperfections- to say it lightly.

I talk to women at work. I can see their personality, their imperfections, their strengths, their own Aura. Most people think of how they are being perceived too much to notice you. You cant see women's personality or imperfections/strengths online. You see what they want you to see. It is a hard thing to do, to see a perfect woman online- perfect body, perfect text outlining what she likes, perfect pictures... And not feel inadequate.
(TIP: Become good/master in-person approaching/meeting/sexing before doing online crap)

-The fact is... YOU cant see if she is being real. LIKELY she is not. WHY? Because she worries about being perceived. She wants to come across as a good candidate.

You have never met those women, so you cant see their TRUE SELF.

It is extremely likely that I would find someone on Tinder, POF or OKCupid that looks like a perfect 10. The truth is, after meeting her, I might go WTF she is so... Cynical... Selfish... Brat... etc.

We all have assholes. We all have to take a shi* at the end of the day.

Their is no point in getting overworked about a woman.

If you find yourself getting carried away... simply imagine her taking a sh**.


Everyone has imperfections. You/I should never feel inadequate. A true man makes a woman earn his affection.


We all live on borrowed time. Does she deserve your precious UN-replaceable resource?



Food for thought. You want advice? Seek out a much older mentor who is/was good with women. Say in his 70s.

He will share all with you, as my grandfather did. I still don't understand some of it, but lets just say- typing this post gave me an Epiphany!

-Leo

[AlphaMind]

F*ck you Sun and f*ck your GOLD post!

Quick! Let's go to his journal!

[Leo1990]

Thanks alpha. I can feel the love through that one haha.

We all have moments of wisdom. Truth be told... Old men rarely give out bad advice. Either they are filled with good advice or they are filled with regret. Same thing.

Belive old folks over young cocky know it all-s.
Nuff said.


I am the sun.

-Leo

[Dubls]

I've been having vivid dreams since my first night on Stage 3. Here's what I remember from last night:

I'm at a dinner table (outdoors?). It's an open area and the setting is ominous. I don't know/remember who I was with but we feared who was coming. I escaped into a strange house. It was full of hidden passages and secret compartments. I somehow knew that it once belonged to a famous magician. I'm navigating through these elaborate passages—more like crawlspaces—and I continue to find bundles of cash in these compartments; identifiable only by small outlines in the wooden panels indicating that those areas can be pushed in. Eventually I find myself in the ceiling peering down through a hinged wooden flap at the floor beneath. I'm on my stomach and sort of bent around a corner. A janitor enters the room and I do my best to remain unnoticed. He's directly beneath me (of course) and as I adjust the flap to minimize my view, he gestures as if he heard me. I'm feeling anxious not just about being caught, but about the tight, contorted position I'm in and how long I have to remain that way. Then something funny (in retrospect) happens. My dream fades to black and a title card appears which reads: 4 days later. Fade in to the same place I left off and the janitor has gone. I emerge from the ceiling and make my way through the adjacent wall into a larger compartment. I'm still finding bundles of cash and running out of places to put it. This time it seems I'm behind the scenes of some carnival game. I can hear kids on the other side and I'm watching the gears and levers that are making the game possible. I hear somebody coming and I don't have an escape.

Then I woke up.

What do you make of that?

[Leo1990]

Thats very interesting dream. Do you think you are the muse? Are the people watching you?

Not quite sure how to make sense of it.

[Dubls]

Been reading Models by Mark Manson. I see why it has great reviews. It's a book that does away with all the gamey PUA shit, and focuses on alpha behaviour as it pertains to women. The writing is honest and powerful. It became personal for me upon reading the following:

"If you're afraid to approach a woman, it's because somewhere inside you are more invested in her opinion of you than you are in your own opinion of yourself."

[Dubls]

Walked into work yesterday and 3 people (1 female) said, "Looking good." Now I fancy myself a sharp dresser but I wasn't wearing anything new. Must have been carrying myself differently or giving off some sort of vibe. Are either of those things possible in Stage 3?

[Dubls]

I've been having memorable dreams since my first night with Stage 3. Last night I dreamt that my dad and I were moving back into the condo we left (to move into a house) over a decade ago. In the dream I was overwhelmed by warm feelings of being back there. Now in most dreams familiar locations are skewed from their counterparts in reality. With few exceptions, the condo in my dream was almost entirely different in terms of layout and decor from the real one. But as far as I was concerned in the dream, it WAS the real thing. Funny how we can completely engineer familiarity in dreams. Anyways I toured the condo and visited my old bedroom. I was interested in the closet for some reason. There was an awkwardly long and oddly shaped desk in the middle of the room. I knew it was old and was excited to see it. In reality, I never had a desk in that room. So I end up back in the foyer and what I think was a cat darts out of the kitchen towards me and scratches me. It actually latches onto my forearm with its claws and I'm asking for help to get the damn thing off. I vividly remember the pain. Eventually I do and it runs away.

That's all I remember. For what it's worth, my dad and I have a dog that we love dearly and we both don't like or trust cats.

Change must be taking place. Your thoughts are welcome.